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Living overseas

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Original poster

DH pleased we are going back to the UK, I have a lot of misgivings.....

27 replies

fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:05

nutshell - been in Europe 10 yrs because of his work (this country 7 yrs) and work has come to an end. He cannot find work at the right level as he does not speak the language, I have also been unable to find work even though I speak the language fairly well ( there is a pretty rigid job market here).

I entirely accept we cannot stay here and even though I and the children have learned the language (9 and 8 and fluent, which they will probably lose) I cannot call it home even though I do love the quality of life here.

We have been spoilt, nice house (rented), good school, good weather, woods on our doorstep, easy commute to work......and then I think of those things in the UK and I shudder......

Yes there will be positives to going back - for the two of us (I have real doubts that the children will gain very much at all as we already see a lot of the family we have (all on my husband's side). We will be more sociable, I can find work, join the national trust and given my name, enjoy my favourite food Smile.

BUT - the schools, housing, weather, outdoors, commute to work...Shock.

at the moment we have no idea where it will be as there is no job but MIL (widowed) would like (as she has made clear) us to live as close as possible to her Shock.
come to think of it, no wonder I feel so bloody depressed.........

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 12:07
Flowers Just looked on Right Move and no nice houses near your mil!! Plan b. . . Somewhere that appeals to you and dh and the dc instead. .
user1477249785 · 09/05/2017 12:09

Isn't this one of those things though where you don't really have a choice so now you just need to throw yourself into making a success of it? I'm not saying that lightly: we are also moving back to the UK after a wonderful few years overseas that is coming to and end when I'd rather it didn't. But I can't change that so all my focus now is on trying to set us up well in UK and not focussing on what I will miss here.

Good luck - I know it is tough.

Closedenv · 09/05/2017 12:19

Excuse me for joining in but I'm in the opposite position, DH and kids want tp move abroad but I'm very reluctant. I just see it being costly so I can't see the advantages. In your situation I would suggest you focus on all that is good in the UK and where you might find work and not on the area where your MiL lives!

Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:20

If only it were that simple just...

Yes user 1477 etc you are right. I guess it is the not knowing where it will be, the stress I feel (only me) of being pressurised (as I see it) by MIL and the whole process of packing, moving, finding somewhere to rent, finding a good school (that both children can get into), then after a while finding somewhere to buy (that you don't think is ridiculous money) and so on and so on. There is obviously stress involved in there now being no work at all.....

OP posts:
Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:21

DH is keen to be a "good son" and live near to his mother......

OP posts:
floraeasy · 09/05/2017 12:23

How does your DH feel about it?

Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:23

Without knowing where the work will be I am sitting in limbo here unable to plan anything, just with a whole load of stress (who is coming next week btw...Biscuit

OP posts:
user3459859083590890 · 09/05/2017 12:24

What a pity the only thing that is stopping you staying is DH not having learned the language. Is there any reason he didn't do that in his 10 years out there? Especially as your children are fluent?

Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:26

He wants to go, has not learned the language as the company was English speaking. he worked crazy hours so I have done everything to get us settled here and he still feels like a fish out of water ( language makes all the difference) I enjoy the language now, watch the TV etc. he just wants to put it all behind him even though he knows that the day-to-day quality of life here is very good and that will drop in the UK, he is looking forward to the positives (even though he was the one very keen to leave the UK in the first place)

OP posts:
Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:28

The language is a big thing, it is very rigid here in terms of experience and you would have to super, super good at the language (far better than I am). He has worked in an American company working crazy hours so it is no surprise he has not done it (and he expected us not to be here this long)

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 09/05/2017 12:29

Dh needs to be a better dh than a ds. . .

Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:33

I see it as not sustainable for us to stay here and my "fish out of waterness" is also measurable.

It is just the whole bloody upheaval of going back and not knowing where it will be and how long it will take for us to settle and how the children will be and how smothered I am going to feel by his family and so on and so on.

On a positive note I am intending to get my own (heated) shed so that I can retreat to it whenever I need to Grin

OP posts:
NeoTrad · 09/05/2017 12:34

I think that adding the variable of wanting to live near his mother into an already complex decision-making process is wildly over optimistic on your husband's part. The very first issue is for him to find a job. You must then find somewhere that you would like to live as a family, including reasonable schools and amenities for your DC, within commuting distance of work. That is all going to be very difficult as it is. Leave MIL out of the equation Smile

Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:39

Yes and he has said that to me because he agrees that it cannot be a consideration, but it would I am sure be his preference. It is the drip drip of comments from his mother that get me down. She does not seem to understand how unhelpful her interventions are to an already stressful situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
fishchipsandmushypeas · 09/05/2017 12:41

when I voice how difficult that will be I am told not to be so negative....

