Moving to the Netherlands?

[Hattifnatt88]

Hi,
I'm a Norwegian living in England, and have been here for 8 out of the last 10 years. I'm really unhappy, I'm a single mum and my ex isn't very nice. I have a 5 year old boy, and he's incredibly easy going and easy to please.

I have been "okay" living here for a while, but I can't picture myself living here forever. I really do not want that, and with Brexit, I feel this much more strongly. We live in poverty, and because I struggle with work due to mental health, it's really difficult to deal with this.
For various reasons that I don't want to discuss, moving to Norway is not an option right now.

I guess you can say I do have experience of expat life (I have lived in London, Essex and 3 different towns in Hampshire, as well as 2 cities in Norway where I'm from). I was happy the first two years in London, but since I have spent the remaining 8 here unhappy and in poverty.

The reason I am contemplating NL is that I now have a boyfriend there. He is okay with moving to the UK to be with us, but the more I think about it, the more I would rather take the chance and go there. I obviously need to do a lot more research, and eventually find out if my son's dad would allow it (he's a bit abusive towards me - not our son, so this might be difficult). It would be a huge upheaval for both me and my son, as we'd both need to learn a new language and adapt to a new environment. I appreciate it would be a major challenge.

Please don't think I'm anti-UK or anything, I'm not, it's just that this country doesn't allow me to be happy for some reason. I have a few lovely friends that I would miss, but no real support network, and no family other than my son. The schools in our town are also kind of terrible, but we are stuck in this flat due to being on UC. With Brexit, I don't actually know if I'd still be able to claim UC after, by which point we would either be homeless or have to leave the country anyway.

I'm not in any way thinking NL is the most fantastic place in the world, but I feel it might be a better option for us now.

Please, any advice or ideas? How can I make this decision?

Hi Hattifnatt88, I'm not surprised you're feeling unhappy where you are, considering you don't like the town you live in, have to deal with abusive ex, have little money and being a single mum is tough, especially without any support network.
It sounds like you're craving a change and I totally understand.
I'm not sure if the answer lies in moving in with your boyfriend in the Netherlands. Personally I'd be wary of moving to another country just for love. It can work out great, but often you end up being dependent on someone and become quite vulnerable and yet more unhappy.
Because you feel so overwhelmed, you think you need a radical solution, but making the right choices when you're feeling like that is difficult.
I think you'd benefit from taking a break and taking care of yourself and then making small positive adjustments to your current life. When you'll feel better you'll be more certain in your choices. And by all means do your research and try stuff out

Would your material standard of living be higher if you lived with your boyfriend in the Netherlands? Living in poverty is very draining. Your son is very young and would adapt quickly to a new language/culture/country.

the netherlands are great for children, but as with everywhere without much money it's not much fun.
you need to read up on requirements to stay there, afaik benefits can not easily be obtained and working there requires a minimum of dutch language even for english speaking roles.

Thanks for the replies. It is very hard without a good support network, and whilst it helps to have my son's dad and also his grandma around, I still feel very lonely. Poverty is insanely draining too - I am in the process of starting my own business hoping to climb out of this hole I'm in, but because of my boyfriend's profession he is able to earn an alright (Well above poverty line at least) salary in NL. Living here, it would be above too, but not as comfortable. Living there, we could have a "normal" life when it comes to finances, and not have to count every penny.

With my own business (Online and in-house interior design), I will be able to work in English with English clients, so I can learn Dutch on the side at the same time. I would obviously rather not need benefits in NL, since it's really not ideal and not having paid tax there yet I feel it's unfair.

I'd love to make small changes, but I feel I have made all the changes I can, if that makes sense. I don't know what is left to try now, to feel happier here.

As an EEA citizen I should be able to just move there, shouldn't be a problem from my research. Unsure about any benefits though. A lot of planning and research is needed, I just wish I knew what decision to make, or how long to wait.

Honestly I think if your ex doesn't consent to the move I don't think this is a realistic plan. If he contested it you'd have to establish that the move would be in DS's best interests. In England, not only does your DS have an ongoing relationship with his dad, but also his extended paternal family (i.e., grandmother). You'd be asking him to give that up to move to another country where the only people he knows is his DMum's new boyfriend and his family. You would keep the same job (so not moving for better job prospects) and would be somewhat reliant on new boyfriend to support you whilst you get established in NL and learn the language. That's a lot to put on a new partner, plus the pressures and stresses of getting used to living with another person and their child.

Maybe your ex will surprise you and agree to it on the proviso that there's frequent visits back to the UK, but I would strongly suggest you have a plan B and don't pin all your hopes on this.

I'm not pinning all my hopes on this, I'm simply weighing up my options. If I never get myself out of this depressive hole I'm in (much due to feeling so crap about being in this country), then I can't be a good mum and might as well give my kid to my ex to live with.