To think it's only worth moving abroad with a great expat package

[Hotchocolatemonster]

After moving from our lovely home in UK to Southern California because of hubby's work, I have learned that such move is only worth it if it comes with a lucrative expat package (mega salary, free/subsidised accommodation,private schools for kids, company cars, etc) because OMG coastal SC ridiculously expensive!

In our case, sadly, we didn't move with such package. We went straight into hard landing.

DH' new company paid for the move, offered 2-month free accommodation and one-month free car. Now looking back, that's a very poor offer for someone who move across the ocean with school age kids. After landing, we were left in a deep helpless situation to find housing in a very short time, had to buy a car with no credit history... needless to say, the first 3 months were very depressing for me as I am the one who has to sort out all the housing, cars, new schools, papers...

Even though DH got a 6-figure salary which is much higher than the average here, but after the eye watering tax, housing cost, we are left with not much more than we were earning in UK.

Now we have finally settle a bit and I am able to breath a bit. But the high cost of living here is in my mind everyday. And more horror : we have zero college savings for our two kids, have zero retirement plan for me (I can't work yet due to visa)...

And now come to the biggest horror: house!
I don't know how everyone afford living here. Our neighborhood has a minimum of $1.2 million starting price for anything that's not immediately next to a busy road or a tiny box condo. There's no way we can afford 1 million house. There are cheaper neighborhood, but they don't come with the good schools, and some of them are really shabby.

Other expats I have met here either came several years ago before the local housing market went crazy, or they came as company internal transfer and with great benefit. Or they are single, or young couples with no kids.

I like SD when it's sunny and we go outdoor a lot. But hey, how could anyone afford living here? !

You will probably find your way around a lot of this stuff the longer you're there.

I strongly recommend that you keep paying voluntary National Insurance contributions so that you are entitled to the basic UK pension in the future. This can come back to bite ex-pat types on the arse.

Are you in San Diego (you mentioned SD)? It's one of the top ten most expensive cities in the US! Loads of rich people driving up the prices because of the great weather.

My friends who are from SD grew up in suburbs and did long commutes in. The ones who have stayed are now raising their kids in tiny condos. I'd definitely start considering other options or you'll be struggling for years to get ahead.

How judgemental and unsympathetic almost all you posters are. It sounds to me as if whatever research OP did she would still have had to make the move and go along with her DH's plans. This is such a familiar story of power imbalance even in this day and age and it looks as if instead of support the OP has just invited a lot of recrimination and nastiness.

Its only worth moving abroad if everybody in the family really wants to live in the destination country/ state/ city and can afford to do so without reducing the standard of living they are accustomed to (or accepts the drop in standard of living for some other pay off).

Hotchocolatemonster it might be a good idea to get straight in your own head whether you see yourself as an expat or an immigrant.

You talk of college fees - does this mean you see your move as permanent?

If so you're not an expat.

If you can get your head into an immigrant mindset and start working out how exactly you can afford a life you'll be content with long term, this will make the things you can't have easier to make peace with.

However if you are an expat then yes, you haven't got a good expat deal and must feel cheated. You can't afford to live like an expat. As others say that lifestyle is vanishing and really was just one of the last hang overs of empire tbh - now companies can hire qualified local employees or people from emerging economies willing to me mobile for less astonishing amounts of money, the old expat deals are vanishing. It's a reflection of things becoming very slightly less out of balance really, and in that way a good thing when looked at globally (just not for those hoping to get a good expat package!)

If you are an expat you are only going to be where you are 3-5 years and looking at it that way will also hopefully help you see this as a medium term adventure.

Depending on how old your children are now, the best idea would be to adjust all your planning to return to the UK when the oldest is in year 8 or 9 at the latest if you decide you're an expat, or cut your cloth according to your reality and look at moving if you are an immigrant.

Plans as an immigrant could include planning to move to an area of the USA which will offer your family a better overall standard of living (lower housing costs somewhere else which does have good schools, even if in another state) eventually, once you've been there long enough to both have green cards and all the paperwork to enable your husband to change employers and you to work to, and your family can then move across the country if appropriate.

I disagree with your thread title OP, as lots of places are much less expensive than SC. We moved to Maine with $15k of moving expenses paid by the company, and started on a $70k salary. We're still here 13 years later and have no regrets - our kids have had an excellent education in the local public school system, and our oldest is now at college on a nice scholarship.

But last year DH was offered a job in SC and we looked into it really carefully. The basic problem is that you have to live in an expensive area if you want your kids to go to a reasonable school. We weren't willing to pay such a huge amount of our income in mortgage or rent, so we chose to stay where we are.

However one thing California has in its favour is the UC college system. They charge $30-35k less per year to students who come from California than those from other states, and the colleges are pretty amazing. With 3 teens, that was one of our biggest reasons to consider the move.

I hope you end up settling in and enjoying living there.

