Talk to be about being an expat - the good the bad and the ugly

[needtomovesomewherewarmer]

DH has been asked by his company to go to Tokyo for a 2 year project. We have 3 children 6, 4 and 2. Life at home is settled dd (4) about to start reception. School is in a small village - 15 per year intake so huge contrast to urban living and international schools.

Job is great opportunity for DH and is likely to have good long term benefits. Financially we are doing ok but are stretched and have a necessary house build ahead of us if we stayed.

We live in a lovely rural area have a good network of families with children the same age who we see regularly. My mum is close by and helps out with childcare regularly.

So we have this decision to make. I've spent 4 weeks travelling Japan 7 years ago. Loved it. Have always had a strange affiliation to all things Japanese, since being at uni.

I thought this opportunity would provide a chance for us to get some savings behind us, for me to have more quality time with the children (after school and holidays) and experience urban living and expose children to such diversity.

I like to have friends especially where we can spend time together as families but I'm also a bit of a loner so happy in my own company. However, the one thing that I really hate about life around me here in the UK is the never ending 'keeping up with the jones' - whose got what house, car, activities, outings, depicting that ever so perfect life. Just watching it around me makes me dizzy and I long for a slower paced family life. (The irony that I’m proposing urban living in Tokyo is not lost on me!)

I stumbled upon the thread on here about struggling by being an expat and it’s got me thinking. I never even considered that the competitive nature might get even worse as an expat. Or that there would be such a strong consistent experience of loneliness being an expat.

So expats, tell me about the good and the bad ? Do you think trying to live outside an expat community / local schooling would be better? I don't speak any language other than English. I've considered homeschooling here in the U.K. so would consider that, but thought that would just heighten isolation.

I would really appreciate any honest comments both good and bad. We are not yet committed but need to make a decision once an package offer is put together.

It’s such a big decision.

Another vote for international schools here. They were often looked down upon by other UK families whose DCs were mostly sent 'home'. The values you pick up, from knowing that people are a mixture of the same & different is really really useful

People will be friendly, much more likely to extend invitations to social events, exactly because you are mostly all away from usual networks

My mother used to cope by saying that 'the first year doesn't count' in evaluating whether you are enjoying. Treat it all as an adventure...

One more point , do not underestimate the reverse culture shock you will experience when (if) you return. You will have changed, but so will some people/things. Don't be surprised, treat it as another adventure

Enjoy.

Finally Here that's a great post! Having the reverse culture shock now and trying not to just spend the next few years here in the UK waiting to go abroad again...

@farangatang 😀

Is 'home' where you go to, or where you come from

Neither! Originally I’m from another part of the world altogether. Home is where my immediate family are and so where we live is pretty open to choice 😊

When you come back to the UK nobody understands what it is like to live overseas (unless they have done it themselves)

Go!!!! What an opportunity! The kids are at a very adaptable age and it sounds like you are independent enough to crack on!

One thing I would say is be prepared to be keeping up with the Jones’ there too. Expats often —brag— share info about salaries and packages and you’ll likely meet some people throwing very hefty numbers about. Of course, you don’t have to engage with that kind of thing but just be aware that it’s likely to exist.

That being said, you will meet a wide range of interesting people with fascinating situations and stories, whilst building your own at the same time!

Keep us posted!

I just wanted to pop back in and say a massive thank you for all these replies. I was on holiday during August so came back to some of the last posts. All hugely helpful. We are hoping to find out next week if the project has the green light, and then to get the package details but it looks like it’s certain to all be approved. All your advice has been so helpful in aiding us getting to a point were we see what an maxing opportunity this could be.

Hopefully I’ll be back as we have more specific Tokyo questions

The biggest con is a lack of belonging/a home. DH and I are a different nationality to our kids and then are raising them in a third country. I'm concerned they won't have a strong national identity when they grow up and what (if any) effect that will have. Also, the risk that they'll keep wandering (as we have!) and my children will be spread all over the world. Would be both wonderful and awful! Also of course the kids missing their grandparents and wider family and friends - I feel that is a huge thing to give up.

I'm a third culture kid and don't have a particularly strong national identity. I have parents from different sides of the world and have lived 'overseas' (as in, neither the country in which my parents live or the country in which I was born and raised). I don't know how much it's affected me really, and I don't know how my parents felt when I moved overseas, although I've subsequently moved back. I certainly don't really feel like I have a home, but the flip side of that is I'm pretty open to adventures and giving somewhere else a try. I do sometimes envy the people I know who have strong roots, were born and raised and now work in one place but I find it very claustrophobic at the same time. Basically I'm a mess of contradictions!

I had an amazing childhood and wouldn't change it for the world. I have a different perspective than most of my friends who were born and raised in one country, have been exposed to so much in the way of different cultures, both in my birth country and via the people we met along the way/my friends at international school.

OP, I know you've updated this thread since the post I quoted and that your situation might not be the same in that your kids are UK born and you're not planning on being there for long (though my parents went for 2 years and stayed for 16) but I'd go for it. Tokyo would be a great posting, Asia is amazing.