How long will kids start making friends?

[Hotchocolatemonster]

We have just moved to southern California and I must say I am not enjoying it at the moment- high living cost, insane house price and rental, rude drivers everywhere...
But I am trying to be grateful and enjoy the current.

However, my kids haven't really made any good friends after started new schools one month ago. I am a bit concerned. They are both smart kids and sociable, they have very good friends circles back home.

Our disadvantage is probably starting the new school middle term when everyone else was already settled. I did hear my kids coming home telling me the school kids here are friendly and they have someone to hang out with at school. But I haven't got any other parents contact me for playdate or anything.

I don't know how to get in touch with other parents. At pick up time everyone sits in the car. I went to a parent workshop (admit it's not a very social occasion ) and no one talked to me so I just sat alone.
Back home my kids' school has parents email list, WhatsApp, parents FB, all very useful if you want to ask for help or get to know people.
Here in the new school - I have asked and they don't have any of these!
I am lost. I don't know how to get access to other parents when everyone sits in the car !

Back home I know all my children's classmate's parents, I am good friends with their friends' mums... we go out for lunches, drinks... I miss all my friends and the comfort of knowing your kids' school community.

Can anyone offer any advice how long does it take for the new kids to make some good friends?
I am sad when I saw my kids looking at photos of their old friends, asking to facetime with them....
I feel like an invisible person everyday at pick-up.

Not sure how old your children are but the way I made friends with other parents was through joining the PTA, helping out at events, volunteering at the school, watching my kids' sports events, watching various other school performances, going to any school events (grandparents day, open houses, etc), going to library story time, and just doing stuff like going to the playground/beach/pool and chatting to people there.

Whenever my kids asked to have friends over I said yes.

I didn't do school drop off or pick up much because ours tend to all go by bus or walk/bike themselves there.

Our schools don't have WhatsApp groups that I know of, and school parents' FB groups don't seem to be much of a thing. I did join a local mum's group initially that was great for making some friends.

Our school PTA did produce a directory of children's and parents' addresses etc but I don't know how common that is.

I also had two at nursery, so I made a lot of friends through that - it was a very friendly group.

Keep at it. You'll get there gradually. It'll be different to how you made friends in the UK but you and your kids will make them.

Sorry you’re struggling - I’m in SoCal too but we’ve been here donkeys years. Another British family moved at the start of this year and have been enveloped immediately into the community so I’m sad that the same hasn’t happened for you - is there not a class roster at least so you can contact other parents? How old are DC?

The age of your DC is the big factor here. Different approaches work for different age groups, for example much more chances to get into schools in primaries than middle or high schools. But extra curricular activities is probably common irrespective of age - what do they do or want to do? Can you get them signed up into activities and encourage friendships that way? Sitting on the sideline/waiting etc is usually a natural place to chat to parents.

And I do mean this kindly - I urge you to separate their friendships from yours. Are they feeling left out or are you missing your friendship group, which coincidentally was an easy friendship group for your DC? If youve been somewhere since birth, kindie or reception then these friendships are easy. As kids get older especially middle and high school it's less likely their friends parents equal your friends and vice versa.

Thanks for the lovely replies from you all.

My DC are 13 and 10. They both started here in the middle year and missed all the orientation. The schools didn't take time to give individual attention to help them settle in, they need to find out a lot of things on their own. I asked for buddy program and that didn't happen either.

New friends - My kids have both mentioned a few names regularly and they don't seem miserable. But I know they miss their friends and school back home. I reflect on our school back home, whenever new families join in, there are always events they can join in to get to know people, new kids often get to invited to playdate quickly. I don't know why it's so different here... I started wondering whether parents here just don't do playdates?! But I know that's absurd.

I just hope my kids will get invited to things, parities, playdates and I know that will make them feel happy and settling in.

School PTA -There aren't many events in my daughter's elementary school - only parents workshops and book fairs so far , I went to those and they feel like just straight to business. I wish there would be parents coffee mornings, etc...

Back home the school community and kids friends are one of the things that I have put in effort and had great result, no need to worry anymore.

Who knew after all these years I will start over all again and only found the culture here completely different.

Really miss the familiarity back home.

IS IT WRONG to move kids of this age overseas when they have such good school and friends already back in UK?

But I will still give it a go. An try to be positive.

I moved to LA last year from NYC and it was hard to make friends at first, with kids the age of yours there is little contact with the other parents via school. Getting involved in activities was the key for us, they joined lots of sports teams through the town and at a club level and we ended up meeting a lot of people that way. I'm not sure where in SoCal you are but we have town basketball, baseball etc and anyone can join even if they have never played before and it is all very social. THey have made some of their best friends this way as have DH and I. I also got involved in a local volunteer organization as a way to meet people. I still haven't made best friends for life but have a lot of people I enjoy spending time with. I think you need to give it a bit more time and let things happen organically which I'm sure they will.

