Condolences in the UK

[Acopyofacopy]

I am from overseas living in the UK and in need of some quick condolences related help!

We are going to be at a big family gathering tomorrow. A cousin who I don’t know very well has just lost somebody very important to them and I am slightly terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Can I just say “condolences” and shake their hand? Do I need to say more than that? Do I have to hug (I am not very huggy)?

Thanks for any help and Merry Christmas!

Definitely acknowledge the loss. in Ireland it would be “I’m sorry for your loss”. I’m sure there’s a UK equivalent.

Condolences sounds a little cold perhaps. Just tell them that you've been thinking of them and name of person they lost and wanted to say how sorry you were for their loss.

There isn't anything you can say wrong that is worse than someone having died. Just be yourself.

I would say I was very sorry to hear about X.

Thank you!
Conventions around death are so different, and it makes me so uncomfortable to operate in the dark when my “normal” might be totally inappropriate and rude.

How recent? People said things like that to me and I started describiing what he looked like when I viewed him for the last time. I was quite odd for a while. I still am sometimes. Be prepared for more of a response than you'd expect if it was very recent.

It is simply the worst time to be foreign isnt it?

I would say something like:
“Bill, I was so sorry to hear that Mary passed away.”

And if you had met Mary say something nice about them like
“Mary seemed such a kind person when I met her”

Whether a handshake, hug or anything else would be appropriate would depend on your genders, ages and family norms.

Just say simething, like that suggested above (skirt for your loss, sorry to hear about xxxxx) and shake hands, touch their arm, swift hug, whatever.
It’s saying and doing nothing that really hurts people. It’s like their grief is not significant.
I’m sure you’ll be fine.

*Sorry not skirt! Ffs autocorrect!

If you don't like to hug, then don't.
I wouldn't say 'condolences' - it is a bit 'formal' and not something people tend to say.
Like the first poster, "I'm sorry for your loss" is god, or, even better is rexpat's "I was sorry to hear about X", naming them. It is much more personal, and seems more heartfelt somehow. Or even, "sorry to hear your news".

Just one more clarification: “I was sorry to hear about Mary” or “I was sorry to hear about Mary’s death”?

Honestly, I am usually a fully functioning adult! redexpat is right, though. This is the worst time to be an expat.

I would say "I was so sorry to hear about Mary" rather than add the word death to the end of that sentence.

Thanks, oh, I feel prepared now!

What would your normal be? We can let you know if that is comfortable here.

I wouldn’t say “death” as it is a bit in your face but “that Mary has died” or “had passed away” would be fine. Or omitting it would be ok in the context and just “I was sorry to hear about Mary”.

I would use the person’s name though. It sounds very impersonal without it.