Run out of reasons for wanting to go home.

[discombobulatednibblesnarf]

Been here for over 8 years now. Want to go home. Have wanted to go home for the majority of that time. Kept going, thinking things will get better. Dh wants to stay as his job is safer here, as I'm a sahm I completely agree that makes sense. He is also worried about Brexit and whether him not being British will affect him(us) moving back. We have lived there a long time ago and he has a NI number.
We have a lovely house here, kids are in a school they like. We have, by all accounts, a great life.
All the reasons for me not wanting to be here I have managed to suppress, ignore or justify over the years.
At the end of the day, I just want to go home. I want to do day to day things in a language I 'completely ' understand. I want to 'just get ' the social nuances of home and not constantly thinking 'WTF' !!!
I could go on and on by at the end of the (very very long) day I'm tired of trying to be happy here.
I have just come back from a trip home and have hit rock bottom, which usually happens after a visit, but this time I am so tired. I want to cry and scream....
Just needing a vent really, I'll be fine after a cup of tea

It must be so tough for you. Sorry obviously I don’t have an answer (other than move home) but

I would leave tomorrow if I could. If it was only my needs, but dh is reluctant and the children are ok here.
I know if we moved it would be an upheaval initially, financially uncertain, huge readjustent but we would have a good life back in the UK.
I actually am full of self doubt now too, in my heart I know moving would be the right decision for everyone, but practically it makes less sense.
So another year will pass........

I was exactly the same as you, we had 9 years overseas and I wanted to move back to the UK for elderly parents and to be near family. DH is from another country (non EU) and although we had lived in the UK together 9 years ago and he has NI number etc his leave to remain had long expired. I had to sponsor him for his UK spousal visa last summer, because I wasn't working overseas we had to do this via proof of savings (you need minimum of £64,000 savings), and once we moved back he hasn't been able to find a job in the UK as yet....life has been much more difficult than expected, we are living very frugally on my small wage. DH couldn't apply for jobs prior to leaving overseas, as without his visa (which is only activated the day you arrive in the UK) he wasn't eligible to work...we just had to take the leap and there are many times I think we perhaps should have stayed put!

I am so sorry to hear things are not going to plan Cornflake. You are sadly living our worst case senario. The senario that you probably convinced yourself would never happen either.
Dh has a job that he would keep as he travels a lot his base is not super important. His fear is of losing that job and having to find another in the UK. I am also a non-earner which complicates things like you.
Schooling also terrifies me, what if we don't get into a good one.
When I start talking myself through all the things that would change, I panic that all our worst case scenario will come true which makes me slam the brakes on.
I know the gamble is huge.

Oh OP, I can totally relate. Being longterm homesick is utterly shit.

I have lived abroad in DH's country for over 20 years. I do speak the language fluently and have a stable and reasonably-paid job. Our children were born here, are happy and settled in good schools and speak English adequately but certainly not fluently.

As you said, from the outside we have a good life, but I have had enough here and would go home in a heartbeat for all the reasons you mention.

At times it really gets me down as I am the only one who feels that way. There is no way DH would move to the UK. He never has done, doesn't speak the languague well enough, his job wouldn't export well and he's too high up (and old) for retraining and starting from zero. The main thing is he just would never want to. Or perhaps when we retire 🙁

So..... I'm pretty much stuck here.

Counting your blessings sounds trite, but it's what I try to do. Big girl pants and cold hard realism help too.

Your situation doesn't sound as desperate and definitive though. Could you perhaps make a 3 or 5 year plan? Retraining for you, if necessary, and perhaps some relevant recent work experience where you now live which would make job hunting easier back home?

Could you look into obtaining citizenship for your DH to get round the Brexit risk?

Hope the cuppa has made you feel a bit better. I find binge watching British comedy helps too 😊

Lots of 💐💐💐 for you

I feel for you OP. I lived OS in my DH's country for six years. I liked it well enough and actually when it came to it, it was him pushing to move back here, as that was always our plan. Moving back was hard. He had no job to go. We lived in a holiday let for two months while our furniture shipped. We then lived in a grotty rental place for four years while we found somewhere better to live. However, nine years on it was definitely the right thing for us to do and I cannot imagine us still living there. We'd be completely entrenched in that life now and every passing year makes it harder to leave.

TBH, with your situation, I don't really get your DH's objections. He has a job that he won't have to quit if you move, so what is the problem? I could understand his reticence if he had to find a new one here with no contacts, but that's not the case. It sounds like he's stalling and throwing up roadblocks where there aren't any. Does he understand how bloody miserable you are? Any decent man would not want his wife to be so unhappy. You've done your stint in his country, does he not feel that it's his turn to move to yours????

