I don't know what to do

[sandcastles]

Dh hates it here in Australia. Said last weekend that he now understands why he left here in 1989. I just don't know what to do. He wants to go back to the UK, I don't. If we go back he will be happy, I will be miserable. I don't get homesick, I miss friends, but that's all I miss.

I did as he asked, I gave it all up in June 06 to start a new life with him in Australia. EVERYTHING I had ever known for 32 years, friends/family/familiarity ....EVERYTHING.....
He missed family, he wanted his daughter to know his family better than an odd visit here & there, he didn't like the UK....so many points he used to sell Australia to me. But in reality it didn't take much, I always said I'd follow him here, if that is what he wanted. And now he wants me to do it all over again, only I can't! I can't give it all up again. I think he is the problem, I think Australia/UK, he will still be unhappy. But he thinks the problem can be solved by leaving one country for another. The other thing is...I have no idea what the 'problem' is....

Now, I have to live with the fact that my actions (or inactions) are making him miserable & I don't know how long I can go on feeling like this. Feeling that at any time he can throw it in my face. He is miserable & it is my fault. Said he'd be on a plane tomorrow if I would go. He says he knows it is his fault he is unhappy & he doesn't blame anyone but himself.....But each day as his mood darkens I find it harder to believe.

I told him I couldn't live with him being this miserable & snappy for the rest of my life & he said I wouldn't have to, he'd not be here long enough. That he wouldn't stay here that long becuase he has never been more miserable than these past 2 months.

So do we live eternity being miserable, because if we are together here or in the UK either one of us will be, or do we call it a day & I stay here & he goes? That is, if I am allowed to stay here without him, as I couldn't enter the country without him....

Because I don't know what to do.

Yes, I think I need to tell his parents, or at least he should.

I really don't think it is boredom, we are not nightlife people at all, prefering a dvd night in to pubs etc.

I'll ask MIL to babysit during the next week, maybe we can go to the cinema & for a couple of drinks to relieve the 'boredom'

BecauseIm...it is a 'proper' job in the way that he has fulltime hours, good pay, stability, etc. It is with the company he used to work at when he lived here before, hence he just walked into it. We always knew it might be short term, so there is NO reason why he can't change. But there is also no reason why he can't stay. But agree, he should move on if he doesn't like it.

I really want to stay here, can't say if I will be happy if he goes & the dilema we are faced with hurts, so him leaving would too, but my need to stay put is now greater than my need to follow him, if that makes sense.

I feel kind of let down & hurt that he is once again asking me to give up everything. Coming here, I guess we gave up the same amount, but it will deff be me who gives up more going the other way.

Thank you all for your input so far, at least I know he is asking a little too much & it's not me being stubborn.

Am off to bed now, so apologies to anyone who posts beyond this post. Will catch up in the morning.

I do think he sounds a bit depressed. If you could get to the bottom of it - either what's really making him unhappy or if it is depression then some help from your GP.

Perhaps if you do get to take him out for a beer or two you could have a proper chat about what's really on his mind. At least then you'd have something to go on.

Arfishy, I am hoping to get him out sometime, maybe the weekend. The weekend seems to be the real 'down' time, so I am hoping it will make it easier to talk.

I did call him at work today on something totally unrelated & he sounded quite miserable, so maybe that is the factor. In which case we can remedy that fairly easily!

sandcastles - sorry to read this - Has your dh been back to the Uk since you have moved here?

reason i ask ( although he loved it here anyway) dh found when he went back last year for his dad and then the funeral - he really missed Aus - especially as we were all here I guess too but he saw the UK with new eyes and was so glad we had made the move. ( even though in Aus he knew it was the best move and he loves living here) hope you can understand what I mean.

Can you not send him back for a couple of weeks - see what it is really like?

Perhaps he is depressed - has a bit of that SAD - I know my MIL gets it and finds winter very difficult - could be made even worse by the huge contrast between winter and summer here in Aus iyswim.

