Trailing spouse in international development sector: just can't stomach one more assignment....

[user1466715461]

I'm a trailing spouse and a SAHM. My husband is in the international development sector. If we're lucky we end up in a nice (safe, clean) enough place that we can have some kind of family life but most of the time the industry is built around workaholic/alcoholic/cause driven mavericks, living in shared housing, bed hoping and who are mostly single and childless who accept a lot of travel, long hours and living apart from their families. I never imagined my marriage would involve so much time apart. He has been offered a well paid contract where I would live in a horrible city and he would live in another horrible city in the same country and see each other at weekends (I would have to live in an overpopulated polluted megacity) or I can return home, be a single mum, see him on school holidays. I feel so burned out. Exhausted by the industry. Exhausted by struggle to find good contracts, trying to make my family invisible so as not to burden my husband, or unemployable. Exhausted by the fear that any periods of family bliss are short lived, that unaccompanied contract is only around the corner. I have to face my children not seeing their Dad as much but the industry has left me so burned that I don't even know how I feel about my husband right now. The love has become resentment and anger, there no room for romance. It's not been his fault always but sometimes too much struggle takes the romance away. I don't want to try any more. I just want a house, garden, fresh air, running water, electricity, normal life with a husband who is around to keep me company. I'm an only child, i need to build friendships for old age, not transient expat ones, and would really like more companionship in my marriage, as a lonely only I really wanted a good marriage. Any other lonely expat spouses, living in countries where it's really hard to get employment (although i have a part time job it doesn't fix the loneliness).

What is there to worry about? Few people have a salary of 200k+. Take the money, save it all, go to UK, get a job, rent near your mum. In 1 year you can either buy outright or pay a hefty house deposit.

And why must your children go to private school?

Ok so your Mum is on her own and presumably in the U.K.

Why do you have to live separately from your DH while in the same country ? This makes no sense to me. Surely you might as well be in the U.K. near your mum, if you’re not going to be with your DH ?

I’d move back to be close to your mum, put the kids in state school and get a job if I were you.

How old are the kids ?

UK, the salaries are terrible, and even what is considered a good salary (enough to cut child benefit) would not pay a mortgage

Now you’re being ridiculous. If you’re earning £60k plus for one salary and you were both earning so say your take home pay would be £80k+ combined, of course you could pay a mortgage. It’s not compulsory to send your kids to private school you know.

I think your plan sounds good... live near your Mum.. or maybe even with your Mum???? While the kids go to school in England and you holiday with your DH. Take a year to work out what you want to do in the medium term so that you also get to feel fulfilled.

Someone once used an analogy of water skiing. .. Earning spouse is driving the boat, having a great time, looking forward, enjoying the speed and trailing spouse is being towed along behind the boat desperate for it to slow down thinking they only wanted to paddle in the sea with their trousers rolled up.

The industry isn’t the problem, your H is. He could probably get a UK based job.

I would return to the UK.

State school for the DC would give you more options, especially if your marriage ended.

Living in a dump, with a weekend only husband sucks. I'd go back to the UK if this happened again to us.
How long is the contract? 12-24 months, live apart, save hard, ditch the private school (I reckon our International private school is equivalent to a decent English state school), and then settle down on a lower salary in the UK at the end of the contract.
I'm guessing it isn't an easy flight home? I know one guy who flew home at least once a month (6 hr flight to London, tube across London and 4 hrs on the train). He was a wreck, but it kept his marriage going.

There is no right answer to this. You can only do what seems the best with the info at the time - balancing your needs, kids needs, DH s job, earnings and lifestyle.

And I know 200,000 sounds like a lot but I know how it quickly it disappears when you are buying flights home every few months...

U.K. wages are terrible in the charity sector so look at other sectors which have better pay.

Also look at work for the UN in their HQ locations which are primarily NYC and Brussels. As a PP mentioned there are a lot of HQs of charities in Geneva.

You need to sit your DH down and be clear that this is the last assignment in a developing country. I think if your focus is on the future in a nice place it will really help you.