MrsDarcyIwish please don't take this personally, but I so do not want to be you in the future.... It fills me with sadness, fear, resentment that I will be here forever. I know that the longer we are here the harder it is going to be to move at all. I'm in panic mode now. I have already decided that he minute the kids are through school I/We are out of here. That makes me sad as the children will not be able to return home as we won't be there.
juneau Dh knows how miserable I am, well I have cried, screamed and talked about it for long enough. I know he wants me to be happy, just to BE happy here. If only it was that simple.. I am the one who is throwing out mixed signals too though. I always back down because at the end of the day it's me who will have to take all the flack if the move doesn't work out. I am a coward.
I am sad that the children only know the real me when we go back to the Uk and I am me. The energy it takes to just be here, never mind be happy here is draining.
The things I can stand here are all the things I can't do anything about. It's the place itself, which I cannot change.

I've returned to UK after 12 years away. it was ok for a few hot minutes. The people I assumed were my bestest of friends who i duely visited on many leaves i saw a couple of times in the first 2 months and then, a year on I realised those people I saw once a year for the majority were really ok with that. I found the UK very very cold hearted. People do not reach out, or say hello, they look at the floor when you walk past, embarrassed fi you say hello. It's so dark that winter depression SAD is real for 8 months. 8 Months of shit depressed people that get pissed to cope and then talk about telly. This is your england. Talk about Love island and dancing celebrities. I will leave in under 18 months, not fast enough. The grass is always greener. Life in the UK for kids is awful. Cooped up n houses, paranoid about peodophiles, over run with material goods they leave on the floor. Totally ungrateful......

Mountainsoutofmolehills That is one of the things I miss about he UK, the friendliness of the people.
People do not reach out, or say hello, they look at the floor when you walk past, embarrassed fi you say hello is what I'm trying to get away from here.
I'm sorry you are so unhappy, I'm sorry for anyone, anywhere who is unhappy

OP, no offence taken 😁

If your heart is set on going back you need a rock-solid plan. Don't just be sad, be pro-active!

You said you feel like a coward. Don't. Living abroad, even when you speak the language, can really sap your confidence.
You need to let the real you deal with this.
( By the way, I nearly cried when you said that your children only know the real you when you go home. It's the same for me and it breaks my heart.)

I do agree with Juneau that your DH needs to better take on board what you're saying and feeling. If you are giving out mixed messages, it's perhaps time to stop?

Mountainsoutofmolehills you are right to say that things won't necessarily be the same/ the grass isn't greener. But were you as unhappy as OP when you moved back?
The comparisons you make are also related to the specific country/ area and social class/lifestyle, surely?

Wishing you happiness, OP

So don't back down. If he hopes that one day you'll just magically be happy where you are, I'd disabuse him of that right now. You have a right to be happy - your current situation simply isn't fair and your DH is being an arse for just sticking his head in the sand and hoping that one day you'll get over your unhappiness and embrace his country. What does he have to lose by moving? What are his specific concerns about Brexit? Has the announcement this week about EU citizens' rights changed anything (I don't know if he's an EU citizen, but if he is then he should be feeling significantly better www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-44553225). If you're still unsure of what it means for him or he's a non-EU citizen then I'd look into it for him and give him the info. It's easy to be scared or to brush off ideas with vague concerns, but if you have the exact answers to his questions and can perhaps allay his fears then could you change his mind, do you think? There is lots of info here www.gov.uk/government/publications/moving-to-the-united-kingdom, or you should be able to call the British Embassy or British Consulate in your capital city and speak to someone there about how it will all work. Finally, you say you're a SAHM, but what did you do before and would moving back to the UK allow you to return to work/retrain or somehow improve your lot either financially or at least socially? Those, to me, are really valid reasons for moving back.

8 Months of shit depressed people that get pissed to cope and then talk about telly. This is your england.

It's not my England. I don't recognise the rest of it, either.

MrsDarcyIwish I agree, my self-confidence has hit rock bottom, I am not sure of myself anymore, being here has definitely changed me as a person. I don't like the person I am here, the person I have to be here.
juneau I have just read the new gov information, there wasn't anything the last time dh and I had 'the talk', so there was a lot of what if's. Good, reassuring news for me, and dh, if he wants to hear it.
When I bring up moving he always manages to talk me down, he does just want me to BE happy, just preferably here.

