Ready to pack up and leave but can’t

[MaitlandGirl]

Over the past 6mths I’ve been increasingly miserable but this past week has broken me. I can’t cope with living here anymore but can’t afford to move.

The heat is awful, the bushfire less than 1.5km from my door is terrifying and the lack of support from my MIL is really hurtful.

Unfortunately I haven’t worked for the past 7 years as my DW got very unwell and I’m now her full-time carer, so I have limited income, no savings, no future and no chance of moving anywhere else.

We were supposed to be going away for a few days on Monday (a break that used all my savings) but because of the nearby fire we can’t go. I can’t leave my non-driving young adult children to evacuate themselves, 3 dogs and 2 rabbits when there’s no one local enough to help them. The insurance won’t pay out so there’s no chance of rebooking when it’s cooler.

This wasn’t what I imagined my life would be when we moved to Australia.

That sounds really tough. So sorry you’re going through times like this. You’re right not to leave the animals and young adults alone.

You’ll need every scrap of resilience to get through this bit then you need to start really communicating with your dear about what it best foe the future. I do hope your luck turns soon. I can’t advise on Australia at all - but there must be good bits too? Sounds like you are very homesick though.

Dear = dw - sorry

How long have you been there?

Are you able to take the young adult children with you or could they stay with friends or relatives? or perhaps put the animals in kennels etc near to where you are staying for the length of your stay so you can still have your break?

You sound worn out are there any charities/respite care services that could help with your wife occasionally so you can have a break and some time to yourself? Have a look and see if there are any organisations that support carers.Making big decisions when you are worn down is not always the wisest option.

Regarding your move? Where would you like to move to? back to the UK? The grass isn't always greener but if you have family in the UK that could support you and your family that may be a wise option and if you are a British National I would imagine you would entitled to carers allowance and other benefits - you would have to look into this first.

You could consider selling your house and maybe renting short term in the UK for a while to see if this is what you want. Are there any financial organisations in Australia (like the equivalent of Citizens Advice?) that could help you look at your finances and assess your options? or you could look at moving to another area in Australia which is more suitable for your current situation - where you have support services that you could assess easily and help nearby if you need it.

Are you adult children helping with your DW so you can have some time to yourself? You say you have no support from your mother in law. Do you know why that is? You need to pluck up the courage and have a direct conversation with her and your children to make sure they know how exhausted you are and that you need their help.

We’ve been here 10 years now and it’s the girls and myself have citizenship (DS doesn’t yet). DW is Australian by birth and also a UK citizen via her dad.

MIL is awful, she’s not an option when it comes to help and support for a whole variety of reasons. FIL is fantastic (but he’s very busy) and BIL is an ex serviceman with his own problems. He has been great in renting us one of his investment properties for below market rate but when it comes to other support he doesn’t have the time or mental headspace.

Ideally I’d love to be back in the Northern Hemisphere - somewhere where Christmas is in winter would be great but that’s not going to happen (unless we win the lottery) and I doubt the girls would come with us (they’re both at uni here). Realistically I think we’d be very happy in Tasmania. Somewhere cooler, further away from the MIL but still affordable. DW has a seizure disorder where she has multiple daily seizures if she gets too hot and 40C + days are making her so sick.

The kids are all pretty good but they’ve all got their own lives. It’s difficult as non of them have got their licenses yet and we’re half an hour from the nearest medical help if anything happens. MIL won’t help and makes things worse as she refuses to accept DWs full diagnosis and limitations.

Unfortunately our holiday is a total bust - there is literally no one who can help them or who we’d feel comfortable trusting the dogs to. There was a local kennels we thought about but they’ve recently lost one of their boarders so we can’t leave the dogs there.

I’m tired and worn down and sick and tired of the heat. I really like this country but I don’t know that I love it anymore.

You will get to a better state of mind, even if that then takes you to a place of change and more uncertainty - at least initially. This crisis level can’t go on forever. Keep communicating with your wife and girls about your feelings.

One day at at time - maybe you can draw up a rota where your girls can let you have a day off so you can get some time to yourself to rest and to allow you to think more clearly. If you carry on the way you are you could become ill yourself.

Just a thought - rather than cancelling your break could you contact the holiday providers and ask if you could move it to another date -if you explain the circumstances. I have done this myself recently.

Maybe spend a little time researching Tasmania, have a break there check climate, rental prices and areas etc. You may not be able to action your future plan yet until your girls are older/can drive etc but by doing some research into what you may be able to change in the future you may feel more positive that you are taking some action to change things in the future.

There are some websites where you can do houseswaps for holidays.Is this something you could consider in the future perhaps to keep your costs low?

What kind of support do you get from agency's etc op? Do you have any carers or assistance from places like rdns?

We don’t have any external support, there isn’t any where we live :(

Our holiday is definitely gone - ironically it was going to be a 5 night cruise to Tasmania (cheaper than it sounds) so we could get a bit of a feel for the area and landscape.

So you're pretty remote then? Have you ever contacted a social worker?

I would definitely contact the cruise company and explain about the fires.

It does sound like moving, at least somewhere less rural with more support services, would massively benefit you.

Op I know you want to go to Tas and weather wise it'd probably be good for you. However if I were you, with uni aged kids, I'd consider packing up and driving to Adelaide. I presume your kids could get uni accomodation if necessary.

I'd contact disability housing and services in Adelaide, and I'd look at areas like Victor Harbor. Smaller town, cooler than central Adelaide, but still has access to support services. SA will be cheaper to live in. I'd live there and once I could afford it I'd move to Tas.

Well, things have gotten a lot worse and a lot more complicated. BIL has decided to sell the house so it’s now even more important we find somewhere else to live.

I can’t and won’t force the girls to move out - I always said they’d have a home with us for as long as they need and I want to take as much pressure off them as possible while they’re studying. I can’t just up and leave and move to a different state and leave them behind with no family here.

Pipe dreams and fairytales are one thing, reality is totally different.

This sounds so tough. Have you got anywhere with finding another place to live?

We’ve managed to negotiate an extra 12 mth lease, after which he’s going to put the house on the market (if it’s financially worth it) so we’ve got at least another 15mths here.

Our plan for that time is zero spend and see how much we can save, with a view to relocating away from the crazy in-laws to somewhere cooler (and hopefully away from the bushfire zones).