Nowhere is home

[Flamingoose]

I've been an expat all my life. Moved on every four years as a kid. Didn't intend to do the same as an adult, but dh lost his job when the recession hit 10 years ago and it was an easy choice to follow the money and make a new life somewhere warm and fun. We didn't really plan ahead. We just reacted. We didn't intend to be away forever, but time rolled on. We've had a lot of fun and had some amazing experiences with wonderful people.

So now we're in our 40s with three children and nowhere is home. We were paying that 'what if' game about winning millions and it really startled me to realise that if I won millions there is no 'home' that I could move to. I don't have family anywhere. My friends are scattered.

We decided a couple of years ago that we needed to make a 'home' for the children. We chose a sensible country - good education, we speak the language, it's safe, politically stable, both our jobs are needed here. We moved here last year and here I am, trying to make a home.

I'm so unhappy. I have not made a single friend. I'm lonely and sad and I hate it here. But if I leave and move on, I'll never make a home, so I'm not giving up. I'm just existing every day, thinking about how completely shit I am to have not managed to make a single friend in a year. I used to do fun things. Now I mostly do laundry.

I'm going through the motions. I have a job, joined the PTA, am taking lessons in a sport and have volunteered to help on the social side, I try to chat at work and at the school gate, I have invited people to things. I try so fucking hard to be positive.

Don't know what I want from this thread really. Someone who can relate?

Are you in the "I am a triangle" online community?

You'd fit perfectly!

Won't help you feel at home where you are but will show you it's normal to feel like that.

I think you should stop defining yourself as an expat. You are not an expat now, you're an immigrant. You need to start integrating into the 'real' community and avoid 'expats', they'll only move again!
You know you are doing all the right socializing things, but I do think a year is nothing when you are not on the expat circuit. These people want to see you are sticking around. Learn who's who first, ask questions. Is t a small place? Treat year 2 as investigation phase. I bet you anything within a year you'll have a decent friend, and one friend is often enough to open up a world.

Are you in lreland? Though when you said the family and cousins thing as we are notorious for that. Have you joined anything just for yourself? Give it a little more time. Volunteering does help too as you meet people who are like minded.

Think I'd look for somewhere else. Maybe another place with a good expat community like perhaps you had in the gulf.

My sympathies OP. I am an expat and, as my parents were immigrants to the UK, in a sense we've always been "not at home" too.

Can I suggest trying to make friends just for you rather than always as a family? I've found that having my own circle of friends is what helped me feel settled the most. I also have tried to get more active and organise things for us to do, rather than just tagging along when someone else suggests things. So I'll be the person bookign tickets to an event that a few are interested in going to. I've had to sort of make myself to do this because I know it's good for me rather than because I'm naturally like this.
Whereabouts are you OP? Some countries are notoriously slower to fit into than others!

I feel the same except now I'm in my home country after a few postings abroad, I'm missing the excitement of living abroad and want to move on again. It's been hard moving a lot (both in my home country and abroad) and I've found it's hard to make friends as I'm always wondering if we'll move on again. I find I keep people distant deliberately because of this to avoid the pain of leaving again. The only thing that's helped is that I've recently realised I need to stop thinking too much about the future and what may be and to enjoy what's around me day to day and especially what makes me happy right now within the perceived 'confines' of my current situation. This doesn't really include friendships so I don't see them defining my happiness, they are just an added bonus.

The trouble with moving is, where to? There is nowhere in the world that I have a bunch of family and friends, or a history, or any claim to be. The goal here is to make somewhere home, and that won't happen if we keep moving. If we go back to expat life we'll only be facing this problem again in 20 years, only we'll be that much older and we'll have passed the problem on to our children too.

I did join 'I am a triangle' but couldn't get the hang of it. I might give it another try.

Thank you all, especially for the words of encouragement. It has helped to vent.

How do you have no family at all? Surely there must even be some long lost relatives somewhere?

You have to move somewhere that has other people moving to it to give yourself the best opportunity of settling. If its a place where everyone grew up together you will retain the outsider label forever . Speaking the language, on its own, isn't enough.

June she said somewhere warm, that rules out Ireland

ND maybe?

OP I've been in the UK nearly 10 years and just starting to make solid friends outside of work.

But I have great colleagues so have used them as my friends, as I work FT I like my weekends free mainly but we do catch up with another 'outsider' couple.

We are moving home soon but I do sometimes feel like saying 'home' as after so long I'm not really sure what to expect and we aren't going back to where I grew up.

I would definitely say get a job if you can.

NZ

Flamingoose I'm the child of expat parents and was expat in my early 30s but am now settled in Oz. I still have intense yearning to move expat back to where we were before, but we have put down roots. I don't regret it. It is better for the children. That said I live with a glimmer in the back of my mind that we may move again.

My thoughts: you need put some more time (e.g. 2 more years) into setting down roots.

Some practical suggestions:
(1) A pet?
If you can stand it, a dog (I personally can't stand the teeth, hair and saliva & hate the smell if they are indoors).... but
with a dog you can take it out for a walk. You can try an early morning walk or a mid day walk or an evening walk. Use it to get talking with other dog walkers, join a dog training club, go to dog friendly beaches, get to know other doggy people. My cousin (who has a lot of time on her hands) takes her dog into aged care homes as therapy through some sort of charity etc etc.
If you can't stand a dog, I think a cat won't help because they don't have the opportunities for human social contact.

We were given 2 hens by friends who were returning to the UK. We bought a cheap house for them to sleep in.

The eggs were great, but it's amazing how having hens brought us into the community. I have made many friends through my chickens.

(2) Job - paid or charity? It is so isolating to have no social contact. Just before we moved to Oz I found myself looking to the daily supermarket trip as an opportunity to speak to another person. So very lonely, but I was caught up with the struggles of daily life and didn't realise it at the time.

(3) Be careful with School. Take care - I have several times put huge effort (and actually liked) some other parent friends through school. It gets very awkward if your child has huge falling out with your new best friend's child. I have found that volunteering for things like sewing costumes for school play puts me in 'real' contact with other parents- e.g. you have a purpose - you can invite them around to plan the costumes/ have a sewing bee.

(4) You may have to make some sort of family sporting hobby to get into 'real' community life. (I have not tried this because I am working and that gives me enough connection). However.... if you can entice a child (or all children) to join a local sporting group & one or both parents go along weekly, you will find yourself with a bunch of new friends. Here (in Oz) the good options are swimming club (in summer), football, tennis and athletics.

(5) if you are so inclined, join a local religious group.

You sound great actually, and committed to your new life. I'm sure it will work out for you.
If you were to move again I would suggest Brussels. It has a homely feel (for Brits), great houses, great healthcare, freedom for the children, great links, but an obviously transnational appeal i.e. People won't think you're uppity when you talk about having a swimming pool or 'when we lived in ..' etc etc. People who've never been expats hear things in our conversation that we don't. It makes them feel boring.

Hi OP. I've got similar situation to you, though different circumstances to get here. PM me if you're in a very small country. We may be in the same place

I have now been an expat and what I would class more as an immigrant, although not long term. It is easier in some ways being an expat, everyone knows it is hard and supports each other, friendships are made quickly, money is spent easily. Superficially it is easier if you move to a country that speaks the same language as you but it is harder to meet people, make friends etc as people work and have support networks already. user has good suggestions, many of which I working my way through. I have given my self at least a year to get sorted as the first six months have all been about getting the family sorted.

Are you in the city or a small town? Are there other places in this county that you feel would suit you better?