Please help me help my 4yo to adjust

[RiddleMeThis2018]

Hello everyone- I’ve NC for this as some of it is potentially outing, hope that’s ok.

I’ve recently moved abroad with DH and 2 DCs (4 and 5yo). At home, I placed great value on stability. The children have had the same childminder since they were babies, and we lived in a lovely community where we knew lots of people and they went to the local school (nursery and reception). But then this move came up, and while I admit I didn’t want to come, I recognised it was the best thing for the family, so I agreed to it.

It’s only been 2 weeks, I should say that upfront. We’ve moved to a lovely area, have a bigger house, and my 5yo (who I thought would struggle) is adapting really well, although I realise that could change. But my 4yo seems absolutely bereft. Although he’s so small, he had a lovely group of friends who he talks about wistfully all the time. He desperately misses his childminder, and in particular her children, who he’s always spent a lot of time with. Some of this manifests itself in sadness, but he’s also being very naughty- lashing out at me and his sister, refusing to go to sleep, being really defiant. I know it’s because he’s sad, but I obviously can’t let this behaviour go.

I really wanted to ask you all, who perhaps have experience of moving your families around, how I should deal with this. We are doing lots of fun things, but I don’t feel I can jolly him out of this, because they’re real feelings and I don’t want to minimise them. My judgement is also clouded by the fact that I didn’t want to come either! And I don’t want to project my own feelings into him.

At the moment, I feel like we’ve broken my bright, caring, friendly little boy. Please help.

It is hard but two weeks is no time at all. I would allow 4 to 6 months to settle in.

You don't say but I know from my personal experience that dc can pick up really quickly on stress and unhappiness. The more comfortable and relaxed I seem the easier the dc find it.

Try and find something new that you can do where you are that your dc enjoy, to build on the positives of the new place.

Allow your dc to be sad about what they have lost. Are you still in contact for FaceTime, WhatsApp etc? If so you can agree that it is hard to say goodbye and encourage contact.

Also sleep has always suffered every move we have done!
Try and get dc to choose what they would like to do when you can to help give them back some sense of control.

It’s interesting what you say about them picking up on your own stress and unhappiness. I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy per se, but I don’t really speak the language and that does make it a bit more stressful. It’s so odd, because my other child, who I really thought would struggle, is relishing the challenge and chatting to everyone she sees.

We’ve been going out and about and seeing new things, which my little boy seems to enjoy. And I have been encouraging him to WhatsApp his friends. To hear him tell the childminder’s son that he really misses him has been heartbreaking.

I think he needs to make new, real friends here, but at the moment I can’t get him into school for a few months, which I really don’t think will help.

Thanks so much for replying. Giving it 4-6 months is really good advice.

Riddle I’m sending you big unmumsnetty

You haven’t broken him. He will be fine, but it will take time.

Even if your other child is fine brace yourself for homesickness later too.

My D.C. (much older then yours) we’re fine for the first month but then cried every day for months.

They both adapted well to school here, made friends easily etc it just wasn’t home.

Looking back they say that they are pleased we came out here and they’ve had opportunities and experiences here that we wouldn’t ever have had in the U.K.

You can’t fix it. It just takes time.

Thank you copper. When we were leaving, all my friends said, “it’ll be so great for the children”, and although I think ultimately it will give them something they wouldn’t have got at home, I also think they will lose a lot (but I SWEAR I haven’t implied this to them!!)

May I ask you and allchange how many times you’ve made these big moves? And whether it gets easier?

And how did you cope when they cried every day for months??!! (I missed that the first time!)

There’s not too much you can do but give them big hugs, tell them it will feel better in time but that we have to make the best of it in the mean time.

As to how I coped with their distress, just what you would expect, smiles to their faces and tears in private.

I have to say that in terms of our own move that we now all agree that it has actually been wonderful for the children. It was very hard for the first 6 months but actually overcoming the homesickness has been very empowering for them. They are far more confident and resilient than many of their peers.

The change in educational system has been a good experience for them too, although that was the thing I was most worried about.

This was our first move although I suspect it won’t be our last.

We will be returning to the U.K. and may have to move again in future.