Yep 200000k is a terrible salary, it's only 10 times average income.

life This issue is that salaries in the Uk are much lower than £200k. It's always going to be hard to shift to earning less. The U.K. is a very expensive place to live and quite honestly I'm shocked at how low many professions pay. DS teacher here in the US earns $102k a year with excellent benefits including full student loan forgiveness after 10 years of service. That is about £73k a year. I don't know many teachers in classrooms all day in the U.K. making anything close to that. Head teacher is making $135k a year which is about £96k a year.

You poor thing it sounds horrendous. Your husband is being selfish IMO. I live in a different country to where i was born but in Europe thankfully

Talk to your husband and find a path forward. The UK is not all it’s cracked up to be, you could settle in any country, get jobs and you Mum could come and live with you.

I'm getting the impression that you don't feel you can move home unless you buy a naice house, in a naice area and send your kids to public school.

But if salaries in your husbands area aren't as good as abroad, then you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. You rent a lovely little cortege within half an hour of your mum and your kids go to the school down the road.

With your husbands very high current salary, you could rent somewhere amazing.

You sound a little like a rabbit caught in the headlights, where it looks awful in every direction. Don't panic though, a reasonable solution will be out there.

I think you need to sit down together and write down all the possible options you have on paper. Then go through and see which you would be prepared to do, and if there are any self-imposed conditions attached (ie I could do one more year of this to get the 200k salary but we would need to all be home in the UK after that). Remove any that you are non-negotiably opposed to.

You'll be left with the viable options and have a starting point to begin planning from.

I don't trail - I stayed at home and built a life for my kids and have a job. Sometimes it feels like DH is a visitor and it can be a bit lonely, But it forced the issue of him looking for a UK job so he now travels with work rather than literally living abroad. However I should say his salary is not huge. Not even a higher rate tax payer.

want2bsupermum how on earth does your DS's teacher earn $102k?? I'm a teacher in the US and earn half that! And I'm almost at the top of the pay scale. Our benefits aren't great either. I'd double check your figures, and if they are correct, send me the school name so that I can move, stat!!

justanothermanicmum She is a teacher with a special needs masters and a BCBA certificate. She has 20 years of experience. She works the extended school year so only has 4 weeks off in August along with the other two weeks a year.

Another is a case manager and social worker in the special education section. She makes $106k a year. Totally shit FWIW. Told me I needed parenting classes when my 2nd elder child was having massive meltdowns at school and was refusing to go to school. She would run away from me when walking to school and was nearly run over once. Turned out she has ASD/ADD/anxiety and oppositional defiance. I got her on the school bus thanks to a police report and educational advocate.

DDs aide makes $55k a year. Totally shocked me that she was paid so well and I'm so very thankful because she is absolutely amazing. DD has gone from completely failing first grade to completing 2nd grade at the start of last month and ploughing through 3rd grade material.

She started the year with a lovely teacher who has been working for the district for 10 years. She makes $85k a year. Her linked self contained classroom teacher is retiring this year. She is an absolutely amazing teacher who handles the toughest kids. Her salary is $125k and she earns every single penny of it.

OP. Actually it is possible to get a mortgage in the UK if he earns between £50-60 k )since you mentioned the cb threshold ) and you earn £15k. (To be conservative£ Not a 4 bed in a desirable part of central London, no, but there are other options!

As a pp said: save a good chunk of the income for a year and you have a great deposit.

Tell your DH how you are feeling, make it clear life and the way you love it is more important than money. Make a positive plan.

The blunt reality is that you have to make a choice between salary and lifestyle. Your DH presumably earns his very high salary because he works in the sort of places that most people, especially with families, don't want to work.

Your options would seem to be:

1. Your DH keeps his existing job and salary and you move back to the UK, only seeing him now and again.
2. He keeps the job and salary, you keep trailing. Could you do it for a couple of years and save lots from his salary?
3. He finds a lower-paid job but in a place you want to live and could also work in.
4. (Last resort) Divorce. You live where you want. You work and receive child maintenance, which on his salary would be quite a good amount.

What is the most important thing to you? Are you and your DH on the same page?