Anyone else get homesick whilst pregnant?

[neuroticlady]

Here I am, lovely part of Sydney, lovely house, lovely weather, pregnant with first child and living in a part of the world that's just amazing for raising children... and yet all I want to do is go home. I don't know if I mean permanently. But I miss my family and my DH's family like mad right now. I find the idea of raising a child halfway round the world from its grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins goes against every shred of what feels right and natural to me. (DH, by the way, is not remotely bothered by any of this.) My sis's kids see their grandparents (my parents) all the time. Isn't that how it's meant to be? I didn't have that relationship with my grandparents, but it would have been lovely. Why am I about to deny it to my own child?

I am grappling on a daily basis with lifestyle here (cannot begin to compare what we have here to what we'd have back in England) versus being with family.

Then I hear about all the crime in England, the shootings, the murders, the overcrowding, the bad weather... And I think I must be mad.

Am I just hormonal? Did anyone else feel this way while pg overseas? Did it pass once bub was born? If it gets worse, DH has at least been supportive that we could try going back home, but we'd hold on to the house out here in case going back was a mistake.

Am I just mixing up missing family with feeling isolated and wishing I had more support? Is it a case of friends with kids becoming your new family once baby arrives? I wish there was the equivalent of NCT out here...

Moan moan. Sorry for long whingey post.

Oh yes, I even though about leaving DH here and fly home before the last trimester.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I understand it is difficult as I, as many of us here, are in the same position. It is true that it is nice to have the support of the family around. But I'm sure you will get to meet a lot of people through your child, who may end up being your support network. We have met some very good friends this way.

Sometimes I dream to have more family around, for DS to have more contact with them, for him to play with his cousins and to feel he belongs to a big family group, for my family to be around and supportive and probably help us a tiny bit with ocassional babysitting, etc. However, I'm sure that if we were nearer to our families we wouldn' see them as often or in the terms that I have in the mental image I dream of. Just to make things a bit easier for yourself, keep things in perspective.

I was just thinking, no, no I'd never get homesick in Sydney, it's just too wonderful when I remembered that I was living in Holland when I was pregnant and just had to go home.

I really felt that I had to be in the UK during my pregnancy and birth, with friends and family and everything familiar.

Once DD was born I lasted 10 months in the UK before going overseas again (my choice), so yes, it does get better.

I really feel for you - going back to the UK isn't going to be easy, but I can see why you're feeling that way. I do think it's hormones/comfort/nesting with familiar things.

There is something here like the NCT, certainly I know lots of women with babies in the sort of ante-natal/post-natal groups that I had with the NCT at home. Have you spoken to your midwife about it? You will definitely need a group of new mums - and mine were more useful to me than my family and non-parent friends tbh.

Yes at the beginning it will be hard and until your baby is at more of a toddler age when she can take joy in sending and recieving gifts from his/her grandparents, (BTW I am sure your having a girl as twice I put her instead of his/her!!). I know its not the same, but my sisters husband family live in the Shetland Islands and we live in Kent, and they set up a blog (which only family could access) which they posted a photo/videoclip on daily so that his family could see the change in their son. He is now 4 and has probably seen his Grandparents 4 times. DN and his Grandparents speak on the phone (that skype thing) every day and my DSis always incourages Naill to send drawings and stuff they collect on walks etc., regularly. Last week they did virtual baking together ... I kid you not, Niall had a headset on and his Granny (with Dsis help) and he baked little cakes together, to say it was surreal is an understatement. So I can't help you with your isolated feelings but I hope I hae given you food for thought about the closeness that can be achieved between a (mileage) distant Grandparent and Granchild.

I'm 30 wks pg with first and tbh I wonrried more about being homesick BEFORE I was pg. I was umming and aahing about whether to have kids and one of my doubts was about what it would be like being pg and raising kids on the other side of the world from my (and Dh's) family.

Now I am just so pleased to be pg that I haven't really felt homesick. I did a little bit in the first trimester - think I was just feeling so tired and hormonal and the slightest thing would set me off - got a card from my nephew inviting me to his 5th birthday party and I burst into tears! But I haven't felt like this again, in second and third trimesters. I do miss my family but it's all about weighing up what I have here and how often i would really see them all if I was back in UK. Yes, I do feel guilty that my child will have 7 (so far) cousins on my side that she won't be having regular contact with - but we prob would only see them once or twice a year if we were in UK.

I have no idea how I will feel after the birth, I am just going to take it one day at a time! My Dh is great but, like yours, doesn't mind at all about being away from his family (actually I htink he's rather relieved to be away from them )

How long have you been in Oz? I was in NZ 5 years before getting pg so I have built up quite a good network of friends, so I do feel I have some support. Obviously it's not completely the same as family though. Life is never perfect, but we love our life here and I honestly can't imagine living in the UK again. Due to DH's job I dont' think we would be living anywhere near siblings and family so it's not like I'd be popping round to see them every few days or anything.

All this is subject to change of course!

