Living in Naples

[Dancingtothemusicoftime]

Hi, my DH has been offered a 3-year job opportunity in Italy, about 20 miles outside Naples. The relocation and expat package is good and our DC are excited at the prospect; they are at uni or will be doing A levels so will stay in U.K. and come to us for the long holidays.

We visited a couple of weeks ago to take a look as it would mean me taking a career break so a significant decision. There is other stuff (academic) I can do during that break so I won't be climbing the walls.

However, I really disliked Naples, much to my surprise as I have visited Italy many times before (though not Naples) and always loved it. It will be our main go-to destination while we are there. I found it filthy, chaotic and depressing. It felt unsafe. I know Italy has a different vibe to the UK but this was something else! I was so relieved to get on the plane at the end of our visit.

There are lots of pros to the offer - easy travel to Rome via the new fast train; the opportunity to see more of Italy and Europe. I suppose I just wanted to hear from someone who had the same response as me but came to love the area.

We have lived happily all over the world, often in very austere places, so this reaction was a first for me. I suppose it made me reconsider as suddenly being physically away from my DC and my increasingly frail elderly parents, plus take a break from a career I enjoy, seemed to be a high price to pay to go to a place I instinctively loathed! Apologies if I sound a bit snowflakey, but we need to make a decision this week and I'm struggling!

Any thoughts would be really welcome, even if it's to tell me to get over myself!

Naples is a shithole, I wouldn't. I've lived in Italy most of my adult life, I'm Italian origin, I feel entirely comfortable with the culture and lifestyle but Naples just no. I also hated it, I had a bf from Naples and we'd occasionally pop down to see his family (who were lovely) but it never grew on me.

Added to that Vesuvius is due to blow at some point, it's been a while...

If you need to be in Campania region there are nicer towns, you could live a bit further down the coast, although the commute in by car might be taxing.

Sorry for the negativity! Alternatively you could move to Rome and your DH could commute on the fast train, it's only an hour and the monthly tickets are very cheap by U.K. standards. Just a thought

Will you be in Caserta? That's a bit better than Naples, or it was when I last visited.

I don't think you should give up a job you enjoy.

Naples is not an easy city. Could you live in Rome and your DH would do the commute con the Freccie (fast) Trains? Does he have to be in the office everyday?
I would never live in Naples, I could however live in Ischia, Capri or Anacapri and take the ferry boat daily. Far better than going inland to Benevento or similar city which are nice and safe but I would turn mad.

Naples is dangerous and you would always have to watch your back,especially if you look British

Thank you so much for your replies and I'm really glad that you agree with me as I was beginning to think that I was just being spoilt and a bit of a wimp! He will be located between Naples and a town called Lago Patria - the little I saw of that was horrible: dead dogs in the road, numerous prostitutes who looked disturbingly young, piles of rubbish everywhere. I had never seen this side of Italy before and it was just so depressing.

Some really great suggestions, so thank you. The Rome idea particularly appeals though not sure my DH will agree as he's always disliked commuting. He does have to be in the office daily, sadly, and it's a long hours culture in his company too.

He is speaking to his HR people tomorrow so we need to make a decision tonight. I didn't sleep last night for thinking about it as he is still really keen to go and it's a promotion for him too. We don't want to do the weekend commute thing back to the U.K. as we've done that before and it didn't work for either of us.

Lots to consider! Thanks again for your suggestions and thoughts.

If he has to go to the base in Lago Patria, commenting from Rome is not an option.

Italy has many faces and Naples has one the darkest, especially when you move south towards Torre del Greco. Have you read or seen Gomorra?
Three years in a place you dislike is difficult. Could you maybe postpone the decision and speak to some of the expats already there? Or aim at the rich part of Napoli. Rent in Chiaia. I went there for a wedding, old and chic. Or maybe Posillipo?
What would you be doing during the day in Lago Patri? In Naples you could enrol in a language school and meed other expats.

Maybe living in Ischia and commuting? Or living in Riva di Chiaia. Also, see the PM I sent you. Long story short: Naples is not like the rest of Europe it's like India. Could you live in Calcutta? If yes you can live in Naples, if not you won't be able to.
Best of luck

Interestingly Naples is the one place I would consider living in Italy. I love it. I know it is chaotic and dirty, but it is also lively and beautiful. Which part of Naples did you stay in?

I would never consider relocating to somewhere I didn't like though, so I think you should go with your gut feel.

Thanks all for the responses and PM, much appreciated. Still going round in circles - DH so keen to go. Decision day today. Sadly we can't put off a decision or delay as our move also affects other people in DH's company, in a positive way for them.

To add to my misery my boss told me yesterday that she didn't want to lose me and would I consider remaining here in U.K. and commuting out to Italy at weekends It was so kind of her but only served to muddy my indecision waters further. I know it wouldn't work - DH and I need to live together.

I'm about to get on the train for my daily commute and am hoping that - magically - I will know for sure either way when I step off it in 90 minutes time.. Perhaps I should toss a coin

In other news, eldest DD (18) rang last night to express her delight at the prospect of the long uni holidays she could spend in Italy. I suspect she has visions of being glamorously perched on the back of a Vespa with her arms wrapped around some gorgeous Italian lad!

