Adapting to local norms re leaving children alone...France!

[aweewhilelonger]

Hot on the heels of the 'veggie child in France' thread ;-)

We've been in France for 10 years, both children in local schools. DS1 in particular has a very close French friend who lives locally and they've had loads of playdates in each others houses. They are both 9/10 now and DH and I (both British) are struggling a bit with the way that 'playdates' at the friend's house are going.

The friend is 10. He's had his own keys to the apartment for a couple of years now, and lets himself in and out. His mum works FT, his dad has his own business in an office in the basement of the building. So on Wednesday afternoons, for a couple of years at least, DSs friend is left alone to amuse himself in the apartment, with his dad downstairs if he needs him. Naturally he likes my son to come over for company. I don't know the exact details of how much time they spend alone, how often the dad comes up, etc; but TBH since DS has always come back in one piece I haven't demanded a full timetable of the afternoon.

Yesterday though, DS was invited for lunch and to stay for the afternoon. As usual, they spent time alone in the apartment (with internet / tablets / pc / tv) and some time with the dad. DS told me when he got home that he'd watched two episodes of Stranger Things - scary, Netflix show (which I personally loved but don't think it's appropriate for a 9yr old to watch alone.) Further questioning revealed that they are allowed free rein of all the Netflix shows (at home DS sticks to Netflix Kids only - and I don't leave them home alone when they have playdates here) and the internet.

I've talked with some French friends about this, and the conclusion seems to be that this is all totally normal here. French children are left alone at home and allowed out on the streets much younger than in the UK. Age-ratings for media are way more lenient (50 shades was a 12, The Force Awakens was U rather than 12 in the UK) and basically it's nothing to worry about. I do not think that any of this would be considered normal in the UK! So I'm torn between 'protecting' my child (who seems totally unfazed by watching this show anyway) and adapting to what's normal here.

WWYD?

When in Rome...

If he's unfazed I would just leave it tbh. If he has nightmare you'll need to think again.

Just make sure he knows how to contact you in an emergency (e.g. One of them gets hurt).

Sounds like the dad is in the same building, a 9yr old this is fine in my view.

I struggle a bit with adapting to local age stuff. My DS is younger, so it was more about how young kids play out alone here (from 4ish). I let him play out a little bit later than other kids, but now he's 6 and I have totally adapted to him playing out with a group of kids. In fact, we're considering moving back to the UK and I'm worried about the lack of freedom and outside play. So I do think a bit of adapting to local norms can be good. I'd be ok with the kids being alone with the father somewhere in the building. But I'd be concerned about unfettered access to the internet. Netflix not so much I guess, there is at least some content control. But it would be very easy for ten year-olds to see some quite disturbing porn with unrestricted internet. Are the parents the sort of people you could talk to about internet controls?

I should probably add that my DS is my first... Whereas his friend has a 14 yr old sister - and I know from experience that second children start on everything, from sweets to Ipads, much earlier than the first!

When in Rome... that's certainly the easiest option and to a great extent I do want to fit in with local norms as we are not planning to leave.

That's good advice about him being able to contact me. I think what throws me every time is that we only find out about these situations on the spot - and I haven't had time to prepare DS (or myself!). Last year, when they were 8/9, I turned up to drop DS off for the afternoon, to be met with his friend at the door telling me that he was there alone because his dad had gone off to take his sister to an activity. The dad knew what time I was coming so clearly expected me to just drop my DS off with his friend, leaving the two of them alone in the apartment for an unknown length of time. I'd never even left DS alone at home at that point! So we'd never really talked about what to do if something went wrong or he needed to get in touch - it totally caught me on the hop! I confess I lurked outside for a while after that drop off.

I know what you mean - but at least the Dad was downstairs. It is seen as normal here for children as young as 7 to be left alone for hours at a time.

I think you have to do what your gut tells you. I also don't think in matters what country you live in, where you are from or what everyone else is doing.

That scenario could also happen in the UK, would you accept it because it's that family's culture or not? TBH unlimited access to the internet is a completely modern issue and I think that family are getting it wrong. You can't call it a cultural issue as it's been a concern for what ten years?

He cultural issue would the getting home late/independence thing which I would be more lenient about

The leaving them alone is normal, just like walking through town to go to school or for Wednesday afternoon activities like music school - but what your child watches is up to you to sort out with him, then he will tell his friend he can't watch x y or z. You can also tell the friend your child won't be coming if they watch x y or z and they should do something else.

Honestly? I'd find something really fun for you to do together with your son on a Wednesday afternoon so that he'd rather do that than go the friends house.

We've living in France too and whilst I know 'when in Rome...' it's not something that I want happening so I'd make a change.