OH YES
and just after I'd had him, I was desolate. I didn't know many people, there weren't many people to come round and see him & coo & bring presents unlike when DD was born, I had no NCT group, noone to go and have coffee with, I had a bored toddler and nothing to do with her, lots of friends in the UK were having babies, my sister came out to visit and then went home early...it was awful. We have had a LOT of trouble with the inlaWS BACK IN THE uk as well which hasn't helped matters.

BUT a lot of it was hormonal and it did get better. He's now 5.5 months and we have friends and plenty to do and it's great. I just wish I'd done all that earlier - so my advice to you is to try and set up some networks etc. NOW rather than waiting until the baby comes.

It's easier for me as my parents are here (and in fact my sis has now moved to Wellington) - it's natural for you to want to see family at this time. I also find myseld grieving a bit even that my children won't grow up in the UK etc. - mad really as we're much better off here

I was terribly homesick and cried alot throughout the pregnancy. I planned knowing that I wouldn't really go through with it going home from NZ to the UK for the birth and coming back when ds was a few months old. I have to say (and I really hope I don't make you feel worse, trying to let you know that alot of other people feel the same as you), that 5 days in hospital with only ds1, dh and a friend/work colleague to visit was the most lonely time ever. My dad gave me a code so I could ring home from my mobile whenever I wanted. ds2 ending up in special care didn't help matters.

Anyway enough negative, what helped for me... knowing that I could phone anytime day or night using that account, we now have skype (get it if you don't when I see how mad my family are on skype I remember why we moved here , joining every group possible to make myself busy and make friends, booking a flight home while pregnant for when ds2 ws 6 months old - this was my lifeline, convincing an old school friend that she needed to visit to help me (may parents won't do the flight).

3 years later I am glad we never went home but it was a long road.

I would also say talk to people about it, even if it's only cyber friends on mumsnet. I sat and cried on my own and ended up with pnd, I'm convinced if I'd talked about it more to somebody I would have been much better.

Isababel I do need to keep things in perspective, you're right: I'm doing the 'dream' image thing, too. And it isn't how it would be in reality. They'd probably be getting on my nerves if I'm honest

Arfishy, very glad to hear things do get better (and glad they did for you). I'd love to go through the pregnancy back home, have baby, have initial help and support, then come back over here once my confidence is up a bit. Yeah RIGHT like that's going to happen from Oz! I felt v deflated yesterday when told by GP no equivalent to NCT here. No joy re: antenatal groups via local council, either. I tried going to antenatal yoga to be nice and bendy and to meet other pg girls but the class only lasted two weeks - it was just me Mrs No Mates turning up . Yet I see pg women and women with young kids EVERYWHERE round where we live. Where do they all go???

thegirlwithnoname the technological revolution that has gone on between you and your family just amazed me, and cheered me up. Virtual cake baking! I'm so impressed. I'll look into some of what you suggested, I think.

AnnainNZ, congrats on your pg and glad your feelings subsided after first trimester. Wish mine had! (I'm 17 weeks.) But taking it one day at a time is of course the right way to look at it. To answer your question we've been in Oz 6 years so we're hardly newcomers here but in the past 18 months three sets of our close friends have moved on, one set back to UK, and this, combined with me not working locally to where I live until recently, and now from home office, means although I know one or two people locally I don't know as many as I would like. I have no doubt a lot of my feelings about running back home are stemming from this and if I had a support network in place I'd feel much much happier.

MrsJohnCusack, oh gawd that sounds so like me. I keep picturing myself in hospital with no one to visit me and bub (I know, a massive overdose of self pity going on here, DH has politely pointed this out). But I think 'grieving' is a very apt word as that's exactly how it feels for me. Both sets of our families have had big things to celebrate and extended family gatherings in the past week, and once again we're not a part of it. No one to blame but ourselves of course, and like I said DH couldn't be less bothered, but right now it does feel like self imposed exile...

Anyway, very glad to hear things are much improved for you now.

I am desperate to do as you suggest and get my support networks in place now but with no antenatal groups and not even yoga anymore I don't know what to do, other than walk around with a sign on my back saying 'pregnant, hormonal and lonely'. And I don't think that's likely to attract meaningful friendships... I think this is another reason why Blighty is feeling so attractive right now. It's so EASY. Ready made friendships, sister waiting with open arms (she's never forgiven me for coming here) SIL nearby, parents down road, NCT on standby...

P.S. Sibble your post wasn't up when I replied, sorry. Am reading now

This might sound weird, but what about going to the local park during times when the kids are not at school and just sit reading a book. You might be seen as someone iffy mind!! The thing is pregnant women with kids would be there, and if they see you sitting there they might start to chat ... long shot I know but might be worth a thought.
The Virtual Cake Baking was bizzare to say the least, they have one of those webcam things and he has a head set on and the laptop is on the tanle with him, and they bake together. I know that they have baked together several times, I just wanted to see it with my own eyes, I've just been on my sis blog and apparently they paint this way too and do story time. DH wanted to know, (when I told him) how old Niall would be before they did a joint airfix construction!!!!

