DF at the end of the road with cancer. When to fly back.

[cheeseismydownfall]

Very sadly my DF has gone down hill rapidly after being diagnosed five years ago, and it seems likely he will be going into hospice care in the next week.

We have three children under 10. We could travel back now and see him (assuming he is up to it - he may not be) or we could travel for the funeral. I will do both but we can't take the children twice. Has anyone been in this situation and what choices did you make?

I've read this back and it sounds horribly clinical. But we will need to make a decision soon and I'm trying to hold it together.

It doesn’t sound clinical at all, just realistic. I think it would depend on what kind of relationship the children have with him. I think if they aren’t close I would bring them for the funeral only. It can be distressing seeing someone so ill. So I think I would only take them to the hospice if they are very close to him and you think it will mean something to them to see him again.
You’ll probably struggle with either decision, so try to be kind to yourself. I hope he doesn’t suffer too much. In my experience hospices are brilliant, and so much better than hospitals for people to spend their last days.

What does your df want? Is he with it enough to want to see his grandchildren again?

Tbh funerals are for the survivors rather than the dead, I'd always prioritise seeing someone while they are still here!

How old are the DC? Ours were 5 & 3 and, at FIL's wish, we didn't take the DC to visit him at this stage. MIL's choice was that they didn't go to the funeral either which I was relieved about as they wouldn't have known anyone there other than MIL, DH and BIL and I so my main role would have been looking after the DC rather than supporting them.

See him while he's alive. You won't get that chance again.

This happened to me in 2017, DF was at the end of the road in Jan, and he passed away 1st march.
I was in Asia (a 24 hour door to door journey)
It was further complicated by MIL also passing away in January.

I would take them to see him, IF he is still able to recognise them, talk to them etc. My dad was mostly asleep for his last three weeks or so, and his periods of being awake and coherent were not very predictable.

It was a very rough few months and being away was so hard. My heart goes out to you