Meant to add that I'm grateful for all the suggestions. Our package is good but we are limited on locations we could live and it would be between Naples and the horrible Lago Patria. I thought we had options to live further afield but apparently not.

If I went out there I would start the PhD I have been intending to do for some years and would definitely take language lessons. And I might even get fit as that's something I've also put off due to being intimidated at the thought of displaying my middle age spread amongst the body beautifuls in the gym.

Money would be tight though with the loss of my salary so I would investigate PT jobs; I assume I would need half/decent Italian for those though.

Italian mumsnetter living in the UK here.
Get info about the nicest areas of Naples and look at renting there. Living abroad is very enriching, and as a mum of a 10 months old I can only tell you to take all opportunities you com across in life now that your kids are adults

Sorry, cross post.
PM me for any help.

I love Naples as a tourist but think it could be challenging to live there (I live in the North of Italy). Where I live there is a lot of rubbish (and prostitutes) but haven't seen any dead dogs yet....

There must be nice areas to live in Naples - I think you have to put aside British ideas of where you would like to live (e.g. leafy suburbs, gardens) and throw yourself into it, chaos and all - OR find somewhere rural and out of the way. The smaller towns near Naples do not appeal at all. I would also be a bit scared of being so close to Vesuvius but I've always been in awe of volcanoes!

I'm curious now. Why is Naples like this?

Sounds better to me if you stay home with your child doing a levels, your career and elderly parents and your husband goes there and you visit for the holidays. It doesn’t sound like an amazing package if you will be worse off without your salary. You could always join him later once he’s settled, and he’s experienced the area. I’ve been to Sorrento many times, and visited Naples by the public train. We went to the archeological museum. It was okay but lots of very young children begging and harassing people on the train and at the station .

Avoid

Why is Naples like this?

Very very poor local government

Did you make a decision OP?

Sorry OP, I thought D-day was yesterday, not today

Stepped off train and took call fm DH. He so wants to go. PP is right, I need to embrace the opportunity now the DC are older and can travel to see us independently, and if it doesn't work out then we will review and I will return.

I remain ambiguous about it but will make the most of it. I do love my current job but it's massively demanding with very long hours and perhaps some time to regroup would be a good thing. I've worked FT since leaving uni and went back when all three DC were 3 - 6 months old. Perhaps I should see this as a new beginning?

Thanks again everyone- I'm really grateful for your input which has been so generous and thought-provoking. MN is such a wonderful source of advice and support. I'll update when we are out there. Ciao x

I’m suprised at your decision to go and just reread the replies again as I thought they were in the main negative. Do think carefully about leaving a job where you are happy. I have lots of friends in their forties and fifties who can’t find any jobs! We often holiday in Italy, beautiful country, and I’m sure that my children would love the idea of long holidays in Lake Garda or Sorrento but the reality of Naples would be very different :/ Driving in Italy is fairly treacherous too.

Good luck OP, I do agree one needs to widen one's horizons (I myself am a prime example of FOM having moved countries several times) but Naples is quite a leap.

By the way, driving in Naples is treacherous, it's really not the whole of Italy, driving in Milan is almost sedate and the motorway driving is fairly polite. I've seen worse driving on UK motorways, they certainly seem to have lowered the bar in terms of who they give a licence to in the UK of late, I was used to better manners in my day about 25 years ago
I just thought I'd put that out there.

Tip for driving in Naples from Neapolitan ex - don't stop at a red light or someone will go in the back of you

The chaos is not only down to the local government, most is down to the stranglehold the Camorra has plus the mentality of the Neapolitans themselves of ripping someone off before they rip you off and sticking it to the man. Which is a huge shame as there is a lot of talent in Naples and Campania as a whole, if only it was applied to legal enterprise and good deeds the area would be flourishing.

There is a lot of history there which partly explains the attitude, stretching back to the Bourbon monarchy and beyond. If you find time OP do research it, it will help you make sense of a lot of the local culture and might enable you to see more positive points that may not be evident at first glance.

How exciting! I was curious to find out your decision and am pleased you've made this one (life's not a rehearsal etc) as it's something I've always wanted to do (the experience of living somehere abroad, not necessarily Naples)

Jinglebells99, thank you and I do appreciate my decision may have appeared sudden and contrary to the advice I had received but I think I have just had one of those 'just jump out of the plane as your parachute is fully functional' moments.

I suspect I could have vacillated for ever but time is not on our side, not least because our decision- either way - impacts on other people in my DH's company. We went out there to visit as I was so unsure because of all the wider ramifications, ie DC's, parents, my job and to be frank, was more confused when I came back than before I went.

But ultimately the decision was mine - he has always followed my career and I think for once it is his turn, but we wouldn't be going had I not elected to do so.

I will, as a PP has suggested, try to learn more about the history, politics and culture of the area and I am fortunate that one of my DH's future colleagues is a Neapolitan who is passionate about his city.

I have just spent the evening with a friend who in the past spent time with her DH in Naples - this was a pure coincidence- but she told me that the mantra of the place is that you weep when you arrive, and weep forever once you leave...