It sounds like your problems not the expat package but 1. That you didn't want to go, and 2. That your husband is not pulling his weight on the domestic front.

DH and I are in the process of moving abroad because I've had a job offer overseas. My 'package': my flight paid and £1.5k to help with the cost of shipping belongings. The position pays the same as I got paid in the UK and considering the living costs in the place we're moving to, we'll probably be worse off financially. Nonetheless, DH and I both agreed we wanted an overseas adventure as long as my income could cover our costs. However, since the move was instigated by me, I have taken on the responsibility of finding housing, looking into logistics, immigration rules, etc because that seemed only fair.

I’m in SoCal too and while I agree with you, I did the research on these unicorn expat packages when DH got his job offer and we bartered and asked they were like “no we’re not flying you back to england every year indefinately” etc and no other expats I know On a variety of visa have been given more than you were (which was pretty much what we were 8yrs ago too)

It is a huge adjustment though I know

SC is eye watering. We considered me moving there from UK 5 years ago and looked at renting a family home with 2.5 bedrooms and a garden - a very basic setup in ok neighborhood. It was $4000 then. I just remember being astounded and could see why locals were very angry at the situation. I recall our company shuttle buses being pelted with eggs leaving San Francisco four commute.

OP what's done is done abd you're there now. You need (hard right now I know) to get yourself a job ASAP. Your situation is very common - you're left to do ALL the shit jobs related to the move, with no social network while DP goes into the office/work and meets people without even trying. Even if he's working from home, he's still got a ready made group of adults to interact with.

You've made this move for him. You've given everything up for him. You need to start making a life for yourself. Not "yourselves", but YOU.

Study, find a job, anything, just get out of the house and build up some security of your own.

I have seen far too many women left to deal with all the crap after an international move while the male partner doesn't see what all the fuss is about. You are feeling shit because you're in a shit situation. You've given everything up and he now needs to support you. And I don't mean only financially. He needs to actively support you - by taking on some of the crap jobs - so you can find work and build your own life.

Thanks for everyone's comments and advice. I have read all of them. I am very grateful.

I think I should have changed the thread title to:
To think it's only worth moving to California when you are young or with a great expat package :)

Some of you offered very kind advice, shared experiences; some of you gave me a bit of bashing - which I took positively, maybe I just needed a bit of wake up call.

Yes DH hasn't been very supportive or appreciative for what I have done during this exhausting moving process, or the fact I gave up my career and my comfort life in UK to support his career.

I didn't have enough time to think through before we gave our yes to the new offer, as hubby kept pushing me for giving an answer. Now looking back, that was handled very poorly. Anyone, when facing big life decisions, should NOT been pushed. The resentment is very bad for the relationship.

It's not that I don't want to work hard and just wait for luxury things be handed to me. I can't wait to go back to work. I can't work due to visa limit, have to wait for GC to go through. And not to mention the US immigrant office has frozen a lot of applications due to COVID-19.
It could take easily one year. I think I will be very bored before that happens.

It's not just the finance side. Now that we have experienced California life, I really think it's a great place to visit, but even if we are loaded I would still be bored if I know this is where we settle for years to come. I prefer places that have more culture and history. I also don't feel very good when knowing just half hour drive away there are some absolute shocking ghettos, the homeless... I wonder how could such a wealthy state be so divided?

On the positive side (actually at this stage this is more important):
As a family we all got the chance to experience a new life. I am very proud we did it.

We have been to some very beautiful places, met some lovely friends, and experienced new things, learned new words.

DH and I are still together and will stay this way.

Now, time to hit the beach and have a nice walk.

FattyIDingAsThinny :

I like your powerful reply! Thanks.

Hubby is not too bad to be fair. I can go out on my ow and he has never had problems, he does help around the house and with kids...

I think he was motivated by this opportunity but forgot to think carefully about the reality. We have been to California as a family for holiday, we all liked it. Another lesson learned: holiday is not real life. If you like somewhere as holiday, just go back again to visit.

It makes me wonder why it seems mostly women have to give up everything to support their spouses? When looking around I must say couples who support each other on big decisions make it better.
But I think we have learned this better than ever. It might strengthen our relationship more. And I also had new understanding about life, relationship and society, etc. Not too bad.

But above all, yes you are right, I need to build my life. Not just for myself, also to set up a good example for my kids.

OP - I moved to Europe four years ago. I don't speak the local language well and it's very hard to make friends with people from the local area. I found a Facebook group for English speaking mums in this area and it's been an absolute life saver. I've made so many great friends through it. Is there some kind of Brits in California or mothers group you join to start building your friend and support network?

You sound like you have a good attitude OP, and you will make the most of this.

Next March, when I'm experiencing my 4th straight month of snow and ice, I will be feeling very jealous of you in the sunshine.

I wonder if there's stuff you could do as a volunteer, especially given the enormous qualify of life gaps in California. I've been in a similar situation waiting for a work visa in the past, and it was so frustrating being unable to speed anything up.