anyone else lost a lot of friends back home?

[Hisaishi]

I've been abroad for 10 years now, first in Korea, now in Singapore.

I realised last night that when I go back to visit, there's almost no one there for me to see. I've lost contact with so many people - in the beginning, there were the promises to visit, the text messages, emails etc...now? Almost nothing.

I'm not blaming anyone, people are busy, I don't expect anyone to put their life on hold for me, but it makes me feel sad. We're due to move back next year, and I just feel sad that there is no one really to swap stories with about what we've been up to.

Is it normal? Or have I not made enough effort?

I think it's extremely difficult to maintain close friendships for a decade over thousands of miles and an eight hour time difference unless you see them in person at least once a year and even then...... I also think that promises to visit are just what people say - they don't actually think through the reality of spending their two week holiday visiting somewhere that isn't on their "list" and I don't blame them.

I find when I catch up with my friends over the summer there's often "too much and not enough to say" at the same time (you end up summarising important things that would have played out over a number of months before) and your different experiences can create areas of conflict that didn't exist before, plus now there are kids, husbands etc which all affect the dynamic. There's also the possibility that you would have lost touch anyway- when I lived in the UK almost all my friends were living in London and we saw each other all the time. Now barely anyone's still in London. Their lives have changed and they've made new friends through having kids, new jobs, hobbies etc.

But, big but, that doesn't mean they won't be happy to hear from you when you've moved back, especially if you'll be local to them

What Jonny said.

I definitely don't blame people for not coming to visit, I get it.

And yes 'too much and not enough to say' - that's a good summation.

It sucks though. I know tons of people who HAVE managed to keep in touch with people but at the same time have friends here. Not sure how they do it tbh!

Hi Hisaishi - I've been in Japan for the past 27 years (ever since leaving uni, so I have basically spent most of my adult life here), and have actually managed to keep/get back in touch with a few people that are important to me.

Facebook has been great - of course it wasn't around 27 years ago, so it has helped me get BACK in touch with old school friends for example. And I will go and see them when I go back once every two or three years. FB keeps things ticking over in the meantime.

Some uni friends on the same course are also living over here so that helps.

Although, I remember talking to one friend back in the UK about this very matter, and she said that everyone loses touch to some extent, and even in the same country, it takes quite a lot of effort.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say, is that maybe you can look to resume contact with people when you move back.

What's hard for me is that so much of my life is so different to theirs. It would be if we were home but at least they would have been around for the hard slog and sleepless nights to know it's not the glamorous life people think it is.

I'm still very good friends with my core group but it does help that I'm home every 3-4 weeks because my father is sick. Its my silver lining to a very dark cloud.

One thing I've seen is just how much harder life financially is back home for most people, my friends included. When I'm home I take them out in the evening and pay for it. Yes it's not cheap but they are my friends and I'm lucky we can afford it. Our Dc are mainly primary school age so I book a birthday party package for the zoo which includes admission for the full day. A couple of my friends have shared how hard it is for them financially. They can't afford to work and they can't afford not to. They are basically paying to keep their job until their DC start school. I have a couple of friends with professional jobs who earn well for the NW but childcare kills them and they sometimes don't eat so there is enough for their DC.

I think true friendships last forever. I always see my friends when I go back home (not the UK though) and it is like we have never stopped seeing each other. Other people come and go, you loose contact, they are not interested, they are not real friends in my opinion.

I also think many people in the UK/London in particular are always busy, tired, have other commitments; you need to book them 3 to 6 months in advance or they just can't bother. It is a bit sad really.

You need to decide who your real friends are and stick to those ones. People who never make an effort are not worthy in my opinion.

I think that it's a mixture of a few things:

A- apathy, they can't be bothered as you are out of their week to week life

B- ignorance; they may not have moved and do not know what it is like to feel isolated or lonely in a foreign culture/ land

C- exhaustion; UK life has little to no Work- life balance. It is very work focused and so people have little down time to invest in their lives.

D- finances; it requires money to send cards/ packages/ emails etc, after time it requires effort which brings them back to point A.

I do feel your pain though OP.