Relationship failing abroad

[moumoute]

Hi everyone,
Not my first post here. Now it's getting serious. I feel unhappy in Sweden: haven't found good friends, miss small talks and diversity, struggle to find a job (not even a job that would match my degrees), dislike cold.
My husband and I have been fighting so much. We seem to have lost respect for each other. We have a little one who is 1 year old.
My husband thinks that I'm just an unhappy person and that it's not linked to his homeland. I think about moving to England or France everyday. Some days husband would probably follow if I find a "good" job. Most I days he says that he will never move. I can't imagine myself in Sweden longer and even worst if I am alone. We lived in England for 8 years and although it wasn't perfect I never felt like a guest, always felt like a Londoner.
We seem to be stuck and we are unhappy.
If anyone went through this living abroad and have advice for me, I'd be happy to hear from you.

I should add to this that my husband gets small freelance jobs, even work for free and doesn't find a full time job. We live in a quite small flat.

You need to move to a country where both of you speak the language and both of you can reasonably expect to get jobs commensurate with your qualifications and experience.

@MariaNovella
Agreed!!
We used to live in London and I am the one who offered to try to live in Sweden. 4 years...
Now if we were going to move back to London/near London we wouldn't get a residency permit.

Sorry you are feeling this way, moumoute. It's certainly not easy to settle in to a new country, especially if you are not working, are struggling with the language and making friends. I take it you are French? How long have you been living in Sweden for?

@gummystyle thanks.
Yes I'm French and it's been 4 years that I live in Sweden. It's definitely not a bad country, I just don't feel settled. Maybe it's harder for women to live abroad. Never felt like that in London so I probably believed it would be the same in Stockholm since people can speak English. But it's not...Not only Swedish language is important but the culture is quite peculiar, not as international as London of course..

4 years is a long time!! It's not easy being a trailing spouse and I've had friends who have been in this same situation too...sometimes spouses are not listening / understanding how difficult it is when you don't work, have no network of people around you. I guess London was easier for you both, you were on 'neutral grounds', now you are living in his home country and it can have its own issues...I don't have the magic solution to this, I am sure you have tried everything to settle in. Ultimately you BOTH need to be happy, so changes need to be made for sure.

Sweden can be rather a lonely place if you are not employed out of the house all day. Swedish women work or study and use subsidized childcare - there is little SAHM culture. It was a big culture shock when I moved to a small rural town in Sweden when I was literally the only person on my street who was at home between 8am and 4pm.

How are you getting on learning Swedish? Have you done Swedish SFI? Grundskolan/GCSE, or Gymnasiet/TISUS/A level? That is the biggest factor in getting work and integrating in Sweden.

Have you tried networking via your child? This is often how people make friends. If you are in Stockholm there are many different playgroups etc including the English speaking, International playgroup.

You might want to consider whether it is worth taking a step backwards careerwise just to get a foot in the door. Others take advantage of doing a free degree or Masters in a Swedish university to increase their career prospects as many degrees include workplace placements.

If you and your husband are locked in conflict then it might be worth seeking relationship, family counselling (familjrådgivning) via your local authority.

Have you looked into getting some french friends? I know there is a French School in Stora Essingen and probably others too these days. I know integration is important but sometimes it can be really nice to just relax, talk your language and moan a bit about the country you live in.

@lunde @yokohamjojo @gummysmile thanks for your messages. I can only do freelance work and I have studied for many years so I won't go back to school. I have a Masters degree.I have met a few people that I can call friends and they are all foreigners.

@lunde do you known if the family therapy free?

My biggest problem is that I didn't fall in love with Sweden/Stockholm and it's probably because I don't like the interaction (or the lack of interaction) with locals which I find to superficial. I know that Stockholm is a good place for my kid but I feel like I will always hope for a move which is not healthy.

I have started learning the language but the encounters and the shallowness stopped me to keep learning.

What nationality is your husband?