Expat in the US - 6 months in...

[Ineedachange]

Hello!
Gosh! I hardly know where to start, my head is a whir. The thing is, I'd really like the opinion of other Expat mum's specifically. I'm sorry this is a long post, I have alot on my mind.

For the sake of context, last summer our family was relocated to Philadelphia. It was a choice, and it was cooked up between my husband and his boss when they foresaw the gains to be made in the US. My husband is of Kiwi origin, I met him when I was in NZ on a work visa and now we've been married almost 16 years. I love globetrotting so although cautious, I was excited by the opportunity to experience another culture again. However, the caveat being, it needed to work for our children too. So my husband negotiated a deal where our children (almost 14, and 12) would have private education. Essentially, this was because I was terrified of launching our two socially confident children into huge American schools and them becoming overwhelmed and thus, losing confidence. The plan is for 3 years.

As for me, I am a registered nurse (in the UK), I was 5 months into a PhD but I was struggling with my supervisors. It wasn't a difficult decision for me to let it go. I hoped to make contact with tentative links I already had at PENN University. Registering as a nurse in the US was never going to be an option.

Our situation now; it's been much harder than we have ever imagined. As my 12 year old DS said to me last night, "At home I was usually a bit happy and a then little bit sad. Now I can be so happy, but then I'm really, really sad". We were so excited when we first got here. A summer in California, and vast enthusiasm, has carried us far into the coldest winter we could imagine - -19C on some days (the olive oil had frozen overnight in the kitchen). Both children are in excellent, academically challenging private schools and they are very much looked after by the caring, attentive staff. I mean, there is a 12 to 1 student teacher ratio! On the down-side, it's very mono-cultural. They are treated like rock stars with so much attention, amusing in the beginning but the novelty is fast wearing off. The children badly miss the diversity of backgrounds, personalities and humour of their friends in their comprehensive schools at home. Unsurprisingly, the constant pressure makes them very tired.
On the up-side we get to go skiing at weekends. The kids absolutely love this. I'm suprised at how good they are in such a short space of time. DD has just started with a drama group - she did this at home, which she loves and seemingly, they love her. DS is stupidly excited to be starting lacrosse this season.

In fact, I don't think any of the issues with the kids can't be overcome with time. They just need to find their space. However, something I never expected, my husband worries about me. He has been travelling alot, including 2 or 3 trips back to HQ at home. He's concerned that I am at home all the time without a job. He's afraid I'm getting bored, and while he's movin' and shakin' all over the world, I'm left on my own. To some extent he's right. I could start writing academically again, but I'm hopeless when I'm not surrounded by my peers and a team. However, and I don't want to say trapped, because it's a pejorative term, but I can't do much besides supporting the DC's. Also, a quiet truth in the back of my mind is - I'm not ready to leave them either. DH says the kids are doing okay, but then he's not around when one of them has a meltdown because "it's so hard" or they "want to go home". I've joined a run group, signed up to a number of running events including a 200 mile relay across Pennsylvania. We have met another expat family, Mum and the DC's have become fast friends - our DD's go to school together.
Last week DH was in between trips and he told me he wanted to talk. He had some reflections he wanted to share. He was home for 5 days.

So finally I get to the point of my post. Here's my issue. DH says he's concerned he has made a mistake coming out here, it's so much more expensive than he was expecting (we came from Oxford), and he's worried that I've given up my career to follow his career choices. He thinks I need to find myself a job, a part-time job. Something to keep me going - "keep me ticking over 'til we get back". He's also afraid that we'll grow apart. To some extent I see his point but I'm torn. If I'm honest, I'm terrified of putting myself out there and making a commitment to a job when I still need to be around for DC's after school. Americans work very hard, they're up early and they work all hours. I mean, I get e-mails from the school at 10pm at night! The kids have to work very hard at school and they need TLC when they out from school. I think deep down I think that I'd be 'biting off more than I can chew' and over-commiting myself when the situation still feels so unstable. And now I'm worried about how I need to handle DH. He's been away for a week, he's not back for another 2. We were rock solid when we left home but 'm concerned about his perspective right now because I don't think I'm sharing it.

If you're still reading, thank you. I'm sorry for the rant but I needed to share. I used to be on Mumsnet a long, long time ago from when I first fell pregant til the kids started school, then I went back to work full-time. It was an essential support system for me in those first years of motherhood and I will be eternally grateful. Now, once again in my life, my role as a mum standing front and centre within an entirely new set of circumstances and I'm feeling unbalanced.

I'm confused. I only spoke about frozen olive oil. As far as I know we don't have heating oil here.

Most people in the states run their forced air heating by diesel which we call oil. (So it's called heating oil.)

Ironically we've just run out of heating oil today.

The nice thing about having a forced air system is in the summer you can have air conditioning throughout the house.

Funny how that was something I didn't think twice about when we left the UK and yet it is the first thing we learned to appreciate when we arrived at the end of August last year. Air-conditioning.

...And now I've just got off the phone to DH. He was calling form a beachside hotel in southern India. It was 11.30pm Sunday night, he had just got in after an evening out with colleagues, the weather was a balmy 24C, and he was feeling mellow.
"I wish you were here with me" laments just leave me feeling very sorry for myself

He's been away for 2 weeks, still another to go.

"I wish you were here with me" laments just leave me feeling very sorry for myself sad

Ah yes, I can well imagine. When DH does this I console myself with the fact that this summer I will have 12 weeks of sunshine and fun with the children while he goes to work. But when he's travelling it does get tiring, and I'm really struggling with the endless snow - I always struggle in Mar/Apr, and for some reason this year Feb feels like Mar.

