Housemaid stuff....

[yallamamma]

In a nutshell, how much do you take for granted with your nanny (e.g. DON'T leave 3.5 yr old alone watching TV while you take the 9 month old out for a walk), and how much do you need to spell out (DON'T feed the baby your chocolate chip cookies please).

I am kind of at my wits end. She is lovely, loads of experience, and great at everything domestically, it just seems there's no end to the stuff she deems it okay to do/not do with the kids. I have gently laid down the rules, but then something else weird or new happens.... How is best to tackle this?

How much are you around? You say housemaid not nanny.

A relative was brought up with live in servants but they were only used for odd babysitting and chauffeuring kids to school. mum did the minding.

By the sound of it, she's hired domestic help, NOT a 'nanny', probably from a different culture and is not necessarily going to see eye to eye with you on childcare norms.

I'm here most of the time. Occasionally kids are left with her while i run to the supermarket/shower in the morning. She essentially nannies the littlest when I have errands to do of a morning, or when I collect the eldest from nursery.

I'm getting a bit nervous because she is due to switch to more of a nanny role when I go back to work soon. I've basically prepped a guidebook for her, but feel this seems a bit patronising.

Use the time - unless you can get a nanny - to have her shadow you with the kids rather than leave her alone with them. Ket her observe and see how you do things. Is there any issues with language?

And if the shadowing doesn't work, you'll need to consider hiring a qualified nanny or putting your baby in a nursery. Obviously I don't know your set-up, where you are or the nationality of your domestic help, but I saw an awful lot of expats when I lived in the ME hiring a Filipina housemaid who had children of her own in Manila, but who had barely been able to parent them, because she'd been overseas trying to support an extended family on her wages since they were tiny, and not making any allowances for this, for cultural differences, or for the fact that the maid was not a nanny.

We have a similar setup here, so I know what you mean. I also suffered agonies telling my helper what to do because I suppose I just feel weird and embarrassed about having full time domestic help.

I basically just had to get over myself and communicate clearly and directly. I think your guidebook sounds great. Get her to do some tasks with you and generally be around you with the kids. Be clear it's because you want her to learn how to do things your way. Obviously, I don't expect my helper to do the exact same as me all the time and I'm happy for her to have her own style but there does need to be a certain level of competence and trust for that to work.

A helper or mais is isn't necessarily a child minder though. Just as you would so here, be sure you are confident that she will look after the kids as you would wish.

yes we are in the ME

DD will go to nursery from August, just a bit worried about the months in between. I know I have to sit down and go through it all, spell it out, I just hate having to do so.

I'd have loved to hire a fully qualified nanny here, but they just don't seem to exist (well they probably do but the cost would defeat the point of me going back to work)! Most helpers have a split role between domestic work and childcare - fine when the kids are a little older, but a bit more worrying when they are so young.

But would you leave your child with a childminder/nanny who left a baby alone while she took out a toddler, or who fed a baby chocolate chip cookies, if you were in your home country?

When I lived in the UAE, no one I knew really viewed their maids' role as involving substantial childcare - maybe that has changed since I left, but I still think you shouldn't be swayed by what other people do. Do you and your maid share a language you both speak fluently? Are you sure she is able to read your guidebook? Is she trained in child first aid?

TBH, it does sound like she has little common sense and that would bother me.

We are in Hong Kong and it's very normal for helpers to do childcare. There's not a nursery childcare industry like there is in the UK, so if you work you will probably have a helper / grandparents or a combination of the two.

Most helpers are caring, sensible and perfectly able to take care of children. You definitely need trust and clear communication. If you are having these doubts about your helper, you need to also think about alternatives.

I suggest you are very clear and explicit with your expectations. I have realised that in some very different cultures you can't assume similar expectations. eg- coming home after a quick trip to the shops to find my nanny sitting watching my 1 and 3 year olds lighting matches.... ! I also spent time showing her how to play with them as this did not come naturally.

to find my nanny sitting watching my 1 and 3 year olds lighting matches....
Bejesus