Is he going to school? If so as he settles and makes friends he will eventually get used to it. It might help to arrange play dates etc with the other mums to ease him in. Also cubs / scout groups have special groups for young kids, so you could enroll him in one so he has something to look forward to.

This is so encouraging, thank you alI. Duchy he is registered for school but they say they can’t take him for 6 months!! I am in the process of begging. I’ve also found a 4-week summer course he can do locally in our own language, and you’ve confirmed that that would be a good idea. I also feel that what he needs is friends, and he needs “input”- he learns very quickly and constantly.

And copper, resilience and confidence. I might adopt them as a sort of mantra. Thank you!

We moved internationally when the kids were 4 and 6.
The summer school sounds like a great idea.
Not sure where you are, but can you find some local swimming/football/art/anything classes that would get you meeting people?
Poor DS2 started reception in the UK, got moved out here, started in a school that wasnt what it claimed (but had spaces), and was in reception in school 3 at Christmas. Get the school right even if it means taking 6 months.
Your oldest may well still be on holiday mode - and the reality that this is it for the next X years may hit soon.
Keep going. It has its ups and downs (1 year in was awful for me), but the experiences the kids have had, and the global nature of their friends has had massive benefits to their worldwide views - it's one way to make a global citizen.
Try to fit in normal life as well - exploring new places is great, but you still need to go to the supermarket, and mopvtge floor.

Can I ask where you’ve moved to? It might make it easier to advise.

Firstly, I would do 2 things:
Find the local English language groups and classes so he has some familiarity. Most countries run these. When we lived in Belgium you could get horse riding lessons, dance classes, rainbows/beavers/cubs/brownies etc all in English.

Secondly I would find some local language courses or even better - can you engage a child-centred local tutor to come to the house at first? My mum used to tutor very young children in English, and they’d read stories, so role plays with toys etc. Secondly, it’s a little thing but if you can leave the radio on in the local language and the local children’s tv shows, they can start to pick up the language without really noticing. It’s jncredible how quickly children adapt at this age.

We moved overseas in January of this year with a 3 and 5 year old. My DS who is 5 adapted much quicker than my DD who is 3. She had horrible tantrums, raged at everything and mostly refused to even get dressed for the first 2 weeks. It took me 5 hours 1 day. It’s hot and I told her she didn’t have to wear clothes but she wouldn’t leave it. She kept insisting she wanted to put an item of clothing on and then scream blue murder. I found it incredibly stressful. Starting nursery was a turning point for her. I think she just liked the stability so I would say yes to the summer activity. Also try to invite children over if he makes friends, be very proactive with all the parents you meet. Introduce yourself, give out your number. Overall they are both doing well now. Kids do adapt, they do build resilience but it is so painful and sad to watch.

Two weeks is still so soon - and I do agree about him picking up on your feelings too and getting some positive feedback of hugs and comfort for expressing sadness. Not that I'd ever say not to comfort him! But with my youngest especially, she sort of relished the role of tragic migrant child, and we did have to make sure we found lots of other ways to make a fuss of her so that focussing on her homesickness was less appealing, and even 18 months later, if she is getting told off she will occasionally launch into 'I just miss so much', with an upwards glance to see how we are taking it 😉

It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing by trying to get him into school asap. This sounds obvious, but have you talked to them in person to see if there's any way around or recommendations they might have in the meantime for settling in?

We found WhatsApping home to exacerbate the problem, so instead would write letters once or twice a week and only talk occasionally.
Could you also give him a role with some power in it? If he is learning some phrases, maybe mummy is finding them hard and he can help you buy things in shops, or he can be your teacher? Or if he loves flood or cooking you can put him in charge of deciding which is the the nicest local cafe or local shop for recipe ingredients, or the best local soft or park etc. Something to give him back some power and make him feel like home is 'his patch'.

One last one - do keep an eye on your eldest. Without wanting to alarm you more, she'll have sad times too, and sometimes it's the one who doesn't express it who needs more care.

And in case all that was depressing, ours have settled so well! 4-6 months is a good time, for us it came about 2 months after starting school to be really enjoying the new place (I took a bit longer, but am older and I think it takes longer to make new friends at 35 than at 5!)

