Just so homesick

[writergirl747474]

Hey. I think I just need a handhold. I moved to Oz just over a year ago with my boyfriend. We met on holiday, he's English but has AU citizenship and been here ages. I've found it so hard to settle.

We moved in together straight away (had to for visa purposes) which means we never really "dated" - we went straight from long distance to living together. It's been hard - he's messy, I'm tidy, he snores, I'm a light sleeper, I eat healthily, he likes chips etc. I realise all couples have to negotiate this stuff but I've found it hard without my friends to provide a sounding board.

I feel like I'm an add-on to his life, rather than having my own life. I've joined clubs, exercise groups, meetups etc and made a few acquaintances but no one I could call a good friend.

DP knows I'm unhappy and we agreed to move back to the UK in a year's time when our rental here is up. But I'm struggling. I went back to London for two months in the summer on my own and I loved having my old/own life back. Totally fucking loved it. I was me again. And now I am back here and lonely as hell. I got really upset last night and we are going to talk later tonight.

Things are complicated further by the fact my entire family have booked to visit at Christmas - paid for flights and accommodation - and my niece is then staying with us for a month. So I can't leave as that would mess up their plans/cost them a fortune.

How do I know whether the problem is me and my DP or just living here? i.e. would it work in the UK? If we're meant to be together, why aren't we happy? Sex was great at the beginning but now it feels like a chore (to me). Is it just because I am so miserable? I work at home freelancing - love my job - and don't want to change that so meeting people at work isn't the answer. Is he going to resent moving to the UK with me the way I've started to resent leaving my lovely life to move to Australia?

I'm not even sure what I'm asking but advice from people who moved for a guy would be good, as it seems to throw up different issues that couples who move together.

Footy, for now I'm still in London and unfortunately I have a stress fracture in my foot so I can't really go anywhere. Thankfully, my mother was able to come over and help for a few weeks, but it's one of those times where I really really miss Vietnam where I have a very large network of friends. Things like that can be really hard I was given one of those orthopedic boots and a crutch but trying to navigate and get up and down stairs safely with a visual impairment is not easy. Somebody said that they had done it with their guide dog, I really have to admire them. I am on the top floor in my building with no lift and I live right on a big crossing of Finchley Road. There is no way I could have manage this on my own. It's given me a bit of a scare actually. I just don't have a support network here. My mother is not well either, she just had the vein thrombosis a few months ago and may need a hip replacement. So I can't really rely on her.

Hi return I only speak from my own experience and knowing that once you have kids you put down even more roots. If it were me in your partners position it would be even harder to leave my own family once I have a kid in the mix
I'm married to a Brit and we moved to another country after oz and I spent 5 years begging to go "home"
In the end it has worked out. I made a life here and I'm happy. But for a few years I felt like there was a dangling carrot or goal of a move that never happened and it was very hard
He needs to be honest with you and you need to ask if there's ever going to be a time when he intends to move for u.
I wish u luck and I know u can make a happy life x

I'm in sydney, and also happy for a wine/whine anytime! My situation is different. I came 'home' after 10 years in London, but I still find it really hard.

I miss the comfort and vibrancy of London, but I'm not allowed to complain because its sunny here! But so expensive, so backwards in many ways, and no Amazon... ;)

Anyway, I do have a toddler, but I'm still fun! Happy to join a Sydney mumsnet wine night!

hellokittymania, your UK life sounds very difficult. I hope you'll be able to go back to Vietnam before too long, as things sound much better for you there. Someone I know well is much happier in that part of the world , too.

Hi. Sorry for bringing up this thread again but the struggle continues. DP just seems to get on with his own life with no thought for me and I have totally withdrawn from him.

When I arrived he ran two pub trivia nights a week (in addition to a FT job) and activities/trips had to be planned around them. Fine. Then it went to 3 nights a week, and now he's taken on a 4th one. Everytime I suggest a trip away it's "We can go Friday, back on Monday for the quiz". That's not a "holiday". It's a weekend, not even a long one. Flights are so expensive here it's not worth going to say Perth, NZ etc just for a few days. In my previous life I travelled a lot and I miss the adventure.

Ages ago we bought gig tickets for next week. Now he's running trivia that night but "will jump in a cab straight after". So basically I go to the concert alone, buy a drink alone, wait for the band alone and he may show up for the last few songs. No wonder I feel fucking alone. AIBU to be pissed off?

Family arrive in two weeks. It will either make or break us. He's generally been good about planning stuff for when they're here but we'll see.....

At the start of that message I thought you were going to say he’d given up one of the quiz nights to spend time with you. Not that he’d taken on an extra two!! You should still be in the stage of trying to please each other, particularly as you’ve moved across the world for him. I think it’s important to give yourself permission to stop trying to make this work. You can go home if you want to.

