How to decide whether to stay or go?

[Saltedcaramellavacake]

Hi,
I’ve lived outside my birth country for 20 years, almost my whole adult life but have lived in only two places. Our current home has been home for 6 years and is somewhere where our life is great but where we are not connected (neither my husband or I are from here, no extended family here etc). We are very fortunate to be on a long term, open ended expat package (of course, we could get sacked, or lose a visa and that would come quickly crashing down and that insecurity plays on my mind).
My imaginings of the life I would give our children was a family home like the ones I remember from
childhood (not my own, actually, but the happy fairytale sort), with a school where they would know the kids through high school and into university, not face lots of changes as people come and go and then all fly in different directions for university.
We could choose to go back to where we came from, but our jobs are local and there is no right of return to another office in another country. We would need to start again and the financial side of things would never be as good as here.
I go from thinking I should give the kids school and life in a place to which we belong and where we would put down long term roots vs staying abroad with all the benefits of travel and culture and an amazing school can provide.
I feel like I have gone round and round in circles with this on a semi-regular basis and it has become more intense as our oldest nears high school years. I feel the choice is now binary - stay til he finishes or go before he starts.
How have other people made the decision to stay or go? Just for full disclosure, putting down long term roots here is not really possible because of immigration restrictions. Even if my husband and I did the children would have to do so in their own right at 18/21 so it is unlikely to be a forever home for all of us.
Feel free to challenge all my preconceived ideas about stability and “home” and binary choices. I’d be very happy to be told I’m thinking about this all wrong!

Seems like you’re wanting this solely for your kids, but remember they will be 21st century teenagers who you will be parenting wherever you go, and their friends will be Instagram friends. By then, their safety will be high on your priorities and your current safe haven may seem pretty attractive after all. Back “home” it will not be idyllic street parties with tea, fetes and homely, rosey gardens; it may be violent with drugs rife and lots of incivility. You will be mothering teenagers! behind their screens!

Besides, you may have many years of tertiary education to finance for your beloved offspring, so maybe the best “gift” you can give them is not the precarity of giving up your current niche, but squirrelling away a fund over these years, for each for their tertiary education.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush...

You are right that if you have been lucky enough to find this long-term expat vibe, then it is binary bar an emergency. Either now or after 18. But if you have more than one child, their will never be that perfect 11+ or 18 after IB situation, because they will be at different stages. One may be off at uni wherever and you have younger ones at important stage of their education.

Personally, I would stay but you can still:

• concretely do the job and school applications, and work out an Excel post tax total income, so you really know how much you would lose (per year, times the number of years)

• keep in mind that kids go to Uni or to live all over now, so you’ve no guarantee of local there, whereas if you are sociable keeping genuine friendships around the world is perfectly doable now for this 21st cen generation

Oh, I’ve just realised that “home” for you may not be the Americas or Europe, but NZ or Aus. In that case, yes go for it, amazing place for teenagers : beaches, so cool, and suddenly your explanation of people staying in same zone for uni made sense. Whatever you decide, you should open some champagne to celebrate the success you have made of this posting to your current place, 6 years, excellent school etc. that’s so fine.

Returning from abroad to the uk can be a problem for anyone if it is to a place where no one else has been an expat as they do not understand what it is like. My best friend at Uni had parents who had taken her abroad fpr most of her life and it took her over a year to reintegrate again. If you return to a place with extensive family then it is easier.