One thing I forgot to suggest last night OP have a dig around online and particularly on Facebook to see if there’s a local British ExPat group.

I was very keen to make local friends (and I have) but the ExPat group gave me all sorts of useful advice both practical (eg how doctors work here) and emotional (eg how to deal with Christmas away and trips home).

You need support too, not just the kids. Develop your own friends as soon as you can - it makes all the difference,

We have 9 year olds and have moved to one non English speaking country, back 'home', then another English speaking country, aged 4 then six then nine. Moving home was horribly hard and we hadn't realized it would be. The last move was the smoothest so yes it gets easier but not easy.
I agree with a pp there is a balance between being empathetic about their sadness and encouraging them to embrace the positive. Change is hard at any age though and we have learnt to expect meltdowns from all of us as we move and settle.

Allchange I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread but would you mind telling me what specifically were the hardest things about moving home?

It’s something we are probably going to face next year and I’ve been worrying about it.

Hope you don't mind OP,
copperbottom it was totally our fault it was so hard. We saw it as coming home, returning to the DC's orginal school, speaking our native language and basically returning to normal. We totally didn't think through that our DC spent as much time speaking another language as they did English, the educational adjustment was huge and it didn't help we had a really unsupportive teacher that year, they remembered almost nothing of our old life. We should have prepared them for a move as throughly as we tried going out and moving again last year. Also despite the challenges of being overseas I missed our large house, the maid ( doing housework while trying to work was horrible, I also really missed the steady company and freedom that she gave me), friends, weather and general excitement.
The first three months was hell, DC stopped sleeping, was struggling in school academically and behaviourally and was very, very angry with us. I was tired from that and trying to work, sort out house and manage all the housework.
That said two years later when we left again DC were doing well at school, had a great circle of friends, were happy with their lives. Last years move was so much better, thank goodness, but we were mentally prepared for the upset.

Thanks Allchange. That makes sense.

Although DH and I are prepared that we’ll need the same sort of adjustment period (ie 6 months) as we needed moving here I’m a bit worried that family and friends will expect us all to just to slide straight back in.

Apologies for the slight de-rail *Riddle^

There are some great storybooks on moving home which I recommend trying to get hold of - other expats might have copies if you ask around (try FB groups).

If the school won't take kids at 4, there are likely others in your situation who have got together to entertain the kids...just need to find them! Again, try FB groups. Where we are (and where we were before) other expats and locals have set up activities for toddlers in their homes/local cafes (music groups, yoga etc).

Two weeks is really early (as you know!). Throw yourself into finding a home, friends, exploring the city. I have a rule on moving somewhere new - don't refuse an invitation. You might go for coffee and realise that you are compatible as BFFs but the key is broadening your social circle as quickly as possible. Look to see if there is a group for newly arrived expats, that can be a good way to meet people.

Your kids have experienced a lot of change - but there is some stability - you are still a family, you are still there, you still love them! Focus also on the things that are the same - your family unit.

Try not to worry too much - think of this as a learning experience for the kids. With your help, your children will learn how to manage change, build resilience and confidence.

We found a real turning point in our son settling was after our first trip overseas - we went away and then we returned to the same country, the same house...his new life. That seemed to give him a sense of where he belonged, IYSWIM. For family reasons this trip happened sooner than I would have planned following a big move but I recommend planning a short trip about 6 months after the move.

Good luck!

of course it takes time. for you it takes time too. join a yoga or pilates class. get involved involved in stuff. home will always be there.. this may not be for long...

We moved 14 times and I went to 7 different schools. ups and downs. i like the variety, stability breeds boredom!

Loads of great advice. Had a similar situation with my 4yo boy but he has settled amazingly... We are years in now but to be honest once he started school we didn't look back.

We struggled to get him into a school and he had to do six months at a different school to his sister before moving. However I'd say it was no problem for him to move and better that he was occupied for those first 6 months..

I was the same as you, didn't want to be here and Tbh it was better to keep him away from me and my held back tears as much as I could. I had planned to spend lots of time with him and entertain him but just couldn't motivate myself. So it was great that he was in school making friends and I had an extra source of friends with those school mums too.

Good luck.