Keep thinking about summer - it will be wonderful!

Yes this does feel like march. I am done with this winter and the miserable weather. We live in an old home and are saving up to renovate. It's all vinyl floor and Formica countertops. At least with steam heat we are warm during the winter. We use window a/c units and spend a fortune on electric during the summer.

OP do you have a wood stove you could use?

You can have gas forced air. I had it in my house, which was cold. We got a lot of dust blowing through the vents too. Give me radiators any day.

OP, you may have a case of the winter blahs on top of the stresses of settling in. Winter goes on for a long, long time. I recall when I first arrived in the US feeling utterly demoralised at the end of March with no end to the misery in sight. We had a few days of transitioning from cold to heat and humidity in my first year, with no real spring. This has happened many times - 'heating' one week in early May and AC the next. The year DD1 was born, in late April, I went to hospital leaving bare trees sporting a little haze of green buds and when I returned home two days later with my little bundle there was green everywhere. Unsuspected hostas had sprung straight out of the earth.
By the time July rolls around I miss winter.

I think getting your nursing registration might be the best plan for you. Nurses are in demand in all specialties. Public schools hire school nurses, with school holidays part of the job (or reduced summer hours).

Your DCs are in middle school still? Or is the older one in high school? I think if you are looking for more diversity you might consider a public high school. My own DCs attend/ed a HS of 3,500 students and all managed to find their own little tribes even with that large population. They moved from a K-8 RC elementary school of 450 students. You would save a ton of money.

I agree with what everyone says here about your DH and his worries.

to you all.

And .

Thank you everyone. I'm reminded of the lifeline Mumsnet is.

Your DCs are in middle school still? Or is the older one in high school? I think if you are looking for more diversity you might consider a public high school. My own DCs attend/ed a HS of 3,500 students and all managed to find their own little tribes even with that large population. They moved from a K-8 RC elementary school of 450 students. You would save a ton of money. Mathanxiety - Interesting that you say this. DD is in 8th Grade and we are infact dicussing this very thing. It was infact DD that raised the issue with us. It's a very good public school here, very highly respected. So apart from the fact I am nervous of her becoming overwhelmed in a much bigger school, we're thinking that she needs to own that decision if it's what she wants. She had her heart set on going to an American High School when we came out here, and although super-friendly and accommodating where she is, she still wants to go to a public school. Riverdale and Pretty Little Liars has a lot to answer for, methinks. We wouldn't move DS though, he's a completely different kettle of fish. He's quite happy as part of the family at his little prep school - nothing happening there. It's quite amusing really how different the two DC's are.

Kursk - I would love to have a wood stove. We had one at home that I would light with the poorest of excuses. I miss it dreadfully. No, here we have a number of propane gas fires, but they're nowhere near as warm as the wood stove. Our dogs would agree with me too. However, we live in a renovated barn, with lots of wood flooring, panelling and old beams. I suspect the landlord would be extremely reticient about putting one in. We used to live in a thatched cottage when the kids were small, and the prohibitive insurance costs made it too expensive to put one in.

DH is back on Saturday, only a few days now, and the weather has been nice the last couple of days. So here's hoping things are on the up.

My work has been too specialised for me to be in a position to take the general exams for nursing registration here, unfortunately.

OP, you may have a case of the winter blahs on top of the stresses of settling in.

I really sympathize with this. I moved from the southern US to Philadelphia in advance of one of the coldest winters on record, and it was very challenging emotionally as well as physically. I lived there three years, and really love the city (go Eagles, also Phillies, and most of all, Quakers ), but I admit that I got myself back to Florida at the first opportunity.

OP, maybe you could explore volunteer opportunities with a non-profit whose mission is related to your field, such as serving on a board or board committee. There is a real need for active volunteers at that level for many non-profits.

mathanxiety not to derail OP too badly but I think you have answered a question that has been driving me nuts for the last few months, we have forced air vents running of gas and I have never lived in a house with so much dust. It drives me crazy the amount of dusting I Have to do, I wondered if it was this forced air system (not that I knew it was called that) Roll on Spring. Or our weekend to Miami in a couple of weeks! Don't forget to take vit D tablets OP.

Loving the in-depth analysis of Eastern seaboard heating systems

OP I went through some of what you’re describing in this thread. I echo other posters’ comments about your DH transferring his anxiety about his career onto you - and you specifically because he’s now the sole breadwinner and doesn’t have you as back-up/to rely on.

I’d only add that given he travels so much, he probably doesn’t yet feel anywhere near as settled and grounded as you do. The routine of school and being at home with school-aged children can tether you to a place. You’re so stuck in the details of getting through each day that you tend to have less time to dwell on alternative options and “what if’s”.

As ever, 99.9% of relationship advice is communicate, communicate, communicate. Draw your DH out on what he’s really feeling; be honest about exactly how you feel about losing a part of your identity and your financial independence but being glad to be available for your children. Keep talking. You don’t want to look back 5 or 8 years down the line and say “yes, Philadelphia is when it all started”. It’s been big changes for all of you; often, it’s the children who are most resilient.

plums The heating systems here are so different to what we have in England. I ended up doing a community college course to learn about the different ways to heat and insulate a home because our home in the burbs had never been introduced to the concept of insulation. I caulked the window framing one December and ended up going through about 5 tubes of caulk. After having forced air, never again. I'll take steam heat and properly fitted window air conditioner units every single time.