I know dh felt a bit restless when he first started work at the job he had and it was really hard cause he really was not totally happy in his job. Once he got a new job - one doing more what he was interested in - made a difference.

I agree with you though about how fab this is for dd and I know what a huge job it would be to move back etc. Your actions or inactions are not making him miserable - sorry but he is a grown man and he is choosing to be miserable. As you said - he could have gone to the park with you and dd or you have ready babysitters so could go out and do different things - he is choosing not to.

Ditto all the other suggestions that others have said about really thinking about what he misses most etc - good and bad points etc.

sorry realise this is a bit of a ramble but just some thoughts for you to ponder.

TBH for me going to the UK - it took a good two years before I felt settled and then dh came along and totally rocked my world and then dd1 and so on... BUT it really did take a while for it to feel like 'home' as such.

Eids, thank you for your reply. I do understand what you are saying about visiting the UK & seeing all the 'bad' things a fresh. I have suggested it & he said 'maybe' which usually means he is thinking about it.

I think maybe the SAD is a possiblity too, like you say there is such a contrast in seasons here & in the summer we were so busy with the beach etc. we didn't have time to miss anything.

As I said before, I think the job is a factor, as he seemed so miserable today when I called him. Tonight it was wonderful tho, like having dh back...he was relaxed, laughing, playing with dd etc...which has made me think that the whole "wanting to go home" is a knee jerk reaction.

Dd is also poorly & she was running a fever/coughing/not eating/not doing much yest'day & I know he hates it when we are sick..he hates dr's etc. Maybe that added to it yest'day? Also, dd, who is normally quite free of colds & the such has had a few this winter, which I guess is to be expected wit the new environments/kindy/playgroups etc. Not that I am excusing him, but I can see how it might have made things seem worse in his eyes.

And I do understand now, that I am not responsible for him being miserable, you are right!

I am taking him out on the weekend, if the IL's can sit, to see (for the love of all things holy, it will be torturous for me) The Simpsons Movie. I think we need time together & hopefully we can make more of a habit of it. I have also commited myself to making sure we all do things, even if it is just a trip to the park etc.

I hope I can help him adjust & settle more. Then we can all stay here & have the life I would love us all to have

Btw...2nd snapfish book came today

the job can make such a difference.

As to your dd - we have had here in Brissy such unseasonable winter - not cold enough for long enough to kill off the germs. You will probably find next winter she will be better. I know dd2 had a lot of croup etc at first but now she is fine. We have had very little this winter.

Sancastles, I'm really sorry for the dilemma you're facing. I thought I'd get in touch as I have no doubt depression is at the root of all this with your DH and the easiest way to vocalise this/put blame on something, is to blame Australia and the move here. I base this on experience: we've gone through a few years of infertility treatment in the six years we've lived here (first bub on way, woo hoo) and looking back I can SEE I was depressed and Australia got blamed for just about everything. Still does on some days! My DH used to say to me I should get on a plane and go back to UK for three months as I was looking at it through rose tinted glasses and if I spent some real time there (not just a couple of weeks' hol time) I'd soon see Australia was not the villain and I'd remember all the reasons why we decided to leave. If your DH had some 'real' time back there, without you, his eyes might be opened to whatever the real issue is with him and he'd realise what he was throwing away.

Just a thought: if your DH was so keen for you all to come to Oz and leave UK could it be his issues actually started back there and not in Australia? It's so easy to think 'it'll all be different in a different country'...I really don't think England or Australia are the problem here. It's him and his issues but maybe he simply can't think straight enough to see that right now. Plus men are notoriously bad when it comes to talking about their feelings. If he's miserable in his job or something it could be his male pride stopping him from saying anything - breadwinner, provider, etc.

I also know how hard it can be to get a reluctant DH to the docs but if there's any way you can manage it I think it's got to be the best thing for all of you. Perhaps if he realises the reality of the situation, that he is on the verge of choosing England (which won't make him happy if it's not the real problem) over his family then he might be prepared to seek answers and get help elsewhere.

