4yo DS home sick??

[WS12]

We moved from the UK to Aus 15 months ago. I have two children, at the time of leaving my DS was 3 and DD was 1 (now 4 and 2). My DS asked in ge beginning about visiting grandma and grandad and we have explained about where we used to live and where we live now, and he definitely understands now that we're not close enough to 'pop round' like we used to. The problem I'm having is that our DS has been teary and sad for about three weeks, missing Grandma and grandad, Conner and Ashton (nursery friends) and he says various other things about who he is missing, places (like soft play centre) and his old toys etc etc. He says a lot he wants to go back to England for "a thousand hundreds hours" which I translate as a long time (lol cute!) I know he misses where we lived, it breaks my heart. At the moment his sleeping is disturbed too. He often just bursts into tears during the day 😢

How can I help my son not feel so sad? I remind him his grandparents are visiting just after his birthday in Feb and I say we can visit them too, but I think deep down inside he would benefit from going back to the UK to live, as would I (but I guess that's for another thread). Kinder has just finished so I think he's missing that, he will go back at the end of Jan for another year as he is still 4. I just want to help him feel better - how can I do this? And what are other people's opinions, i thought he would have settled by now, but he seems rather unsettled.

How hard for you all.
We are 2.5 years in to a temporary move (we don't know when it will end, but for certain we can't retire there) with kids who we a little older than yours when we moved.
The younger one announced in Nov he wanted to move to London - not where we lived before "because he wanted fireworks", we have also had issues about the pet we couldnt bring with us, and snow, along with friends from before.
We have talked about what and who we would miss if/when we moved back -sunshine, swimming everyday, people and how we benefit from living where we do (I don't have to work). And basically said that there are things from everywhere that we would muss, but that generally the "good" list I'd better for current location. Make sure you've got enough plusses for this before you start tho! It's even harder if, as it sounds, you are homesick too. Is this a permant move, or is there a return date in sight?

This is a permanent move, and it's been a massive battle for me. I'm starting to think about going back (but tbh I thought about it before we left, I'm such a rubbish expat ha ha). But seeing my son so emotional makes it even harder for me. I have tried saying "we live close to a lovely beach" and he replied "-place where we lived- has a beach too". I will have a good think of all the positives to help him, I always say to him if we're unhappy we can go back to live. My DH is Australian but with British citizenship and is open to returning if we really have to, not that he would be happy.

How much emphasis would others place on my DS emotions in the argument to stay/return? How long can I let him feel this way before I do something about it? I'm hoping it'll pass - but hon has struggled this year. Night terrors, pulling half of his hair out.. 😔 After which he seemed more settled hurrah! And now I can see him becoming unsettled again, I don't know how much longer I can put the poor boy through it.

I would stop telling him you can go back. That surely is more unsettling for him. We moved back to the UK from living overseas about 6 months ago and then 3.5 year old DS found it v hard to settle, but we were very clear that this is where we live now and focused on the positives as much as possible, while acknowledging his sadness. I wonder if he's picking up on your feelings about being there, and that's making it worse?
I don't think that you can let a child of that age dictate what the family does. So i think you need to address your feelings, decide what you want, and commit to that. It's nut really fair to him to let him continue to feel that if he shows you how sad he is you'll take him home - and that he's not sad enough yet.
Why did you move? There must have been good reasons?

I remember your other posts about homesickness. I am also in Australia with my partner but will be returning to the UK in a few months time.

So you're homesick and so's your son? I'd say go home. It's ok everyone saying Oz is a great place but if you're a not happy then you're not happy and no nice beach is going to change it (I should know!).

It sound like convincing your other half might be tricky though. My DP is British but has been in Oz a long time and he's coming with me reluctantly. I feel bad "making" him return but I've given it a good go here and I guess now it's his turn to make sacrifices.... Brutal but I feel I can't stay at the expense of my MH.

Hi wintergirl yes I remember your messages, thank you for replying 😊 I am still here! We went back to visit in a September and I came back refreshed with a real feeling of, yes this is it I'm staying! It lasted about 5 weeks . My DH has said if I'm still like this after March when my parents go home he's ok with me going back for a few months with the kids and without him, not sure how I feel about that.