OP posts:
NeoTrad · 09/05/2017 12:49

No, I doubt your MIL understands that her needs are very low on your list of priorities! Nor just how hard getting the needs of your family met will be.

NeoTrad · 09/05/2017 12:52

Maybe you could try some "mirroring" techniques with your MIL, ensuring her that living near her is absolutely top of your agenda once the necessities of work and school are met. Which is true, isn't it? :)

teaandakitkat · 09/05/2017 12:53

If you live near your mil she wont ever have to come and stay for the weekend.....

NeoTrad · 09/05/2017 12:56

Don't expect any useful advice from your MIL and recognize that her agenda and yours do not coincide.

Cornishware · 10/05/2017 10:16

I found moving back harder than moving away, even though I didn't speak the language when I left and spent the first six months in a total fog. We have been back two and a half years. The kids are settled and happy now and some things are better. The weather is dreadful but the countryside is lovely. I have no communication problems, the U.K. Is very safe, I could write quite a long list. That said we are looking like we are going abroad again this year, fingers firmly crossed, as we have decided that overall it works better for us, (mil is not happy!)

juneau · 10/05/2017 10:24

Seven years is quite a long time OP, so it's not surprising that you feel quite settled and unwilling to move back here, and that's before you through in all the uncertainty, hassle, expense and family pressure.

However, as someone who lived OS for years, there are a lot of things about living in the UK that are great and I'm glad we moved back. Yes, the weather can be crap - particularly in winter when it's grey and gloomy - but it really is nice is have everything in your own language, to know how to get things done, to be able to put down roots. When we lived OS I always knew we'd be moving back eventually and so it was always hanging over us. It's nice not to have that any more.

With regard to your MIL, well jobs for your and your DH will dictate where you live, as will suitable schools for your kids and an area of affordable housing. However, being maybe an hour or so from her is not such a bad compromise - close enough to come for lunch - but not too far that she has to stay!

juneau · 10/05/2017 10:24

*sorry about typos!

fussychica · 10/05/2017 16:46

We sold up and moved back after 8 years for various reasons. DH was dead keen, me much less so. Now, after 6 years in the UK, he would like to return abroad and I'm not so sureHmm.

We are early retired so fortunate that we can now do what we want as no longer have jobs and schools etc to worry about. Our current solution is to divide our time equally between the 2 places. Not sure it's sustainable long term though.
Hope you find a solution OP.

LillianGish · 11/05/2017 08:42

You need to approach this in a different way - first of all your DH (or both of you) need to find jobs. Where does MIL live? What does DH do? Is it likely that there is much work near her? In your situation I'd be much more worried about being out of work and affording somewhere to live than the proximity of your MIL. If you do end up near her then as others have said at least you won't have to have her to stay - a big bonus for me when we moved back to the UK for six years after ten years away was being able to see people little and often rather than for long stretches. You've already listed many positives for moving back so you need to focus on those - just as you would with any move abroad. It doesn't sound like you have much choice - you need to make the best of it.

scaryteacher · 12/05/2017 10:16

I moved back for 9 months after 7 years abroad, as I needed to sort the house out, and it was how it panned out with dh retiring from the Forces, and then moving over the civilian side of the organisation he had been working at. I slotted right back in with no problems. I had to be dragged back abroad, and an so looking forward to moving home again in 2019.

It was great being in the UK and not trying to work out which language you should use to address people; not having to do priority from the right when you drive, being able to nip to the supermarket on a Sunday if needed, all official communications being in one language, not one in French and one in Flemish, as sometimes happens here.

I have a great quality of life where I am, but frankly, my Mum is getting older (she is 77 this year), and the longer I am away, the larger the gap in my CV, and I would like to get back into some sort of paid employment when back in UK, whilst dh will be retired and off pursuing his hobbies.

Our ds is at uni, so will be off our hands hopefully by 2019, and we do have our own house to move back to, which makes our situation easier.