I think I'm coming home but DH stays ..Anyone else?

[Wehavetogoback]

So I posted probably 3-4 months ago about how much I hated being where I am ..I've made the decision to return home I think for my mental health I need to get away from the isolation.

My kids will come back with me but for financial and career reasons DH should really stay and finish the remainder of his contract . It at least try

Just wondered if anyone else has done this part me thinks I can do this then I have a wobble ..I believe we have a very strong marriage but there is still the what ifs ...I will not go near the relationships board for the foreseeable future!

OP, do you children go to local schools or is the expat population big enough for them to be at international schools?

Can you visit in the holidays? Lots of expat children board and only see parents in school holidays so for them it should be ok. The only thing to be aware of is the impact of you and your dh developing independent lives, and having to relearn how to be a couple who live together 100% of the time, when he does come back. I saw this with my parents and it was a struggle for them - in part I think because they hadn't anticipated what it might be like to "reintegrate".

I'm coming back in July 18.
DD (youngest of 3) is in Y11, so she'll do her GCSEs and then UK for Alevels. My older two are back already.
I'm also in Asia, DH will stay for 2 years while DD3 does her Alevels and then we'll think again. We are in Asia, but his parent company is in the UAE, so he will ask for a transfer there on a batchelor package (much shorter travel to UK for visits home). If they won't do that he'll stay here.

I'm desperate to be home. Like you say, every day seems like a week, can't believe it's only Oct.
I'm already going through stuff (14 years of accumluated crap) , and mentally figuring out what to sell/ship/donate etc.

I came back this summer with the DC. It is bloody brilliant to back DH is staying put but nothing like 17 hours away. 18 months is nothing to your marriage but it is very long if you are isolated/depressed. You are doing the right thing imo.

I’ve done. It for almost 2years . DH got a transfer overseas just as DS had started A levels so we couldn’t move. Fortunately DH was only 7 hours away so could come back every 6 weeks but it was fine. I think the only concern is you become very independent with your own routines so I always found the first few days with DH around difficult . Two years on I have now joined DH and every thing is fine it was definatley the right decision for our family

It is doable but it's tough. My wife is 6726 miles away from me. I look after the kids who go to school in the Uk. School holidays of two weeks or longer are spent in Asia except Christmas (so Easter, summer and October half term). My wife flies back about six or seven times a year. I fly solo two or three times a year so my wife and I can spend time together. We spend a lot on flights. 3 kids three times a year plus my wife and I 6 or seven times makes 20+ long haul tickets. Not cheap at all and paid by us not the firm.

Make sure you get time together apart from the children. The family and couple time are separate.

I have a flexible working arrangement so I get to work from home, in Asia, a few times a year otherwise it would be impossible.

We have done this for two and a half years now. You have a year. Piece of cake!

I always found the first few days with DH around difficult
@tweennightmare is right. There are benefits to being in sole charge. You get to set the rules and the routine which another's parent would disrupt. Some issues though with making all school appointments when your three kids go to different schools and they schedule things at the same time!

Messaging apps are brilliant and shrink the distance but GMT+8 is a lot of time difference to conquer if you have a busy job and so does your partner. That shrinks contact time down.

I’m currently a year in this situation and my husband is many miles away. I’m struggling now to see any benefit, he’s drifting away and seems to have found a new social life and works constantly and we have become second best. My poor boys just 5&6 haven’t a clue how sad I feel about this situation. Interestingly the last year for them has been amazing, they’ve started school, progressed well and we have a wonderful routine in place. All my own hard work and I’m very proud of that!

I’m sad because my husband has missed so much of their lives.. both birthdays, both first day at school, sports day, Christmas plays you name it.. he’s even chosen to spend his 50th birthday abroad working rather than do something with us. (I asked on many occasions to plan something together as a family and he just kept putting it off).. I’m actually starting to think why bother, he home this weekend for 2 days, I can’t even be bothered to have that conversation because I feel dead inside 😐

Just about to do the same.... 18 months to 2yrs without DH. He'll stay in the Middle East while I take kids home to the uk. Purely for school places and the silly application system to get into a decent state primary.

Not looking forward to it 😧

I did 2 years in UK (I'm a Brit) whilst dh worked abroad, as he was military, and it wasn't worth moving for two years. Those two years have ended up being 13, and will be 15 by the time he moves back to UK. I moved to be with him after those initial two years.

We saw each other every six weeks, but we were used to it with sea time, and other postings away. It is do-able and it can and does work; very well in fact. You just have to make sure you communicate.

I came on to start a post about this today. It has been in my mind for months now.

I think I have reached my limit. I am so full of resentfulness towards my husband, I think I need to come home to save my marriage. I love him but four more years where we are isn't sustainable. I don't have children so I am going to try and do a three month contract at home first to see how we go and take it from there.

My husband is right these are decisions we have taken together, but everywhere else I have always made it 'work'. And I just can't make our current location work for me, although there is masses to recommend it. I'm so tired of being so unhappy that even though I feel I have failed at being overseas and I'm coming home with my tail between my legs. It has to be better than the alternative, which is atrophying in the heat.

I love my husband dearly but love my mental health more!

This times a million!

I think you make it work because it seems the right thing. We go home in 2 years; in fact in 2 years time I hope/plan to be back in my house in Cornwall, and getting ready for Christmas there. Although I have a nice life, I feel that I have lost 13 years of my life being here, and want to get home, and perhaps get a part time job which will top up my NI enough to get me a full record for my state pension, and to supplement our income as dh retires when we go home.

I feel like I am on the home straight now, and that 2 more years is doable.

I know this won't be a popular point of view. I would just be careful with a husband staying behind in Asia. My friend's husband stayed in Singapore, "to finish off a contract" while she went back to the UK to settle the kids into their new schools. It was only going to be another six months, so that seemed really reasonable and not long.
It was a highly paid role and he was very senior in a financial institution.

Whilst alone there, he developed a social life, a new hobby, made friends and met someone else. His head had been seriously turned. Please realise that in Asia (maybe other places too) these middle aged men, who have senior roles with huge salaries, are seen as a kind of God (or honey pot!) and attract a lot of interest from other women, often ones who are young and beautiful. Combine that with a man going through anything resembling a midlife crisis and enjoying their freedom, and it is a risky situation that doesn't usually end well.

In my friend's case, after keeping it secret, withdrawing emotionally from his family, not visiting as often as was planned, he left his wife and two years later basically shows little to no interest in his three teenage children (the strangest thing of all - so awful). They are now divorcing and they have already been to court twice. It's never ending, more appeals coming up. They have hard nosed (expensive) lawyers, lots of work fighting for the finances, assets, properties and it's still not over. In short a nightmare that is so very painful for them all. So sad. This man was a complete arse, but still, my friend (now 50) never, ever expected this awful outcome.
Maybe it's better she's not with him though?

Ha.. my very fear right there 👍🏻

Justme
Do you think that he might have met someone else?

Following... This is something that we are considering doing (me coming back with the DC, not DH having an affair!)