My DS really misses his grandparents, it's a killer especially the guilt. I honestly thought he'd be settled now. I do think I influence his emotions, maybe he picks up on my anxiety?

Do you Skype or facetime parents regularly? This really helps my kids. Do you tell him when the next visit will be? Do they post things to him? I do think though if you are not happy, and dp could be happy in the UK, it is a no brainer.

We FaceTime twice a week but at the moment with time difference the kids have been missing out 😐 So yes think a good FaceTime with the grandparents is needed - we're normally up for 6.30 am which would make it 7.30pm there, in going to do it tomorrow, see if DS feels better. My DH has said he think it might make him worse ?? He also suggested I cut down on my FaceTime to once a week or fortnight to help me settle, but I think that'd make me worse.

I am actually doing ok. I have tried hard to resist those thoughts of returning as much as possible. Christmas has been terrible for me. But now it's over I'm perking up. Im going to keep an open mind and see how we're doing in March/April time. On returning from our holiday I agreed to another 6 month and see how we're all feeling. My DH would be so gutted to go back 😕 .... I wish little boy was settled, then I would feel better too. We're such a small close family though, I know we all feel each others absence.

They could do with posting a few more things to be honest. Really theres very little contact between my son and my parents, and they each love the other one fiercely, it's all very sad. So that's it - up the contact!!

We live abroad and we facetime every day, sometimes just for a minute. We use the iPad like a phone. Dd age 2 phoned on her own the other day and they were so excited. They also send little pocket money gifts via Amazon, little toys they know they'd like, sometimes a letter, we take photos of pictures they've done and send videos on messenger of normal day to day rubbish. It really helps!!

I was awfully homesick 12 months in - we came back to the UK for the summer holidays, and then went back for 1 year in. I was really bad for a few months - all set for pulling the plug, but when it came to decision time at 18 months, I was ok again. Your plan to give it 6 more months sounds like an excellent plan. But focus on a life in Aus for those 6 months, not on "5 months 3 weeks til we can move back"

Sandland that's exactly how it is sometimes, I've even set a countdown on my phone until we can go back 😱 I know it's bad of me. And yet I really love Australia and would like to stay, I want this to work, I actually have a happy husband for the first time in years. It was his bordering on depression that sent us back here really, he was desperate to come back to Aus after nearly 14 years in the UK. So yes I think throw myself into it here and see how it goes, there are a lot of positives to being here and I think they outweighs the negatives.

Pluckedpencil this sounds great!! My parents aren't very imaginative or tech savvy ha ha god love them. Where are you? They also say it's very costly to post things, which it is, I wish they could be a bit more engaged bless them. But they are coming end of Feb and we cannot wait!!

Is there an Aus version of Amazon? They would get hit by currency exchange, but not postage if they chose and sent some stuff from an Australian website. Also, is there something like Touchnote in Aus again. To send pictures and notes without the postage (and delay).

When you commit to staying, Mum and Dad give my 2 a magazine subscription for their birthdays. Some have really good international postage rates, and that could work for your oldest -again, or organised from your end (we would gave a language issue, so need the UK version).

But it works both ways - you need to work on it for them too - can DS2 draw a picture for them, and you put it on Touchnote - let them see what can be done!

Hope you've had a good start to the year. What have you planned for tomorrow?

Sandland thank you these are super ideas!👍 Yes Australia has just started Amazon so I will look into what's on it - only limited at the moment I think, but I'm sure it's growing. I have also looked into the touch note app but will need to look again and see exactly how it'd work. I haven't sent much over recently I guess with it being Christmas and have just sent a big parcel for everyone so I need to get back on board with sending them things and encouraging them to post things too.

I have always felt that my family's approach to our move has made things a bit difficult in the sense that my parents seem to think us moving away means an acceptance that they'll fade from my DCs lives (not forget them but distancing maybe?) which makes me feel so sad and helpless as it doesn't have to be that way at all these days. I tried explaining about posting bits and pieces and sending items, coming over for a month or longer at a time etc etc but all seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I think my dad is old fashioned... we recently face timed so my DC and my niece could see each other, we'd been excited all day (me particularly) and it lasted all of 10 mins because I don't think my dad could handle the screaming and jumping about from the kids at both ends 🙄!