A month is really not enough time. It can be hard to make friends with parents at school, especially since American schools can be larger. Your middle schooler may have to take the initiative and invite friends over--I wouldn't expect another parent to contact me to set it up at that age but for my child to just confirm the time with me. Mine have also made friends through activities. For myself I haven't really made friends through school; I've done it through hobbies (see my SN!)

(funnily enough at our middle school the new principal did try a sort of coffee morning idea--and got a lot of pushback for being unfriendly to working parents)

Where about are you OP we are one month into our move here too. I understand your angst. Where are you living? Its a big place I know but I also have a ten year old DD so I ask just in case we are nearby!

My son is 11 so If OP and @wondertime are L.A. based (and I see @britinnyc is too) maybe we can do a MN get together

A month is no time at all.

I’d be looking at them getting involved in clubs, sports or scouts and Girl Scouts and other out of school stuff depending on what your kids like.

Joining mid year is always going to be a challenge but only a month is no time at all.

Yep LA here, I’m in!

Thanks again for all of your replies - so helpful and warming!

I agree - one month is not a lot and I shall not panic just yet. I just feel a bit sad watching my kids facetime chatting with friends back home with big smiles on their face...

It seems according to many of you, going to activities is the key. But does that mean people here will focus more on the friendship formed from out of school activities? Do they not care much about knowing other parents in their kids' schools? I know I do - after all our kids spend a big chunk of time at school everyday.

Now, I need some hot chocolate...

@wondertime @IJumpedAboardAPirateShip

A MN get together sounds great! I am in San Diego, a bit far from L.A.

Anyone in SD? :)

To be fair once their at secondary school I had no idea on parents or friend’s parents beyond the few closest

Think in that way you’re looking for something that doesn’t really exist for older kids. Sorry.

As someone who’s moved a lot over the years found for both adults and kids forcing ourselves to do clubs and activities was the best way to get a friendship group.

This varies by area--but often the activities don't really cross school lines very much (or they will be from, say, adjacent elementary schools), and some of the activities are themselves school based especially as kids get older. For example in my area Scout troops are all arranged by school.

So even though it's often the same kids, the setting seems to help kids make friends more easily because they know they have things in common.

I live in a suburb where schools are geographically zoned and I run into parents elsewhere in town--so between that and PTA activities etc I did eventually get to know other parents in school.

Honestly I think it just depends like it would do in the U.K., I guarantee not all schools in the U.K. are as lovely and inclusive as yours was!

But if the school isn’t forthcoming then activities may we’ll be the way - at least you have opportunities to chat to other parents at practises and matches

Also @Hotchocolatemonster depending where in LA the rest of us are it could well be just as easy to arrange a meet up with you say in the OC or Laguna as it would be with each other!!

It seems according to many of you, going to activities is the key. But does that mean people here will focus more on the friendship formed from out of school activities? Do they not care much about knowing other parents in their kids' schools? hmm I know I do - after all our kids spend a big chunk of time at school everyday.

I care about knowing other parents in my kids' schools. I met them through a mixture of events, PTA, going to the park, volunteering etc. Then I bump into them at school and non-school events like the chorus and band shows, parents evenings, ski swaps, craft fair, all sorts.

I also have lots of friends who either don't have kids or whose kids go to other schools than mine. Some I met through a group called Mom to Mom of Maine, some through my work, some through DH's work, some through volunteer roles, some through my DD being part of a multi-school chorus, some through helping with local political stuff.

I'm also on some local Facebook groups which is a good way to connect with others and find out what's going on that you could join in with.

Now I have one child at college, 1700 miles away, so I'm on a FB group for parents of students, and have met people through that and got together at college events.

There are tons of ways to meet people. When I first moved here I went out a lot, joined in with lots of things, and generally was very outgoing.

I think you maybe need to discount the idea that you'll automatically meet people at the school gate, or at coffee mornings, and start looking at where and when there are other ways to meet other people including school parents.

I have read all of your comments. Thanks a lot, dear MNers!

I have taken onboard all of the good suggestions. I have reached out to other mums, had coffee with them, sighing kids for activities,etc. Most importantly, I have told myself to be patient and give it time. There are indeed a lot of things going on here and one needs to just go and try.

Wherever you are, hope you are having a good week :)

@IJumpedAboardAPirateShip
Sounds great! I think OC is not far from me.