By the way, I thought it was really positive that you said you got the 'old' DH back last night. I wonder what had happened yesterday that gave him such a lift and gave you back your DH? Oh Sandcastles I really hope you get this sorted out. I don't think any of you want to split up from what you say. Good luck.

P.S. Sorry for massive post.

Blimey, you'd think I had managed to say it all in my massive post just now, wouldn't you?

I've just remembered a friend of mine went through a bad patch here a couple of years ago - hated job, couldn't meet a man etc - and was seriously considering going back to England. She went to talk to someone (counselor) first and the counselor told her going back to England was not the answer, it simply felt like it was, as in times of stress we feel the need to run back to something/somewhere that feels familiar and secure. I thought that was fantastic advice and luckily she heeded it and now is loving life here, selling up in England and has no plans to return. Try if you can to get him to GP/counselor (bossy)...

Eids, I am sure MIL said that we would all get colds/bugs this winter as we adjusted so what you say sounds right. Dd is getting better now, thankfully.

neuroticlady, I am sure the job is a big factor. I don't know what happened yest'day for him to be the old dh, only thing diff is that the dr said dd had a cold & not this horrible flu that is going around.

He also played in the garden with the dog as it was light for some after he got home from work. But I am deff going to suggest he look into changing jobs.

He was keen to leave the UK mainly to be with his family, but as I said he was unhappy in his job there...Hmmm familiar pattern here I think. He was unhappy with his job in the UK, so I am thinking a change in career maybe in order.

I'm glad it worked out for you (congratulations, btw) and your friend. It is possible for him to settle, I think he just needs time & some patience. I'll suggest talking to someone to hmm.

Thank You

Sandcastles- I do feel for you so much. There's been a lot of good advice here about possible course of action. your post strikes some chords with me as my dh is inclined to become melancholy or discouraged at times- depressed is too strong a word for it. I think it is hard for some men to build a social network without feeling that they are missing out on family life or neglecting work. My dh has found it really hard to adapt to the time pressures of having children and being naturally badly organised he often spends way too much time thinking and not enough time doing. This means that he doesn't maintain friendships in the way that I do, he doesn't plan things he wants to do, he just expects them somehow to happen. The result of this is that at times he gets wound up because he feels he is just going to work and coming home with not much else to enjoy.
I don't think Australia is the problem and 5 minutes at Heathrow would probably be enough to make that very clear to him.
We are in the opposite situation to you- about to go back to the Uk after a year here. I think dh will be really low when he gets back and underestimates how much better life is here than at home. As We try and make sure that we are sure that we don't want to live here, we are also having a lot of discussions about what it is in life that really matters to both of us. Maybe he has lost his way a little and is feeling ground down. Perhaps exploring what it is that he wants for his family and himself might help him to see that location is not the problem; it's that he now needs to get involved in things here to make him feel rooted.
Sorry for being so long!

Precise & to the point, eh Califrau? You made me LOL, which isn't easy with this cough!

Robinpud, your post makes sense about how he just works & comes home/works, comes home. I am not sure what he'd like to be doing, but he does expect, on some scale, for it to just happen.

He has actually 'bumped' into 2 guys he used to know when he lived here years ago. He failed to arrange anything with them, or get numbers. He said it just didn't occur to him.

I don't think the UK is the answer, hopefully we can find out what is over the next week or so & work from there.

but sandcastles that situation with old contacts is so male ( i know gender stereotyping) BUT women would think - lets meet up again for coffee etc and try and get numbers.

Now that I think back - dh felt a bit like this last year - not helped by his father getting ill and then passing away rather quickly ( can you believe we are coming up to the first anniversary of that!! where did that year go?)

