WWYD - stay or leave?

[citychick]

Hello, hoping some of you can add something to my dilemma.

We live in Asia, have done for quite a few years.

Last year, DH sat down and said that we should go home to UK. Financially, we'll be better off.

So I handed in my resignation, closed my bank account, paid my taxes, said goodbye to friends, sold almost all of the furniture, did a massive clear out, took DS out of school, packed a suitcase, paid for flights for DS and myself and went home for a summer holiday and waited for the tenants to vacate our home.

DH stayed in Asia to see out the end of the tenancy. He then was offered a new contract. He took it and DS and I came back to Asia. DS back in school, I got a few hours at work back. We've been living out of suitcases and there are packing boxes all stacked up round the house.

2020 was always our exit date.

I can feel DH swithering. He's scared to leave. I would like to go home. I mentally prepared myself to go back last year, albeit at warp speed. We then had to turn around and come back.

DS and I are tired of this. We want our home, our car and a dog. Our home needs work, and I'd rather be in it, enjoying it. Because I'll have to pay for all the upgrades. Nearly all friends have moved on so social life isn't keeping us here.

I know DH is worried about having to put DS into a state school, but TBH I'm not that impressed with the international school he's gone back to. And I know DH wants to be able to keep his family financially stable. He's just not quite able to leave with no guarantees. I'm a bit less frightened. DS also heading into GCSE territory.

So, WWYD? Stay and support or put your foot down and leave?

Thanks!

kitten
Yes. Exactly. I fear DS has been let off the hook a bit, work wise.
Year 5 was crazy with work, but since then it's all a bit laissez-faire on the work side. Too much reliance on screens in class. Whilst I do believe the school is on the right track, I think they're trailing behind even state schools in the UK.
They all have £800 laptops. And spend breaktimes gaming. Then they're expected to have smartphones to take photos when out and about on a field trip. Then upload onto Apps.
I'd like to find a school with less reliance on tech. Appreciate that this may be tricky.

Ooohhh. Our DDs is very low tech indeed. Good old pen and paper. She had a homework platformnyhat we keep an eye on.
She got a big academic shock upon return but got her feet under her sharpish. Still has a few friends online from USA and keeps in touch.
My DH wanted the expat life more than me but he had his work which also meant a social life ready made in the office and a sort of rotation of people hed worked with before. We had a nice quality of life materially...pool and he had his jazzy sports car but there was a sort of emptiness. For me anyway.
We now live in a grubby corner of London in a house a fraction of the size of what we had, and cant get into a loo when u need one but there arent so many gaps in my heart.

seren
No, we're not going anywhere else.
He wanted to go home last year because he thought money would be better in UK.
Now he has this new contract the money is better here.

But we live an ordinary life and I spend my days seeing expats enjoying their trappings. I had a job to treat myself and I've lost most of that. Thanks to DH. He's an introvert who likes to read and watch sport.

We have travelled, so cannot complain about that.

We have a lovely home in the UK. And aging parents. GCSE time. Friends. Usual stuff pulling me back.

As for a third party, DH confides in his sister. She said that it was better to be financially secure away from home than cash strapped at home.
So he takes her advice. But she's not here. And she will defend her brother no matter what.

Hi OP, as a trailing spouse, albeit in the UK, my cut-off point would have been when he wanted you to go back, you did all the (not negligible) work of getting everyone back, and then he changed his dear wee mind and expected you to drag everyone back again! No, sorry, that is not okay.

Secondly, it all seems to be about DH, and how it's working for him - not least keeping up appearances with friends and family it seems.

GCSE time - that is a deal breaker to me. Either you need to come back now, and the kids get into a school, get accustomed to the curriculum, get tuition to help catch up and close any gaps, or you need to accept that you are where you are until the kids have done their education. As much as anything, what we didn't realise when we came over, is that some (many?) schools refuse to take new students in years 10 and 11, and some in year 9 even, as it's just too disruptive.

A PP said what a nightmare it is getting into the schools. We couldn't pre-enrol anywhere until we had an address, we came over at the end of August and the girls missed two weeks of school before being accepted into our preferred choice of state comprehensive, which we have found to be very good. The girls rate the quality of education at that school very highly, as well as the quality of teaching, and they are very academically focused and being challenged and thriving - despite the variable behaviour of some fellow students.

Ours were year 10 and year 8 when we came over. I really wouldn't want to leave it later than that, and it's been far easier on the Year 8'er.