I have become so dependant on him, as I can't deal with a lot of things here, my self esteem and confidence has been more affected than I realise.
My past work involved working with the public. I was good at it, I am was a people person. I could not/would not be able to deal with that here.
I have become a non-person here, not convinced my needs are valid enough to be addressed.

Your needs are valid and I'm shocked that your DH is clearly not taking this seriously. Does he really care, do you think, about your happiness? The fact that he, in your words 'talks you down', sounds to me as if he's just dismissing your concerns, sweeping them under the rug and hoping that if he keeps doing that one day you'll just stop raising these issues with him.

You sound depressed actually (although I'm not a doctor), but you sound defeated and like it's all hopeless. Do you think getting some antidepressants might help you to feel strong enough to push for the move you know you need? If you are depressed, I suspect it's situational, rather than a long-term problem (unless you've suffered from depression before?). Do your family know how you feel? Are they supportive? Will they be your cheerleaders behind the scenes while you convince your DH that you're not going to ever be happy where you are and that what you need is to move home now? Sometimes all we need is the support of others to find the strength to push for what we need in life.

No I don't have any supportive family. My mum would die a slow painful death if I opened up emotionally surely the stuff should be enough. So no, I don't have any family, I am on my own in this. The thing is if I stay then I am no better than her in accepting that it's ok to bury emotional needs.
I have felt like this for so long, that feeling dead inside has become the new norm.
I just don't have any fight left in me. I just want dh to be on the same page without having to convince with all the facts so we can do this together. The thought of doing it all myself, with a reluctant dh who needs the absolutely impossible
guarantees makes it so monumental I panic and bow out.
I know I need to find the strength and commitment to plough ahead. I have always been the type of person who didn't take failure personally, brush myself down and move on. Not anymore.

You know what OP, it IS totally shit that your dh isn't really listening and that you have no one in RL who has your back.

But....YOU are enough! ( With a bit of support from MN perhaps)

I am one for writing things down in black and white. It helps stop things whirling round in my head, and I love a check list 😂

As I said, you need a plan. Something like:

1. Get self-confidence back

Don't discount Juneau's suggestion of ADs.
Counselling might be an idea but sure how feasible that is where you are.
Self-help by reading up is possible though. I'm sure if you asked for pointers here you'd get some good advice.
Do you have any frlends where you are? If so, try to increase the time you spend with them doing things you enjoy. Try new things. Be a little adventurous.
You said you are a people person who used to work in a public facing role but couldn't do with that where you are. You could take baby steps to build that back up. If your children are in school could you help out in any way? What about voluntary work in the community? Being a greeter for tourists if you know your new city well and it's a safe place.

1. Make needs crystal clear to DH, expressed in specific terms.

Once you feel more self-assured it will be

easier to stand your ground. He absolutely needs to understand.

1. Work on your employment prospects.

Do you want to go back into your role/field? If so, do you still have contacts? An email or phone call to a former colleague or boss about current market situation would be a good first step. If no contacts, look at job ads. You have nothing to lose by dusting off your cv and sending it to a couple of agencies and asking for some feedback. You may need or want to retrain. Internet and Mumsnet are your friends.

1. Work out logistics including time frame.

Having a clear time frame will make it real and spur you on. For example, "I want the children to be enrolled in an English school on September 1st 2019 (or whenever)." That gives you 14 months to make it happen. You'll then be able to project manage.

1. Move

1. Deal with any problems from a new position of strength and as a team.

Obviously, points 1-4 can be dealt with concurrently.

You absolutely can do this.

If your dh is a total arse, you can still do it. Perhaps without him if it comes to it, but you're a looooong way from that scenario.
I think he's just got comfy and complacent and is counting on the fact that that you will either just 'be' happy as you say ( or will give up, which is more worrying). As Juneau said, you need to disabuse him of this assumption. See point 2 above.

Good luck ! ☺

Thank you for the to-do list MrsDarcyIwish . I realise I have to be more tactical and less emotive when moving forward, especially when it comes to dh and the kids. I really need everyone on board with this move as I can't possibly do it without everyone wanting the same outcome.
I need to become stronger within myself, which I am not at the moment.
I need to stop believing that my needs are not as important as the rest of the family's.
I know in my heart that this move would work (for everyone) but I really need to come at it with a more positive spin.
I need facts, figures and timelines.
I do agree that dh needs to be set straight of any delusion that I will just stay here, no matter what.
Thank you for your support

Way to go, OP!

You sound much more positive already ☺

Do let us know how you get on. And don't hesitate to come back here for support if you're feeling wobbly 😁