I'm also in Sydney and lonely and miserable! I don't know why, but I am finding it really hard to make friends. I never had this problem in London. I find Sydney people quite conservative and I wonder if I am a bit 'out there' for them. I'm considered 'normal' in London, lol.

I literally don't have one friend. It's horrible.

@khalliwalli

I'll be your friend! I can assure you I used to be more fun that my post suggests. Where in Sydney are you?

I tend to find the friend-needing new arrivals are all 20-something while people my age (43) often have kids.

DP voluntarily gave up on trivia night this week to go out with me but it's a rare occurrence and I've been mega pissed off since trivia night number 4 became a thing.

Go home. Fuck the 'D' P.

Okay. I live in Australia.
I have a lot of male friends, and I'm going to make a sweeping generalisation from too many years of watching them all and bbeinng friends with. But heaps of Aussie blokes fit this stereotype.

Some of them are involved in 'pub life' like your partner. They are amazing guys outside their 'zone' ( like overseas, or in your house) but once they get back home their priority becomes the pub and all the people associated with it. This won't shift with a girlfriend. You would really be expected to go to the pub for the trivia nights. It's very "matey", and all the "girlfriends" are supposed to cluster together and giggle and be friends. So misogynistic.

I've seen this dynamic so many times here and in my opinion - you'll need to get him out of his comfort zone completely to sort things.
Otherwise - go home, stop.torturing yourself.He won't change in his home community. If you love him , take him with you. He most likely won't give up his pub community for you.

writergirl747474, I'm in the northern suburbs. How about you?

Ah it's really not like that. He's English for starters. And most of his mates don't have girlfriends. The ones that are attached have nice partners. And he doesn't drink much, less than me and I don't drink much. He's never late home drunk etc. So yeah a few sweeping assumptions but there are guys like that here.

He does hang out with a couple of football beer bores though, who I try to avoid.

The plan is to move back to London in the spring. I can't wait but he is less enthusiastic (he's from the north of England). I'm definitely going whatever. If he doesn't come he doesn't come.

@khalliwalli

I'm in Bondi. Meet halfway?

Well obviously you need your own life in order to feel settled - whether that in the UK or Australia - but tbh it doesn't sound like you're that well suited. Let me ask you this: If you were in the UK now - both of you - would you be considering ending this relationship? Because you don't sound happy on many levels - but quite simply your relationship doesn't sound that great. Sex is a chore after only one year? That would be a massive red flag for me. Sex should not be a chore after one year. After ten or twenty, maybe, but not after one. Your family are coming for Christmas, so you have to stay for the next two months, but I think you should talk to them when they're over. Get the help and support you so clearly lack on the far side of the world, and ask yourself if actually the best thing to do is to head home and leave your bf where he is - because from what you've said I doubt that moving 12,000 miles in the opposite direction is going to be the magic bullet you want.

I think I don't want sex because I'm miserable.

I guess I'm thinking move back to London and see how the relationship works there. Then at least we tried. If he doesn't like it/it doesn't work he's free to return to Australia. As for whether I'd end it in the UK... Who knows? I'll certainly be happier with friends and family around so maybe (hopefully) it would work. It doesn't work in Australia, I know that.

Well, you've decided to head home - with or without him - and it sounds like this is the only possible outcome for you at this point. Not everyone loves Australia. I think it's a bit of a 'marmite' place. Some people LOVE it and never want to live anywhere else. Personally, I couldn't wait to get home (and I was only there on holiday!)

You are lucky enough to know where you want to live and why you want to live there.

This guy... well, I don't think he's for you. If you were here with him that would be fine as you're independent enough to maybe live separately and see your friends a lot. Over there you're reliant on him and it's just not working out.

Your family will love the holiday, but if I were you I'd be going back with them. Life's too short to be unhappy.

It's not that I don't like Australia, more I miss my old life too much to enjoy it properly. If I was two hours from the UK it would be fine.

I thought I'd feel better knowing I am going home but it's just dragging at moment.

DP does seem to be making more of an effort this week - I think he realises 4 nights out at trivia is too much.

You are home sick because you are missing your family more than the country. You probably could bring your family members and get them to stay in the same city as where you are on OZ. Its not easy to stay in another country away from family suddenly. It will take time. More than a job, why dont you look for any course in a University in AU? Because when you are in Uni, you will actually give yourself a good time to get used to the culture. I think that would be the best solution.

Hi wintergirl,

Just saw this post from a while ago! I wanted to PM you but couldn't click on your name. How is everything going? I read your comment on my post you're heading back to the UK. How are your plans going? Xxx

@WS12
I have sent you a PM x