Back home. And desperately, overwhelmingly homesick

[cheeseismydownfall]

We came back to the UK in January after three years in the US and I'm utterly miserable. If I'm honest, it's gone beyond miserable and I am feeling depressed in a way I have never done before. We were so happy in the US and I just miss our old life desperately. We thought coming back would be best as my eldest starts secondary in September and staying in the US long term was never an option. I thought that getting settled would be a positive thing but the reality it I feel hopelessly trapped. I just want to run away and start a new adventure but we can't because the children are older now and it wouldn't be fair on them. DH is settled back, the children settling back, and I am sat here sobbing for the life I've lost. I honestly wish we had never gone. I can't face the thought of being stuck in our life for the next ten years while the children finish school. Stupidly we have come back to a rural area so I feel even more isolated, bored and hopeless. In the US I had a fabulous job that I simply cannot replicate here. It all feels so pointless. Apologies for the rambling but I'm so so unhappy and I just don't know what to do.

We went away for a couple of years to a Latin American country, it was very hard, we all had to learn Spanish from scratch, the country wasn't the easiest to live in.
So we came back when it was time. We all found it hard. Dc settled after six months, it probably took 18 months for dh and I to settle.
We always tell people coming back was much harder than going out.
Following Brexit we actually left again but we were pretty happy and settled ironically by the time we left again.
Hang in there Op.

It takes time op give yourself a year. Is there anything you're glad to be back for? Friends? Family? It took me 18 months to resettle ( Then we left again!)

I went through a similar experience when I moved here. I came on my own. My husband is American and I moved here to him. For the first 2 years I felt like I had lost a huge part of me. I kept thinking of everything I’d left behind - my job, my family, my friends, my house. I was happy to be finally able to live with my husband after being in a LDR for over 4 years. But there was something missing and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Then I reached a turning point. All of a sudden I started to see the US as home. I don’t even know what I did to make the change, it if I did anything at all. It just seemed to happen overnight. I’ve made new memories here and although I will always have fond memories of the UK and enjoy my visits with my family, here just feels like home now. I’m sure it’ll happen to you too and the UK will all of a sudden feel like home. But it may take a while.

Oh my. This must be so hard on you. I really feel for you. I think sometimes there is a natural come down after organising something big (for example a big move oversees or a wedding) because once the event comes and goes there just feels like a big gap left behind. I know I’ve felt a big gap this past year, we made a big-for-us move and after all the organising for it I definitely felt almost bereft. I had thrown myself into research and packing etc and then after we moved there’s more research and unpacking but after a while it can feel like ‘and now what?’. I don’t know what the answer for you is. But I can definitely empathise with your feelings.

It is hard but I think the fact you had a job you loved and now you don’t have that must be a big part of your unhappiness.

I think it is harder for the SAHP. Everyone else just picks up their lives going to school and work just like before and you are just there. Having your old life ripped away from under you and having to sort out everyone else’s problems like getting registered with a dentist and finding completely black PE socks.

You won’t be feeling like this for the next ten years whilst your dc finish school, don’t worry. You will adjust and find your feet again. Try to start doing some things that are for yourself.

I was like you, I never settled where we initially moved to and we moved again within the U.K. after 3 years. It's ok now but I still pine occasionally for our carefree us life but I know it would not have been carefree if we had stayed because the kids would have been in school etc

It's very hard but my advice is to give yourself time, move somewhere busier or where you can at least get a job or something to keep you occupied. I've thrown myself into work to take my mind off things and it helps. Be prepared to feel like you are in limbo for a long time and like you don't belong anywhere (not sure if that feeling ever actually goes).

We are moving back to the UK after 13 years in Belgium, and I am really looking forward to it. I've enjoyed Belgium, but I've always felt like an observer, rather than it being home, and the UK is still very much 'home' to me.

We are returning to our own house; dh is retiring at 58, ds is through university, so we can suit ourselves. As we are returning to our own house, I have already been told that my name is down on the list for various village committees, so I will hopefully just slot back in to village life.

My immediate reaction is to move back if you were all so happy there... If that is an absolute no go then I think moving out of a rural area is key. It sounds like you have had a drastic life change in more ways than one. What are you trapped by, your husbands job, DC's school? Is there really no manoeuvre for change? You must have had a huge amount of decisions to make when coming back and not all have worked out, rather than be stuck with them can make changes? It sounds like everyones needs are met except your own and your needs are just as deserving.

I remember feeling just like you when we moved back to the UK 10 years ago after six years in the US. We moved back at the start of November and into a holiday cottage down a muddy lane - I remember feeling absolutely miserable, missing my friends and my social life so much, and struggling to reconnect with old friends in the UK who had all moved on and were busy.

The best advice I can give you OP is hang in there - it does get better - but don't expect it to be fabulous immediately. Spend time with family, go on holiday in Europe to remind yourselves how lovely it is to be able to go over there easily, reconnect with friends, join a fitness group of some time to get you out of the house and get some endorphins flowing, and see your doctor and get some ADs if you feel the need to get over this hump.

It can be much harder moving home than moving OS, because at least when you move OS you expect to feel unsettled, coming home you think you're just going to slot back into life easily - but sometimes it's not like that.

And yes, is the rural move permanent? Did you buy or are you renting? Finding the right location is key. Once we moved from the holiday cottage into a small city it gradually got easier.

Find grumpy repat on Facebook. It's fairly quiet, but has loads of people who totally get where you are coming from.

I think it’s not the move back but the complete change in lifestyle. Is there no way you replicate a bit of job back here? Although a “ fabulous” job and rural life aren’t immediate bed fellows.

Maybe have a good think about the future and get a plan. It’s always more bearable in small chunks.

Any chance of going back?

And yes do Europe, great idea Zafferanal
A nice 10 day road trip. Laugh at how you can do France, Belgium and into Germany in a day (possibly half). Austria and through Italy the next. And come back via Switzerland for laughs.

Google 'reverse culture shock'.

Stressful, but absolutely normal. Most people get over it after around two years, but I do know a couple who just couldn't settle and have ended up 'ping ponging' back and forth between countries.

Give it some time. I hope it will get better for you...

I was you, I never settled in the village we moved to here, we moved after 3 years and it's ok, but I still wonder. My head knows that the carefree life we had was not going to continue in the US (my eldest wasn't in school yet) and we would have ended up with mortgages, pensions and all the other baggage of life but I miss my life there. H and I have split and I gazed at on line dating profiles there just thinking, perhaps, maybe ... I won't but I wonder

@cheeseismydownfall , how are you getting on? Do you feel more settled?

Me too!! We moved back in March and we have also moved to a rural area. DH is happy, the kids are delighted, I’ve spent the last month feeling constantly weepy and low. I’m hoping it will get better.