DH wants to move back to UK

[Londresdemain]

We moved to mainland Europe 12 years ago for DH work. I found a job similar to what I did in the UK and have made the best of it. I dont earn what I could have in the UK but I do enjoy it. There are aspects of my job that are 500 times better over here. My employers/ colleagues have been so supportive during 3 maternity leaves and its generaly a good work situation (though not well paid).

DH has a well paid job. We have a beautiful home. Our children are happy and have a dream life in the sunshine where they can play outdoors most days and speak 2 languages.

DH has not enjoyed his job for a long time now. It depresses him, and its becoming so bad that his moods are ruining our family time. He's now decided he wants to change career and return to the UK.

Fair enough, I dont want anyone to be miserable. Ive been looking for jobs and again I can see some opportunities for me. They are not that well paid but I could just about manage. The houses I could afford are nothing like our beautiful home here and my children would have to get used to life without a garden. The youngest of my children would loose their billingualism.

DH believes we should rent a more expensive home, taking into account his earnings. I dont think I can. I dont think I can trust him not to change his mind again. I wont want to uproot my children again. I need to know that their childhoods are secure and next time he doesnt like his job, it doesnt impact us all terribly.

He thinks its ridiculous that I would force us all to live on my lesser salary. I know it seems stubborn but I cant loose my home and my life again.

Does anyone else have any experience of this?

And if you returned to the UK, how did your kids handle it?

Londres ist heute intending to do the same job in the UK? Surely that's no solution. Have you discussed a total career change whilst staying put in your home? Can you live on your salary where you are? Do I you need a UK house? We sold ours - hanging on to a UK house means you're always planning to return to the UK doesn't it?

Is he not ist heute!

I'd be wary of moving back to UK with a plan of "get another hotel job and hope it's better although probably it will have the same frustrations", unless there are other reasons why the move will be a good idea.

Has dh always been unhappy in your current country or just since less happy with work recently?

But if you do decide as a family to move back, I can't see a benefit of not letting him financially contribute. Are you imagining he might up and leave? Or refuse to work? There is no evidence that he might do either based on the last 12 years. And a big drop in living standards will only add to tensions and stress. I agree when his career is in flux to not over stretching yourself, but I wouldn't calculate they he will make no contribution.

If you do move back, I'd move to an area where you would have the option of downsizing if needed without changing schools etc, eg not a super expensive area.

But based on what you've said, personally I'd want to stay in current country and DH explore how he can make his life happier there.

Expat it does depend what you mean by well. I'm retraining in an all German environment with written and practical exams in German and doing better than some of the native speakers, but I still sound very English when I speak German, and my kids constantly correct me. "Well" is a very subjective word!

Evelyn I mean well like you mean well. We have kids in local school. We can help with their homework, do playdates, phone the electricity company.... but my kids still roll their eyes at my accent. And DH accent is worse!

I dont imagine he would leave or refuse to work. I do imagine the tennants we get into our house here might leave without notice / damage something and we are left paying for more than we can afford.

It would be such a huge expense to move - I am very scared of being on the bread line with three kids. Also bearing in mind we have paid tax out of the UK for many years now, it would be a long time before we would recieve any support there (rightly so, but thats why I need to be extra careful).

If DH doesnt like his job in England either, but has to come home to out 3 kids driving each other up the wall in a flat instead of out playing I dont see how that will help his mood further.

Thanks again for your comments and help.

Londres I'm sure you're not doing it deliberately, but why can't you answer the question about him retraining into a different career where you live currently? It sounds as if the career he's in atm is the problem (you say its a young single man's game etc.) so he needs to think about changing career before location.

Also selling one of the houses would remove a lot of the financial burden - why keep both unless its hedging your bets?

Maybe subconsciously ignoring that question Evelyn - he doesnt want to /doesnt see any opportunity for that.

I can't imagine selling this house. I love it.

I see how hopeless that last post makes me look.

My husband and I come from different countries (I'm British, he's Korean.)

For now, we're in Korea, and we're staying here for another 5 or 6 years for his job. Then we'll go back to the UK to focus on my career for some time.

I know so many people here in Korea married to Korean guys who struggle so much with this. Their husband gets used to them following his life, and they end up staying in Korea forever, even though many of them hate it (it's not an easy culture for outsiders). Your problem is a common problem for people in international marriages.

When we got married, I made it very clear that while we now have a life together, that doesn't mean I will sacrifice my entire life and career for him. As much as I love him, I would not stay in this country for my whole life and if he insisted on living here, I would divorce him.

Your husband has got used to you following him and following his whims. But while you have your life as a married couple and as a family, that doesn't mean you never get a say. He needs to understand that.

Unfortunately, many men seem to be unable to compromise or see others' points of view. But you can't just keep following him around whenever he feels like it.

Has he actually looked into options where you are Londres ?

Have you had a very frank talk about the fact he is unlikely to enjoy doing the same job in the UK and where that will leave you?

If you are really moving back to the UK I do think you'd be mad to keep a house in a country you don't intend to move back to just out of sentimentality if it means your children paying for it by living in cramped conditions in the UK. You are worried about him chopping and changing but hanging onto the house where you currently live after moving back to the UK is a massive sign you aren't committing to the new life either.

More talking to your husband is clearly needed - with some brutal honesty and talking through all the ifs and buts.

From the information you've given I would not be considering moving to the UK as plan A at all.

Can he go ahead and move to the YK first, any chance of a live in job?

My fear of that would be he'd like the single life and you end up divorced...

Just so I understand: at the moment, he is the higher earner, so let's say (numbers plucked from the air for illustrative purposes) you have a takehome of 2k€ and he has a takehome or 3k€ and your joint household income is €5k/month, on which you live in a house you love with happy children.

You e agreed to move to the UK, where you can both get compatible jobs, but are insisting you will only rent a home out of your 2k takehome a month, despite the fact he will be earning? To be honest, that sounds like a subconscious attempt to sabotage the whole plan. Of course you won't have a comparable standard of living if you are using less that half the salary as an affordability guide for your home. It's undermining his idea you could have a similar standard of living in the U.K. but with a happier husband.

More sensible, if you truly want to be responsible, would be refusing to move until you had a six month savings buffer and insisting on proper conversations about what you'd do in all kinds of eventualities- if he lost his job, if he still hated his job, etc etc. By refusing to contemplate selling your current house, it also sounds like you're presumably ruling out a stable future in the U.K. Where you own your own home there.

Everything you say suggests that deep down you're not prepared for this move to go ahead, and want to find ways to make sure it will be clear you were right in the first place. I think if that's how you really feel, it would be fairer on all involved to stand up and say you won't move at this point, rather than making decisions that could make you all miserable.

Can't he get a job in UK and you stay in France? He can come out and visit every other weekend. It's what we are sort of doing but the other way around. After a year, if he's really happy and you think it's worth it, then you can review. I totally get why you don't want to uproot your happy life and DC, and why should you? I am sure there is a compromise to be found.

Ancien you have to be pretty high earners to maintain two homes and fortnightly flights.

Sending him ahead to test the waters for a couple of months might help?