What do you wish you'd known/ done first?

[Fizzy13]

I have just accepted a job in Toulouse and we'll be heading out in August . I will be working, DH will be Daddy for a bit while we get our 3yr old settled in maternelle.
May I use the collective MN experience to smooth our journey?!
Those of you who have made a move abroad what were your big (or small) lessons?
What will I have forgotten about?!
Any advice on adapting to a different culture? (I've lived in the US but that wasn't a major culture change, although I still felt it)
Thanks for any pearls of wisdom!

i would try and get the 3 year old involved in clubs, so she can make some friends/have playdates etc. there is a group called tots and co that may be worth going along to so you can meet new parents (who's first language is english). They also have meet ups that include school aged children during the summer holidays and regular nights out. all the best x

We moved abroad last year. We are not in France, so not sure how helpful this will be, but my (practical) advice would be:

• join any FB groups for expats, as they will be able to give you lots of advice on relocation and may be a good way to meet new people.
• stock up on meds. We now ask visitors to bring calpol, neurofen and paracetamol when they come, as it's way more expensive here than in the UK
• try and download your medical records before you go. I didn't and I really regret it as I can't remember when my next smear is due
• get a haircut before you leave I haven't plucked up the courage to go to the hairdresser's yet!

Can't think of anything else at the moment...
I am struggling a bit with our move so be prepared for that. Homesickness has really affected me, even though I've lived abroad before.

Good luck!

oh, also i would advise getting your daughter started in french classes whilst you are across here, so you have some basic knowledge of the language before you go (provided you don't know any of course!)
- try and download your medical records before you go
agree with this, also dental records (write down when your last appointment was)
stock up on meds
also agree with this, whilst you can buy them in france, things like paracetamol are only available in pharmacies, rather than supermarkets

Stock up on favourite bathroom items (deodorant, conditioner and toothpaste are three things I always buy when going back to the UK).

On a broader level, relocating is stressful because you lose your bearings and your routine. DH and I had a couple of almighty fights in the initial few weeks after moving, but we then emerged from it rock solid.

Relocating can be harder on the trailing spouse as they don’t have the stimulation and outside contact that work provides, so please be attentive to your DH’s feelings, and encourage him to have external activities, be it volunteering, clubs, sports etc.

I would also quickly try to find a babysitter, you don’t want to leave it to the point where it’s urgent and you don’t know who to turn to.

Great advice, thanks everyone.
Hadn't really thought about needing a babysitter urgently.
Have booked hair, optician and dentist appointments for everyone!

Learn French, learn French, learn French. If you don't already! Your 3yo will pick it up in no time.

Try to support your local area - bakery, newsagent, butcher, corner shop. They'll soon get to know you and you'll feel a bit more part of the community.

I think that part of France is quite poor, the Ariege area. I don't know Toulouse, but further south around Food better. So perhaps go easy on flashing the cash (if that's your style).

Enjoy France, we very nearly moved there last year!

Around Food

around Foix

Learn French. Start now. French radio, French TV. You will not just pick it up, you have to work at it.
Make sure DD knows how to ask for the toilet or a drink.

Good point about E knowing how to ask for the toilet. We've got hello, goodbye, and thank you sorted. (with tortoise, fireman and other important ones for 3 yr olds!) but I hadn't done les toilettes et un boisson.
I have approx GCSE french and my husband is better. I'm booking private lessons for the next 3 months before we go too.
I'm asking on lots of local forums about the areas we're looking at. Hopefully there will be a good boulangerie nearby.

Any suggestions about healthcare before we get a carte vitale?

Don't bother with French lessons before you go for 3 year old, ineffective, can cause stress, your confidence your child will integrate into maternelle is your best strategy for language acquisition.

Puzzling why you'd need a babysitter, the vast majority of France does not have babysitters.

Protect your finances, so neither can steal from the other. Moving countries puts strain on relationships and the weaker financial partner is often screwed on break up which is even harder if outside your home country.

Read up on the Hague convention and make sure you understand the consequences - once in France, if one parent wants to move back to UK and one does not, you ll both likely be staying put in France.

I agree that a 3yo in maternelle will pick up the language to the point of fluency in 6 months. In the meantime YOU need to be going to lessons every day if possible once there.

Will your DH be working at Airbus? Do they not offer settling-in help as part of the relocation package? Or are you much more on your own at the start?

Expect officials to seriously not give a shit whether your problem is solved or not. They might be hugely elegant in the way they do it, but they will not care a jot. DH and I call it the 'bof' situation, and it is usually accompanied by a shrug of the shoulders. TBF it was DD living in France at the time, not us, but we had to deal with a bit of bureaucracy too.

I have never been a trailing spouse, but came across a lot of them at DCs' schools. It's psychologically tough on them. It was much easier for those who managed to get some sort of job, preferably a paying one, but also volunteering at a pinch. Could you offer English tutoring in Toulouse while DS is in maternelle?

Best of luck in any case!

For the basics for your dd reach her the common terms, so pipi rather than toilettes et boire rather than boissons, et dodo rather than fatigué.

I'm the one with the job so it will be DH dealing with school. Unfortunately they while they often employ international staff its a government research lab so there isn't much in the way of relocation.

Good point about using pipi etc I'll have to check with a french friend for standard kiddie french phrases.

DH might get work later once DS is settled in school. I think it may be even harder for him as there won't be may dads around. I'm trying to find clubs etc to make sure he has a chance to find some friends. We both obviously will be in french lessons at some point during the week.

I have been warned about the french bureaucracy! It's going to be tough for a bit. I have french friends ready to be phone translators if necessary!