It's not too late though and I can turn this around and hep my DS. I need to see him
Happy it's all that matters to me xxxx

this is one of the reason I didn't move overseas.
I couldn't rip my child away from everything he knows.

15 months seems like an unusually long time for a 4 year old to be so distressingly homesick, pulling hair out etc. Might there be something else going on, but talking about home is how he can express it?

Similar happened with my nieces but they were born overseas but just wanted to come back to the UK. I think it's harder on kids as they don't understand that everyday life isn't the same as visiting for a couple of weeks (getting sweets off relatives/seeing people every day/a lot of sightseeing). Now at 5 and 7 when they visit they ask to go back home as they miss their friends/their own rooms etc.

Could you take your son to other fun things in Aus like trampolining places/larger soft play areas. Take him to see kangaroos and koalas, I think you need to get him excited about Aus (and also yourself!)

My sister has got involved in an expat community and they've made so many friends through an English football team they support. They've got so many friends in their country now but it took time, and that's their adoptive family. They spend Easter and Christmas with these families so my nieces feel like they've got a huge family. Now when they come to the UK they moan how cold it is, and how everything is so old and nobody hikes.

I remember my sister used to call everyday for years and come back every few months as she was so homesick. They were only meant to be in the country for four years and now it's 15 years later.

It's funny as when I last saw my niece she said she didn't want to live in Canada anymore, when I told her she could move back to the UK when she's an adult she said she wants to live in China!! Apparently she wants to be Chinese as they have dragons and they eat sweet and sour every day. Kids have a funny way of seeing the world.

Stick at it. It takes time for somewhere to become home. Have you watched the film Brooklyn? Just watched it again tonight and this post made me think of it :)

We moved halfway round the world when dd was just 5 and ds was just 3. Dd has found it much harder than ds, she misses grandma and grandad and her friends so much.

We make sure to FaceTime her friends regularly and they pull silly faces and show each other their new things. For grandma and grandad, we FaceTime regularly and always pick up a postcard to send from everywhere we visit (even the tourist office 15 mins from home if that's where we've been!) And dd helps write them. We talk about what we will tell grandma and grandad about our adventures.

We also always have a shoebox set up addressed and ready to go. My Dd puts any special pictures she draws, special pieces of school work she wants to share or special presents she picks up (like sparkly pencils with the name of where we've visited, fridge magnets is a popular one, any little Nick nack she wants to send to them). In this way we seem to be maintaining a connection.

Grandma and grandad love to receive the boxes and will send shoeboxes in return, the last one had a pack of colouring pencils, some unicorn socks and some sparkly hair bobbles for dd and dinosaur socks, model dinos and some crayons for ds). It makes them feel very grown up to have their own post!

We send postcards back and forth to friends. We also talk about how we miss people, how mummy misses her friends too, but it's ok because you can be friends and not see each other all the time. We look at the stars and talk about how they can see the same ones (I know it's a bit trite but it helps dd).

Sorry for such a long reply!

Sorry for lack of paras, they were definitely there when I typed it...

Sodding soda yes I need to get excited about being here and it is an amazing place where we live! My DS has started to say things that he likes in Australia and knows the difference between here and the UK. It's the summer hols at the moment so we have a few days out and activities planned! It's just Sod's law I twisted my anckle last week and can't really swim or go walking on the beach much etc but I'm sure we will manage 🤣 Just flipping typical!

I don't know if this is reckless but we adopted a kitten today. My DS is so excited and so happy! I think he will love having a pet, it will give him something to love and play with and help us feel at home I'm hoping. He's kissing his kinder friends somour kitten can be like a little friend. I've also set up two play dates with his kinder friends coming up so I think that'll help 😊

I definitely would - I love all of your ideas absolutely great. I think we will start doing the box thing to help the connection. We don't have to be seeing them physically as long as we remember them and keep them in our thoughts, I'll suggest it to them when we speak tonight. Can I ask did ou move to aus? How long have you been here?

I'm hoping things improve. I've said to my DH if he continues to be unsettled there's only so long we can go on for.

Missing his kinder friends that should say*