Coping with the "why did you move back?" questions

[writergirl747474]

I'm a few weeks away from returning to the UK after 2 years in Oz. I moved here to be with my (English) partner who already lived here when we met.

It's been quite tough for me - I've not made many friends and no close ones so have felt pretty homesick and isolated. It's been a bit up and down with my DP and I have had zero friends here to discuss that with. DP is coming back to the UK with me, although a bit later in the year, and somewhat reluctantly.

Already in Oz I feel people don't get why I'm moving back. My stock answer of "family, friends... the usual" seems to get a response of "But it's so cold there, you'll be depressed. You'll come back." etc. Actually it turns out that the weather doesn't affect my mood but a lack of relationships with others does. It's like they think I haven't weighed up my life in the two countries and made the right decision for me.

I expect the same questions when I get back and while I'm happy to tell my close friends I was pretty miserable in Oz at times, I need a more lighthearted answer for random acquaintances. Many people seem to think Oz is utopia and the sun overrides any bad stuff. I also feel like people think I am "forcing" my DP to move. But I'm not any more forcing him to move to UK than he forced me to move to Oz (admittedly I was a lot more keen to move than he was).

Reading this, there's a lot of what other people think going through my mind. I wasn't like that before - I was more confident in my decisions and myself before I lived abroad.

Any advice from returners please?

I’d take the piss a bit - you know, “I missed the rain and I couldn’t get a decent cup of tea.” And then something like “No, to be honest I realised that my parents are getting older and I wanted to be close / I missed the wonderful circle of friends I have here / we decided that our family and friends are worth more than time on the beach.”

I need to take my own advice...

I’m not a returner, though we will eventually be moving back to the U.K. from the USA.

Can’t you just say that you are missing home? Keep it simple?

And yes people over estimate the benefit of sunshine. It’s nice but it’s not a panacea.

Say the plan was always to move back in a few years.

Those questioning your DP moving ... simply shrug “It was his turn next.”

Castles
Pubs
National Trust
Sarcasm
Custard
The sense of history everywhere, and of time passed
Indian restaurants
Chinese restaurants
Fish and chips
The shopping, for the love of god
Days out to random historic places
Garden centres with cafes
The green of the fields

I could go on

Ah Halfwit I do occasional miss old stuff.

Toilet seat spiders

For someone who has no friends out there you seem to have alot of explaining to do to these non friends.

I'd frankly tell them you just don't like it and miss home.

All good answers, thanks everyone.

I actually think the Aussies and settlers here are more sceptical about the move. Aussies love their country while DP's English friends (they're mostly English as it's because it's hard to befriend the locals) clearly think I'm cruellt stealing one of the lads away.
My friends will just be ecstatic I'm back, as will my family - will be lovely, most people here aren't that fussed about my location. Bring on the rain!

Be ready for reverse culture shock. You can't cross the same river twice.

"For someone who has no friends out there you seem to have alot of explaining to do to these non friends."

Well, yes, bit harsh but that's the situation and, previous to living in Oz, I was self assured enough not to worry about what random people thing - seemingly not so much any more. Obviously I do have some vague pals here and I'm deserting a sports team - most of the questions are from people there.

"Be ready for reverse culture shock".

Mmm... I know what England is like, I lived there for 40-odd years. It will be a change, yes, but not a shock. Australians seem to think I don't know what the UK is like for some reason.

I don't know how to bold my quotes?

It wasnt meant to be harsh to you op, sorry it didnt come out the way I intended.

Basically I meant if they have been hard to befriend and they aren't close to you, sod explaining your self. It's none of their business.

I suppose the difficulty is not wanting to be rude about another person’s country.

Yeah, no other country has any of that stuff halfwit

@FreeNiki
No worries. Yes, you're right, I don't know why I am bothered about explaining myself. Some of DP's friends are especially hard to relate to at the best of times.

@Cavender Well, yes, but not all Aussies subscribe to that train of thought. They're happy to say the UK is a dark depressingly hellhole without even visiting. I rarely say anything bad about Au - more the pull factors of going home. Although how I haven't pulled people up on the drink driving in Au is a miracle - perfectly acceptable to have quite a few and drive home here. Weird.

I moved away from my home country for a couple of years and then back (albeit to a different region) and the reverse culture shock is more real than you might think. Of course it's easier to get reacclimated than it was when we moved abroad, but it definitely to some time to get readjusted.

I agree with keeping it lighthearted with acquaintances. If someone has the depth of relationship with you to be worth telling the details to, then you're probably going to be telling them the real story anyway.

I've moved to a sunny vacation spot and I would give anything for the cold and the rain and real relationships than sunshine any day.

@Gotakeahike

Well I've been back a couple of times and wasn't shocked too much. I have a flat so will be returning to the same home. Obviously next winter will be the big test but I tend to plan my holidays for UK winter wherever possible. DP's going to find it tough though - he's not lived in London before.

They're happy to say the UK is a dark depressingly hellhole without even visiting.

Exactly.

I've noticed that from the Australian branch of my family say pretty derogatory things about most of the rest of the world on their Facebook.

I would miss travelling living there. No just hopping on a plane to Rome, Madrid, etc. You're stuck. Perhaps include that?

Yes it's definitely tricky to travel from here. Everything is so far away and even getting to other parts of Au and NZ cost loads.

An Australian acquaintance said last night how Australia was better than all the other countries he'd been to. Turned out he'd been to two other countries...

I would say something sarcastic (about the weather probably). Watch the reaction... and then give the actual reasons if you feel like it. People ideally will just accept you are going and not ask why - given that it's your home country! - but not always that simple

Ooh, tell them you need to be in Europe so you can go on mini breaks!
Like @FreeNiki says

I lived overseas for a few years and then came back, and I don't really remember being asked why that much. Maybe people did, and I've forgotten.

If you don't want to discuss, just smile and say something along the lines of "there's no place like home." You don't have to justify your decision to anyone.

Don't dismiss the concept of reverse culture shock though. It can be very real, and visits home don't necessarily protect you from it. It isn't really a "shock" though - just a gradual realisation that home never feels quite the same when you come back.

I had really bad reverse culture shock when I came back. We'd been away four years, not far away, and had returned regularly for work & social events. We were even going back to our own flat which we'd rented out.
It might not happen to you - I had to change my job so that probably didn't help.

I agree with the others at not wasting too much energy worrying what these people think.

Hope it goes well.

I'd stick with a neutral " It was time to come back" and move the conversation on.

Good luck.!