How to continue my career as a trailing spouse?

[Winterinthesun]

It's been 7 months since we moved to NY, I've finally gotten my EAD work permit and can now look for a job but I don't know where to start. I worked in a niche role in the charity sector in London, a sector which is huge in NY but I can't figure out how to break into here. I feel I gave up my life and career for DH to have this opportunity to work here but I can't figure out how to pick up my life again here. I've been told the only way to get a job is by personal connections, I've never gotten a job in London like that, and personal connections take time to build up and where do you even start?. I feel lost and down and I would appreciate any advice from others who have had to start over again. No DCs, we will start TTC next year which again makes me annoyed we are living here in the land of no maternity provisions and then I think, why did I move here again? I keep going in circles and its not good since I then get down again, I'm not unhappy here, I just don't know how to build MY life again. DH is fine, at work, doing well etc.

I've been volunteering with an animal shelter as that's as the only volunteering I was allowed to do by the company lawyers. I like it but it's far from what I did.

The other US v U.K. thread is a mix of too depressing to read and most experiences seem so far away from what I'm experiencing that it feels like I'm in different country. I don't even know where to turn to express these thoughts, other "trailing spouses" (hate the term but it's useful as a description) that I know personally either moved with their companies or had kids and decided not to work or found it easy to get a job as their work was more general (ie admin assistant or exec PA type things). I fit into none of the boxes, and am really struggling with being at home. I loved my job but the whole market/industry is so different I don't know where to start looking. Sorry this a jumble of thoughts, it's been a rough few days.

TLDR: how do you start over again when you don't know anyone and without emotionally crashing all the time?

I've made a similar move to you - London to DC, pre-kids, and I was a lobbyist. It took me over a year to find paid work, and I had to spend 7 months as the oldest intern in the office. It was weird. But I accepted starting again. You need to think about what you're prepared to do vs. what you're prepared to accept. Maybe this is all too high a price to pay, and you need to come back to the UK?

After the move, and the kids, and retraining and another move, I'm now 43, facing another move in six months and I'm starting AGAIN from the beginning. I could cry. Don't stay in NY unless you're sure you're OK with your career coming second. I'm OK now. A career isn't everything. But I'm sad thing about the effort I'll have to put in after we move again, and how I'll never be in the position I could have been in...

Definitely approach them, if only for volunteering.

I also live overseas (not the US) and it's exactly what I did - contacted an NGO I was interested in and had researched and pitched myself as a volunteer including how I thought my skills could help where they had gaps. I did 6 months volunteering then got offered a paid position.

I am also in the Charity sector , we have received amounts from US. Have you thought about contacting CAF America , they specialise in cross border giving . I know their HQ is not in NY but they may be able to give you some useful pointers etc

This is what informational interviews are for. Americans seem obsessed with them.

Reach out to people in the sort of positions you would want or one layer above. Ask for a short chat over coffee. You’re basically asking for advice on how to break into the American side of your sector and giving a bit of background on you. Sometimes these lead to contacts and actual jobs, but if not you should get some good starting points. There’s lots of advice on them online (I like ask a manager).

It does feel a bit weird at first, very unnatural for us Brits. Good luck.

Janetlovesjason makes sense. In your position I would literally cold contact people I’d like to meet / work for. If possible Shamelessly blag a linked in intro. If you know anyone in the U.K. who would know people in the us - colleagues present or former, students together, family, try them. Cold call linked in email- 1 para on your experience , you’ve moved to ny and would like to seek similar but don’t know the industry or people. You’d be very grateful if you could buy them ancoffee and pick their brains on the industry over here.
It sounds hard but what is the worst that could happen?

You sound low.

If you don’t want to give up your career, you’ll need to build resilience and work for it! Eg do the stuff PPs suggest, try stuff out. Setting aside your feelings about your career to date and move.

In the first instance, if you want paid work, you may need to be flexible on what you do - or volunteer, to build contacts/CV.

If being a “trailling spouse” really isn’t for you, you might want to consider changing course.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I can't tell you how much it helped. I needed a few days to regroup my thoughts and absorb everything that was said and reset my mindset.

I was having a very low day when I wrote my post, I'd met someone who after 3 years hadn't manage to find a job in her industry and she basically gave up. It scared me. But after the weekend I feel much much better. I joined alumni groups on Facebook and I've started making a list of people I'd like to reach out to. I'm still figuring out what to say but it's a start.

I accepted my career coming second and I'm not giving up my marriage and going back to the U.K. as there is nothing there for me now, my old post was filled before I even left. After our move here I often feel overwhelmed with lots of small things which back home I would brush off. This is our first married international move and I underestimated how emotional I would be at home while he goes to work.

But today I was invited to a phone interview which goes to show you need to keep going.

It absolutely sucks being the one left adrift while your other half is off meeting people and learning new things. It gets easier with time, as you adapt to the new place and the way they do things, but it isn't easy for anyone. Well done for not giving up - and congratulations on the phone interview! Keeping my fingers crossed that this is the start of something really exciting for you!

You do sound happier - I hope you get a lead on work soon!

Please PM me. I'm in the NY area and I can def look at pointing you in the right direction and possibly know some people innthe sector who can help you.

Def look at what NYU has available. They pay well, have amazing benefits including 90% tuition paid for you, your spouse and your DC. More importantly they have flexible working. You need that with young DC. Yes it isn't charity work but it is work which is very rewarding.

You must find some people to practice interview technique with. The usual Brit code doesn’t work and US employers require a much more direct stating of abilities than we are used to.

Don’t give up, what you’re doing is really hard, but it gets better. Good luck!