Uprooted and pregnant

[tilda0]

Hi everyone. The title says it all. I keep wondering why the f I am where I am (my DH homeland). It's a good place to have babies but I can't imagine my life there. It's been 3 years we live there and I'm still pondering where we should go. It drives my DH crazy as I was the one offering to try to live in his country. I'm guessing pregnancy makes me feel even more trapped. When will I feel settled? Will I accept where I live if it's good for the baby? :(

Is it homesickness? I lived abroad for 10 years so I can't quite relate to being homesick. I miss my old life which was in the UK (not my homeland). But maybe I actually just wanna be back home. Oh dear it drives me nuts.

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Why is it that you feel unsettled? Cultural differences? Language barrier?

I live in my DH's country and home town, and do get homesick sometimes. I think never quite belonging anywhere is something that comes along with being an expat.

It took a decade for me.

But here is better for DD and DH is wonderful. It's very hard and having a baby means you are trapped.

It all came together for me when my eldest started school. I met some nice parents who are human and I live in a town with lots of foreigners.

For me, during my first pregnancy I was hormonal and it didn't help that DHs employer was dangling a carrot infront of us to move back to England. We didn't end up moving and today it's worked out to be the right decision.

I think homesickness gets worse when you have a baby - it certainly did for me. Hope you are ok!

DH says we can stay for the first month of the baby's life and then decide. I just think that I'm gonna be super lonely with my baby having no friends and not much interaction with people.
Language is a barrier and culturally speaking it's too quiet for me. I really don't think having kids will help me meeting new people. So yeah, my DH says he will keep the baby and I can travel abroad for culture and friends. How crazy is that : I have to fly for friends, culture and my family. Nice offer?
I'd like to go back to the uk but it's not my homeland, so we would be both expats. But I believe we can function independently there.
Where do you guys live?

I know you're not saying but where is it? Just in case it's a MN hotbed. I had a couple of nights out with MNers here in Canada.

And do you trust DH? Because once is baby is here, you are legally stuck.

MrsTerryPratchett Canadian people seem friendly! But you say it took a decade you to feel settle. I wonder if you are settled because you stayed so long or because you now love where you live. I'm in Scandinavia. I trust DH. Regarding The Hague convention the other option would be to have the baby in the UK or in my homeland. UK would make more sense job wise..

Whereabouts in scandinavia? Im in Norway

Mendingfences I'm in Sweden. How are you doing in Norway? How long have you lived there?

Superficially friend sly! But it takes a long time to make old friends.

*friendly!

Ive been here well over a decade so pretty established. Are you in a city or more rural?

Do the International Women's Group have a group there? Worth a try? If it wasn't for a group of expats with kids of a similar age, my time overseas would've been so much harder.

DH is Danish and the culture is quite similar between Denmark and Sweden. I totally understand why you are nervous. I would be too. It's an incredibly isolating culture because there is just no room for anything else apart from their culture. They talk about being equal and accepting of other cultures but it's just that, all talk.

Are you working? There are some companies that operate in English only which would be so much better for you. Also can you check with your community center for the language classes.

Dear OP,
You have posted numerous times under different names about your predicament. I recognise your turn of phrase. From what I remember, you are French, you met your husband in London and you moved to live in Sweden where he owns a property. You have been miserable ever since and keen to move back to London. I don't know what your financial situation is in terms of employment flexibility etc and I don't know when you are due. However, I am concerned that your deep unhappiness will increase your chances of suffering postnatal depression. It is therefore imperative that you discuss having your baby in a place where you feel happy and supported. It needs to be a choice that you feel you have some control over. Moving back to London late in your pregnancy - finding a new place to live etc - might actually be really very disruptive and exhausting. If you have supportive family in France who you can stay with (parents?), I would move back there just for the birth of the baby and a month or two afterwards. You can then move to London or back to Sweden once you and baby are settled and you have had time to make proper plans. It also protects you from being accused of taking your baby away from his/her birth country if your relationship ever breaks down and you no longer have any reason to live in Sweden.