ANYWAY - dh felt all he did was go to work, come home, go to bed, get up and start all over again. He started going to the gym at his work - so he goes to the gym and just comes home a little later. The other thing he did was get involved in the community. He joined the SES!

South Aus SES

it involves one night a week 3 weeks out of 4 in the month, possibly being called out to do search and rescue, storm stuff and helping out at community functions.

Dh is an office guy - has never really done a lot of manual stuff and when he went to join he figured they would not have him. He was surprised when he made the cut - and he loves it - makes me chuckle at times. BUT it gets him out of the house - sometimes on a weekend, gives him some 'male' time and he feels like he is part of the community. I think this went a long way to helping him feel even better about being here ( as well as his trips back!)

SO just a thought - perhaps he could join a community thing - even groups like APEX or ROTARY or something like that. Worth a shot.

that flu is a worry Sandcastles. I have never given dd1 a flu shot but it seems I should have as the flu can be even worse for her with her history of cardiac issues!!!!

Oh sandcastles, I'm so sorry. I have only read the OP so may have missed something important but I just wanted to lend my support.

It does sound like your DH isn't quite himself atm. I think for a while, I was a bit like him - seeing only good in the UK and all the bad stuff of living overseas. But I know that isn't how things really are - there are pros and cons of living in either place. If it is depression, winter can make it worse as can being homesick, stressed etc - maybe he just has a lot that is bothering him - maybe he can work a few of those things out?

It doesn't help you at all, but I have been in a similar situation. I followed H on a temporary move to the US then he decided he wanted to stay in the US permanently, I wasn't convinced... I won't give you all the gory details (unless you want me to) - you can email me if you like: busy mamama @ gmail.com (no gaps)

Don't rush anything - things can change.

Take Care x

Just out of interest does your DH do any excercise? I find that my DH can be a moody negative git when he gets into couch potato mode.

A couple of years ago he put on a bit of weight and was quite depressed too. He then out of the blue decided to start running. To begin with he would go out for maybe 20mins and run around the nearby playing fields. He gradually built up his times and distances until this year when he ran in the London marathon and finished in 4hrs 26 mins. He is a different person thesedays, he has a gym membership which he actually uses and still runs a couple of days a week.

Maybe something as simple as a bit of excercise could help him?? Just a thought...

Thanks for all the messages. We have a happy dh again today.

I think the getting involved thing is a great idea, Eids. he is currently taking the dog to obedience (started last week) so it gets him out the house.

I'll look into the others you mentioned & see what might interest him.

The flu is a worry, I di take her to the dr & she has a common cold, but we are keeping a closer eye on her! I think I would deff consider the flu shot for her if ever we get it this bad again, even if just for peace of mind!

Mamama, I agree with you about the good & bad points of either place, which somebody mentioned below. I have just found out his oldest friend hasn't been in contact at all since we got here. He has had 1 email from the guys girlfriend, but nowt from him. I was thinking they were corrosponding via email...I'm pretty pissed about this, they have been friends for years & always been there for each other. I expect this can't be helping!

Super, no, no exercise. I guess that is a factor too, as at least twice a week in the summner we would be at the beach & we would walk along it with dd, every little helps!

Califrau, it just made me LOL. Couldn't have put it better myself.

He is currently teaching dd how to play the PS2 & they are laughing...so a better day, me thinks!

sandy if it is any consolation - we have had very little contact from dh's mates since we have been here. I tend to be the one who shoots off big emails to our list and dh sometimes replies to those replies BUT generally he is pretty crap at keeping in touch! It must be a guy thing - I think

Eids, I know that dh isn't the best, but he tries with his guy as they are (were) so close. He was also dh's boss for the last 2 years in the UK & we are still waiting for him to send a reference to dh's current employer...some way to run a business!

Dh has phoned him a couple of times, but not for a long time. This guy wanted to bring his ds's over for a holiday...but guess where they WON'T be staying!

Oh wonderful!! Glad to hear things are improving for you both.

Glad to hear things are better x