Are you moving with an expat package? If you are, get them to pay for all your official translations. In France, everything has to be translated "assermentée" i.e. by someone accredited to translate it. I'm talking birth and mariage certs basically. It's expensive and annoying (as I'm perfectly capable of translating myself but I'm not allowed to).

I agree that DD will be settled best and will adapt to the language quickest. Pipi, caca, de l'eau, dodo and doudou will be her main words (doudou being her cuddly toy). Also, they are very hot on manners. Every child has to greet her teacher in the morning and say goodbye when leaving.

I'm assuming she'll be in petite section? They still have naps at school at that age. Find out if she has to stay all day or if she can come home in the afternoons - that'll make it easier for her. Also, it's very common for children to come home at lunch break during maternelle and primaire, which I think is great.

Agree with all the medicines comments - it's expensive here and the equivalent to calpol (doliprane) doesn't taste the same at all. You don't want to find out your DD doesn't like it when it's 3am and she has a raging temperature...

Sorry just seen it's DS not DD.

One thing I love about France is all the local parks that everyone goes to after school. Brilliant way to see friends everyday.

Not much to add really, just to say that I had french classes during the day in small groups and that helped me meet people initially, so would suggest that you and your dh dont have lessons toghether.

I also joined the AVF ( can never remember what it stands for) but is an association for new people fo areas - is open to all, so you will get to met french people new to the area and foreigners. They often have english langualge classes as well and is where i met one of my closest french friends. Obvioulsy may be daunting at the beginning but they are usually very understanding about the language probelm. They have a mixutre of classes and social activites such as hiking etc. Would defintily join.

avf.asso.fr/toulouse/

Here is fhe link. Seems to be in french and english.

Super thank you @Humphriescushion#
Definitely having solo french lessons. DH may be better than me but he's not always right and has way more confidence than me. I will definitely learn better alone!

I'll look into getting certificates translated. I'm sure we will need them. Unfortunately its just us going ourselves for a new research job for me.

DS will be in moyen section at a local maternelle hopefully. He's pretty good with his bonjour, merci and au revoir so far (many a holiday in france) but i think his shyness may be a stickler there. We're working on please... but we have been watching "oui oui" and "Sam le pompier" for years so I think he'll be fine!

I would recommend the French courses at the Institut français for your DH. You have to apply so good idea to look into this now. They are excellent (I went from level B1 to C1 in 3 months of immersion) and a good way for your DH to meet people. Don't underestimate how complicated everything will seem at first however good your French is already. Verlan seems to have crept in everywhere and the French we learned at school doesn't seem to exist now. (Maybe different in Toulouse, we live further north).

Your DC will probably be silent for a few months at school, and the staff may be concerned depending on how used they are to expats, but don't worry, it will kick in. For you it will be harder. If you are working with French people expect them all to speak English to you, which is great but won't necessarily improve your French!

Yes bureaucracy is a nightmare. Be prepared to hand over endless documents. Repeatedly. If your DH wants to do the course at the IF for example, he will need to provide his birth certificate and GCSE/o'level certificates! I had to reapply for mine as they had been lost in endless moves. After 4 years I was still not "recognised" by the state as I was a dependent (on DH). Fortunately it is not a problem for us but be prepared to have to pay for everything for a while (depends if you are UK or French resident of course).

Pick the school with care. We moved DS schools from one where nobody talked to us to one where the parents get beers together in the park every single day after school. DS would have been fine in both but the whole family is happier with a social life.

It is hard though, even speaking the language you just don’t have the cultural references. People chat about things like the french version of Bruce forsyth and you’re sort of standing there like a lemon!

I don’t have any regrets or things I wish I’d known though. You learn your way slowly.

Work will be in English as it an international research job si I will really have to work at it. We'll both get classes sorted asap.

Do I need to get official translations of certificates? There seem to be differences between prefectures. Is it better to do that in the UK or when we get there?

How on earth do you find that out about schools?! I was assuming he'd just go to the maternelle closest to home. But maybe not...
Fortunately Toulouse is quite international so there seem to be plenty of english kids in french schools.

We will be french resident after 3 months so will be able to get a carte vitale. But we do need to work out what to do about healthcare before that is sorted and what mutuelle to use as a top up.

There are state schools and there are private (catholic owned buildings, religious ethos, same curriculum but open to everyone) schools. Very cheap. They might be better for you but it totally depends on the school. I sent my DC to 2 different privées when we first arrived and they were great. Contact your maire but you might find better schools in different communes, as I did. Best to ask someone locally as it can be hard to find these things out via the internet.

Don't expect to just get your carte vitale after 3 months. As I said, after 4 years I was still without one. It took my DH 3 years.

I never translated any documents/certificate but we are fluent/bilingual, so maybe that makes a difference? I'd contact the British Consulate in France about it.

Push yourself to be really social. Join a fitness class, or perhaps a French course when you are there, just to meet people who aren't colleagues or your husband. I wish I'd done this sooner! I wasn't the most confident person, but forced myself to ask people to go for a coffee, or the cinema etc, just little friend dates and eventually built up important friendships.

You will be fine to get things translated when you are there, as all the necessary organisations ship internationally (e.g gov.uk officially translates and posts birth and marriage certificates) but if there are things you know you will need for sure, probably quicker to do now as this can take some time.

Get your driving license ASAP whilst it's still an 'EU' one - it's just a simple swap no exam or physical test required. Post Brexit, no idea how the rules might change.

@mardenrt14 usually when things are required they want them 'officially' done and signed either from consulate or original organisation e.g. GRO via gov.uk for birth certificate.

We only needed things for getting married, buying a house etc the big stuff