How do you deal with family who want you to move back?

[TheKitchenWitch]

And are really, really upset when you have to leave after a visit, almost to the point that you sort of wish you hadn't gone at all?

I'm not going to move back. I've been gone for 22 years. I have a life and family here, I love living here, and England doesn't even feel like home any more. And even if by some miracle I did move back, I wouldn't be moving to the area where my dsis lives as I'd want to live somewhere else! But I can't say that, she gets hugely upset every time and talk about how wonderful it would be and how we don't have anyone any more (both dp are dead, no other relatives at all). She does have her own family, though, and loads of friends, and as far as I can tell a happy life. So why the guilt every time? And what can i do about it?

Have you told her that she upsets you?

I’d take it as her way of saying “it was great to see you”, that’s what I did in a similar situation. It bothered me when in front of the children as I thought it’d make them feel bad.

We had the same situation, and to be honest it contributed to our decision to move back home. I sympathize, the guilt is horrible, and even if you don't feel particularly guilty (because you haven't done anything wrong!), the situation is still horrible. We didn't move abroad to hurt anyone, and you didn't either.

We have been away 17 years and hoping to come back in the next few years (for multiple reasons).
Something that has helped us was really sitting down with the guilt-monger and telling them how much their behavior upset us. She hadn't realized - she thought she was just showing love. I also talked about how living abroad was hard for us too. She had always said 'you're just off out there, living the life of riley, not giving a toss about anyone back home...' and she really didn't know that t wasn't like that, that we struggle often with living abroad, that although things are great here, it isn't easy all the time.
So, our situations are different but I think the only thing I can recommend is having a serious talk about it (not at the end of a visit!) and listening to all her concerns and looking for misconceptions that you can correct. Other than that, sorry to say, but she's an adult, she's got a good life (so it seems) so you can't be responsible for her feelings. It isn't your fault she feels that way.

Excellent post, Larger.

When my DH died two years ago, I was amazed, and my hackles rose at the seemingly automatic: "so are you going back to the UK, then?" Not a question that had ever been asked when he was alive.

I think it's just stuff people say without thinking about it very hard. Interestingly, no-one in the UK said it, only Australian friends.

By the way, the answer is no. This where I live, for better or worse.

I'm sorry for your loss, echt. I don't think I would move to the UK in that situation though either. It would be like giving up my actual life and having to start everything over.

Larger you do make sense, but I honestly can't imagine having that conversation. I can only see that it would be very upsetting and end up with me having to defend my life decisions and the fact that actually I'm very happy here indeed.