Yes, wouldn't it be nice to press a button and be back in the UK to see people (and shop ).

My friend here with a 6 month old has tons of mummy/baby group friends. I'll ask her how she hooked up with them for you.

I found it difficult being in the UK when dd1 was first born - simply because we went through a tough time with her for the first 6 months and there was not a lot of support - dh and I tended to draw support from each other - however I had made fab friends who were a support where they could be.

We are now in the opposite thing - dh emigrated here and my three daughters are his parents only grandchildren - we have taken them to the other side of the world and whilst it makes me sad to think my FIL never saw my dd2 in real life prior to passing away - my MIL has never met dd2 or 3 and has not seen my 5yo since just before she was two - that is the price we pay for having the lifestyle we want for our family.

I arrived back in aus with a 2yo and pregnant with dd2 - and whilst I had friends and family - friends I had when I was single - my life had changed beyond all recognition whilst I was away and so we had to adjust iyswim.

Where did I go to find friends:

Australian Breastfeeding Association - local groups have morning teas - as do bottlefeeding mums here. There are also playgroups - I know one I went too - expectant mums were welcome as well as those who had children - so no matter if it was your first - come along.

I also made friends at my daughter's kindy - so when they get that bit older.

Even being here close to my family - we do not see a lot of them - my mother still works and so we see her when we can - my db's and sil's live a short distance away, my dd's cousins are over 2 hours drive away - SO we have surrogate family - older couple who are like dds' other set of grandparents, my aunt - dd's great aunt is another one. Our friend's became our family.

It took me two years or so to feel like the UK was home when I first went there - although once I was with dh I made it clear that i could not raise my children in the UK - I know if it came down to it and we did not have a choice then I would make that sacrifice - I just felt that for us - Australia offered a lot more for our dds.

It can be part of the isolation as well as hormonal and homesickness all rolled into one.

I know another friend made good friends with other people in their antenatal classes. The hospital would organise antenatal classes - ours did.

playgroup NSW I take my dds to that - including dd3 who is 5 months old - she has been going from the time she was born.

breastfeeding association

there are free papers out - we get them through kindy but you can find them in the parent rooms of large shopping centres - think ours is called brisbane bubs/kids or something like that - it too has groups in there.

this one lists all sorts of things for various areas - perhaps it will help too

hmm well it is easier once you have the actual baby to go to baby places! you do tend to get chatting to other people with babies once you have one about your person

any hospital antenatal thingies?

yes

would dearly love to be back in NZ at the moment with my mum, dad, G'ma and Nana. However, I am generally happy over here in the UK, so I blame the overwhelming urge to scarper home on hormones.

We are planning to move back in 3-4 years anyway hopefully with family complete and ready to make the most of the country etc.

Still, there is nothing like a few home comforts (no matter what they may be) when you are pregnant.

neuroticlady - just read this thread after replying to your other one. i can relate to what you're saying - its hard going through such a life-changing period so far away from family. i can't stay on for long as my brain doesn't work so well this time of night right now, but there are groups you can join both before and after the birth your little one, so you will be given the opportunity to build good networks. am more than happy to meet for coffee some time too if you're feeling a bit lost. things always seem easier when you've got someone to chat to. really am going to go now!

Hello again PPM - just replied on the other thread. Hope you got a decent night's sleep...

Thanks for suggesting a meet up. That would be nice. I can also tap you for info on the mysterious groups that meet up prior to having bub as I'm getting nowhere finding out about them here!

Once bub arrives, I've discovered that in Avalon (where I am) they have a system of introducing new mums to each other at the early childhood centre (I think that's what it's called: you can tell I'm a novice ).

TheMaskedPoster, yes, let's blame it on those hormones. I think I had a particularly down day yesterday and I don't feel quite as morose or sorry for myself today - everyone can breathe a sigh of relief!

MrsJohnCusack, yes I'm booked into the hospital's antenatal thingies but they don't start till December and patience has never been one of my virtues...

Eidsvold, thanks so much for your post, and for sharing your story which I found so interesting, and the links. Very gratefully received.

Sibble you're absolutely right, talking it through and being honest about feeling fed up/isolated really does help. I'm really sorry you had to go through PND. That thought terrifies me. (My nickname is so apt, don't you think?) I'm glad things are working out for you now and you have no regrets about staying.

arfishy, all problems would be instantly solved if I could press that button and be back in an instant . And the funny thing is, I know if it was that easy I'd soon be happy to press it again and end up right back here. Wouldn't it be great if we could do the Rent-a-ghost thing (showing my age here ) and hold our noses for instant transportation..?

hi there. just got 5 mins before i head to bed. hope you've been feeling better the last couple of days - not so hormonal and homesick. anyway, if you fancy meeting up some time for a coffee drop me a line on peppapigsmum @ hotmail. co. uk (without the gaps). i will have a 3 year old and baby in tow, but am sure we can sort something out. dd1 is becoming a pro on the cafe scene right now!

ps oh for an instant transportation system a la Rentaghost - would sort a lot of my stresses out...