Agree with Genevieve! It's really not going to get any better unless you give your partner a decisive signal about making the changes you want.
Also are you prepared to possibly do this alone as you seemed to be a while back?
Postnatal depression is not a myth and certainly a possibility in your situation. You need a supportive environment now more than ever.remember he grass is not always greener. If there is a problem in your relationship, it will not disappear overnight.
All the best

Thanks for your concern Genevieva Laptopwirldingharpy
The problem is that I don't whether I am not making enough efforts to make sure I can live happily where I am or if I am so over it. I was the one asking to try to live here. My DH thinks I don't make enough efforts. I can't quite picture myself here too long.
No I'm not going to leave alone. DH is open to a move if I have a better proposition than what we have now - which I don't. I'm due in 7months so there is still time to act. DH is waiting for an answer regarding a job here. If he gets it I think we will be stuck as it's a good situation for us: flat, job.
It's not an option to deliver back home. I can't be back near family for several reasons -they have enough worries right now.
I feel horrible. All I want is to leave where I am but I don't have a real solution. London seems crazy for two foreigners in brexit times. Homeland is complicated job wise. And here I don't want to stay.
Hague convention wise I don't know how much I should worry.

Then maybe do make more efforts?
Many of us here are simply expats for economic reasons. We followed a job because it was the best option we had. Uprooting kids repeatedly sometimes with very difficult situations emotionally, having to homeschool or send them to board, having a sometimes extremely difficult time as the trailing spouse, being in the other side of the planet with hours of time difference and unable to maintain contact with our close circle.
We may find ourselves in hardship postings and somehow we make it work because that is the hand we chose to play.

I am sorry to be so blunt and don't want to belittle your experience in any way. But you did make this choice ( to move there and become pregnant in this uncertainty) and it was and is the best available to you righ know. And your partner will now likely be the driving force for those decisions because it will be difficult for you in the forseeable future to found a job to sustain you all elsewhere. You can't possibly resent him for that.
I found it as challenging living in Northern Europe ( and that was just the Netherlands) as it was adjusting to various places in Africa and Asia. You think you can adjust but it is culturally very different, don't try and push that aside.embrace and cultivate your difference. Find french and British families to socialise with. Look up the local international schools and see their calendar of events, where they congregate etc....
There is always a way. Keep looking. Act on it.

I really feel for you.

Honestly, I don't think Brexit makes any difference to being in London now or in the future. It is a hugely international city and people will continue to move to the UK from all over the world. So don't panic and think you have to get back here before Brexit incase you lose your chance.

However, I do think the young vibrant London you knew and loved is very different from the London you would know as a parent. I know a number of foreign nationals who have really struggled to integrate as mothers in the UK (including in London). People might be superficially friendly, but actually making good friends can be really hard when they already have their support network of family and old friends around them and you don't. The grass here might look greener than it really is.

Laptopwieldingharpy yes I did make this choice. I was pressured age wise regarding pregnancy. I went to different types of events where I could potentially meet expats or people of my field. People here don't have the same curiosity. I simply can't find my team. We originally left UK because I had the feeling that it might become complicated to be two foreigners. We actually didn't move for jobs but for a flat. I have never said I was going to stay forever here, I wanted to give it a try. I can't deny that this country is organised and has a good reputation.

Genevieva I never was the type of person who goes clubbing. In London I was embracing the cultural scene. Some of my friends are settled and bought a house. Not everyone has left. I have panic attacks at night. I imagine myself always alone with my baby. Nobody to come visit me. Not a single friend. Maybe it won't matter and I will be happy to be a team of 3?

I also wonder how to accept that my baby won't have my language for mothertongue. It took me a long time to feel at ease with english. It sounds completely alien to me to have the third language as first language for my baby.

Hello love

Just popping my head up to give you a virtual hug.

We moved to NL around 8 weeks ago and things aren't really going as well as we'd like or planned.

My baby is due 18 October and we are putting a contingency plan in place to return to SW London in Jan unless certain things change (practical stuff like jobs/house sales etc).

I know how very hard it is to not feel isolated; I'm a very sociable and gregarious person who is trying very hard to get out there and meet other mums (I have an 18mo DD) and mums to be. It just all feels so hollow and temporary right now and I'm actually hoping for a return to the UK within the next 8 months or so.

Don't know if I'm helping very much but I understand where you're at. As genevieve says, be careful re support network. If this baby is your first please try and use the time you have now to research new mums groups/coffee mornings locally. The worst thing is being stuck at home with a new baby. X

Thanks TheLegendOfBeans
8 weeks in NL and you already want to leave? I felt similar after two months here. But some things keep me here: safety, quality of housing...How is your husband reacting to the move back to SW? I hope everything goes well for you. Is your husband from NL?
It's very hard for understand if I really will never adapt because I'm lazy, or because I really don't like the culture. I am absolutely not excited in perfecting the language. My husband complained about it today but he doesn't speak my language either. I can never relax and have a chat in my language.
It's my first baby and I struggle to know how much support I will need and who to have around. I really don't want to meet new mums here unless they'd be foreigners too. I don't quite get along with the local women...
I have 2 contacts here, almost friends, they both have toddlers.