How do you survive the first few months?

[Stayoutoftheforest]

A few weeks ago I packed my suitcases and moved to live with my husband in his home country. I’m starting to think it was a bad idea, he found a job here before we moved and is having a great time working, reconnecting with old friends he lost touch with while in the UK, seeing his family etc. Mean while I am at home going stir crazy endlessly scrolling job websites hoping to find something I’m qualified for that will also sponsor a visa for me. I’m starting to think work will never be found and that if I stay here I’ll be condemned to endless days of waiting around at home for him to get back from work.
Some advice would be helpful, how do I meet people without a job? Although his friends have been welcoming I would like my own network of people to do things with rather than being the tag along wife. And how do I fill the long days while he’s at work?
We have no children which seem to be the focus of other trailing spouse so I’m at a loss. I tried an expat meet up but it was full of business men and the odd woman who were here on short contracts and just wanted to talk office life. I left it more depressed than when I’d arrived.
Currently the highlight of my day is the two hours between the house girl leaving and him returning home when I can cry in peace

Are you willing to say what country you are in? It makes giving advice easier.

Could you get a visa as a spouse rather than through a job?

Would you be able to volunteer somewhere?

I’d rather not say exactly but it’s an African country, sadly I’m not eligible for a spousal visa that would allow me to work only one that allows me to stay as my husbands dependant. I have looked at volunteering but the rules here also mean a work visa is needed even for voluntary work however I may try and find out if this is particularly enforced as it’d be a good way to meet people

It's such early days - I'd use your husband's network to see if anyone has a friend/wife/sister/mum etc who'd be willing to show you around or take a walk together and see what happens.
Are there courses to learn the local language, or even another language entirely, whilst you have the time? Or you could offer to do a language exchange with someone.
Also it'd be a good time to get involved in a sport/fitness. Or lots of online yoga. Learn some local cooking? Do some photography, write a blog/journal. Take up painting or pottery? Can you go to school or get some type of qualification without a visa? Take a first aid course? Volunteer firefighting?

This gets said a lot on here, but if you are planning children in your future, please be very aware of The Hague Convention before you make decisions.

If you’re not happy where you are, then have kids and want to go back to the UK, your husband can prevent that. Worse still, he can prevent you children leaving but you may not be able to get a visa to stay yourself.

If you know all this and are happy staying, then keep on pushing at the work visa. Personally, if I couldn’t work, I wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t cope with being that dependent on my DH.

Sorry to not be more positive and good luck. It’s a lonely first few months —2 years— even if you have work, but it does get easier.

What's the weather like? Can you explore the local area, discovering where to start looking for things, where has cheap stuff, where has decent stuff.

I'd take up the offers from his friends to go out and do things. You will meet other people through them, and they may form your friendship group.

Any libraries, community centres, village hubs, Facebook groups that might be places to find info about events and opportunities?

Any try and find a hobby. Reading, cooking, craft, sewing, languages. You need something yo fill you'd days.

Hope it gets better. It will rake time, and may get worse before it gets better tho.

Thanks for the replies I’ve managed to get out the house the last few days and am feeling a little better. I think I will look into some sports/crafts clubs as a way to fill my days and maybe see if the local shelter would like some help dog walking. Thank you for the advice re children I didn’t actually know exactly how that works. Children are however not planned in the near future and I have zero intention of having any until I’m content in the country without. The hatred of being dependant is what’s getting me down I can’t bare swanning off to do nice things knowing dp is at work and I have no income of my own etc. Me working was very much part of the deal of coming here and I made it clear before arrival if work can’t be found then I will be returning to the UK whether he wants to come with me or not. Hopefully it won’t come to that

Sounds like you have a very sensible plan. Six months is supposed to be the peak of finding things hard, although if you are in limbo waiting to find work I imagine that could end up stretching out a bit longer.

I found changing the amount of time I was there for in my head helpful from a psychological perspective. So instead of viewing it as a depressing permanent move that was getting worse (which it was!), it was a 2 year adventure to make the most of and I would only stay on after that if it was working. Bizarrely it made all the difference.

Good luck!

Hi OP. I was in exactly your position a few years ago. I had declined a great job opportunity in the UK to come to be with DH. I struggled to find work, and the jobs that I was offered were too low paid (it would cost more to get to work than I would earn). I stuck it out and I am now happily married and love it here. I started off socialising with my DPs friends and partners but I also have my own friends now. I will PM you the country I am in in case it is the same one! There is an excellent suggestion above about viewing it as a 2 year adventure.

The suggestion about viewing it as a two year adventure is a good one. I think that will help a lot. The sun is shining today so I’m reminding myself that I should make the most of the beautiful weather. We are also going to try and get out the city this weekend I’m hoping spotting some wildlife will cheer me up

Hi, I just moved to a new country six weeks ago - I feel your pain! But at least I speak the same language.

Firstly, I find the days I keep busy, even if it's doing the housework, go faster, and I'm happier on them. (Okay, it's getting a bit mental, I'm cleaning the oven weekly).

Getting out and going for a good long walk, exploring the area, just going and doing the groceries, finding a nice cafe to have a coffee, where I can get my favourite wines, that helps. Also, starting little rituals and traditions, like Friday night drinkies and takeout.

The work visa thing is a ruddy great pain, isn't it. Especially since you can't even volunteer! But if there is a way past it - dog walking, or calling in on a person who can't get out - that could be really good.

I also totally agree about finding hobbies. I'm getting into cooking (I'm not sure the family feel this is entirely successful, but they suffer supportively in silence if they're not always loving the outcomes), and also decoupage. Oh, and turning into a raving Christmas nutter.

I've got to be careful how I think about home - we're not going home for at least two years, for a visit, because we're here for at least 6 years, if not permanently, and I'm terribly homesick. But I do find myself planning a cool holiday trip for when we do go back. . .

Good thread with good suggestions, thank you all PP. I'm currently in the weeping stage too and thought I was getting depression again but perhaps it's just normal human behaviour!

Just an update for those on the same boat, I have found some work who are willing to sponsor a visa, the process will take a while but I am now 100X happier knowing the days aren’t going to be endless. Struggling on the friends front but I’m dwelling on that less now I know things are moving forward. Hoping with time I will miss home less.

Oh, that is fantastic news stayoutoftheforest! Work should help on the friends front, if this comes through. . . it's day by day, isn't it? If you have more good days than bad days of a week, I count it as a win. . . Are you sorted for Christmas? Got some things to look forward to, to make the homesickness less?

Great news, @Stayoutoftheforest , thank you for the update.

Meanwhile, it may be a cliche, but meanwhile, do not turn down any invitation, as you never know what friendships of networks it might lead to. And bonus point for anecdotes which will come in handy for your autobiography. Enjoy.

I’m definitely having more good days than bad now, we’re headed back to my home country for Christmas as we’ve actually spent the last few Christmas’s here visiting his family so that was always the plan. Looking forward to catching up with people and then I start working when I return so hopefully I’ll be to busy to get homesick!