Really struggling, 4 months in

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

DH, DC and I moved abroad (within Europe) in January and I'm really struggling lately.

I can't seem to make anything work. Today, DC and I missed a flight back to the UK that I was really looking forward to. We were tagging along with DH (business trip) and if we'd made it, we would be home by now. Instead I'm back in our rented place, with our toddler, no food in the place, alone and upset.

I am just feeling really low. Everything I try to do fails and I feel like a bumbling idiot. I get things wrong at the supermarket (there's a system here I can't seem to get used to), I can't sort out childcare for DC. I can't even figure out how to use public conveniences - the other day I was walked in on, for a whole shopping centre to see, which I found so embarrassing - I cried on the way home because my emotions are on such a hair trigger right now.

I feel constantly embarrassed because I get everything wrong; awkward because I don't speak the language; misunderstood (not linguistically - culturally); and frustrated because I try really hard, but even the simplest things seem to be beyond my grasp.

Just wanting to offload I guess. Anyone else felt like this in the early days? I barely recognise myself any more.

Four months is absolutely the worst time! the novelty has worn off, people have stopped emailing or phoning to see how you are getting on. You feel like you should be on top of everything, but in reality you are only just finding out how much you have to learn.

OP, it really really isn't you. We have all been through similar, and being the trailing spouse is particularly hard in this regard: your DH will have more help settling into the new work place than you do at home, along with adult stimulation and conversation given to him on a plate.

Can you work out your priorities for getting yourself into a better place? Eg if learning the language is the main obstacle, can you find a way to practice conversationally as well as your formal lessons? If it's finding other people to talk to, what toddler groups are out there? (Unless you are really in the sticks, I would wager that there will be at least one other foreigner there - and even if your background isn't the same as their's, it can still be helpful to share your "this country is mad, why do they do this?" moments with someone else who gets it)

Hi everyone - thank you so much for your kind words.

It's really helping to know that I am not alone. Sorry I disappeared again. Decided not to go on the trip as it was just too expensive to re-book. I've been really disproportionately down about it! I had a really lovely day of treatments booked - was going to make the most of having a bit of childcare.

My husband has had the patience of a saint. His solution tends to be "just spend the money!" but I just keep thinking "but that means we won't have any to do all the lovely exploring here that I wanted to!" Does that make sense?

I agree with deploy, OP. While agreeing with everyone else's advice about the four month period being a particularly awful spot, and what you're doing, especially with small children, often being difficult anyway, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you just hate where you've moved to. I've certainly done that on two occasions, just said it wasn't working for me - on one occasion, DH agreed absolutely, and it was a joint decision to pack up, on the other, he would have preferred to stay on longer, purely on work grounds -- and we ended up moving to the UK (where we're not originally from).

I also agree the 4 months is a classic slump time. Any excitement and adventure has worn off - and it gets exhausting having an adventure every day - but you haven't been there long enough to feel comfortable.

Have a look at Expatica dot com. I hope your country is also featured in it, would be a great help to you. They cover every subject under the sun.

Hi there, I have been through this many times and I will never forget the first two years I was in Vietnam. I was only 23, new nobody, Didn't speak the language, and I have a disability in a place where you rarely saw anybody on the streets with a disability who wasn't asking for money or selling broomsticks or lottery tickets. Social media wasn't a thing yet and I had nobody to relate to and the worst thing was that people did not even believe me. It was so so hard.

Start small. Internation's is a pretty good website I have found and if you have a newspaper geared toward expats, sometimes there are events and classes listed in there. Look on Twitter and on Facebook if you have them. You can usually find groups for ex-pats.

There are quite a few language resources available on YouTube and if you Google lessons in the language you need, you might be able to find some free lessons online. Be patient with it And you will eventually get it. It took me six years to be able to speak Vietnamese to a high-level. It was very frustrating, but the key is to just learn a few words a day and keep practicing them. Do you know how to ask what something is called in your language? If you know that, and can find a friendly face, just point to the object do you want to know and ask them how do you say the word for this in your language?

Remember, you always have us to talk to when you get lonely or stock. All of us have been there before.

I live abroad and have done so for a long time - 4 months in can be a really really tough time. Basically what humphump says exactly. Hang on in there! It'll get better.

If you can try to learn the language it really will help? Will also help you to meet other people in a similar situation to you.

Guys I just wanted to thank you all again for all the wonderful advice I have been given on this thread. I didn't really take it in at the time - all of the excellent resources people have listed, all the personal stories.

The update is - childcare finally sorted. I feel a great weight lifted because of that. I'm just crossing my fingers that DC settles in well.

Language-wise - I'm progressing, but slowly. Today I had to blink back tears in class because I felt like such an idiot for one particular exercise. I find being back in a classroom really quite confronting, which I wasn't expecting - sometimes I get hot-faced an embarrassed, but the teaching style here is quite forthright and they just sort of steamroller over you. A lot of the other students are much younger than me, and seem to be able to shake it off when they get stuff wrong. I on the other hand, am completely unable to get things wrong publically I really do think I need to sort my mental state out, I still feel like I'm falling apart.

But it's summer, and everything feels a bit easier for that reason. We have a place to live now, which is also great.

As OlennasWimple says above, people really have stopped writing to see how I'm getting on. Feeling quite disconnected from home, and it's the unexpected people who aren't getting in touch (my best friend being one of them). Feels a bit like a bereavement.

Just wanted to add the app 'ear worms' is AMAZING for language learning. There's loads of science / research but it's basically learning g how we do as children to beats and repeated key phrases.
Well done on sorting the childcare out :)

How are you going Op? I can feel your stress coming across and while it is understandable I'm sure you don't want to feel tearful and stressed. We moved to Australia and I'm so glad we did not have to learn a new language to get on over here! Good luck to you x

Hi OP. If you are in Switzerland I would be happy to meet up with you. What you are going through is normal.

I wouldn't have wanted to learn my language in a robust classroom setting, I was far to nervous to do that. I had individual lessons and also a friendly group setting with a tutor, we went out and practiced ordering in cafes, went to cinema etc. I tried one tutor but she made me feel very stressed and tearful at times. I was so glad that I found another. Maybe looking for other learning opportunities would help? You are probably learning a lot more than you realise.

You are in the worst bit time wise. It will get better. Just aim to do ONE thing per day. Nothing else. Build everything else around it be it a language class a coffee what ever. One thing and One thing only. If you are brave enough reach out to other expats. I guarantee others have struggled too and will be willing to help. Good luck!

DownUdderer thank you for your message. How is it going in Aus? Are you in Sydney?

I am doing ok - I think the main thing for me right now is sadness that my best friend is being so distant. Even before we had moved, we'd been growing apart, and when I told her we were moving she didn't really express any emotion. Not that I want her to be sad, but it seemed a little strange that she was so unmoved by this thing.

Abricot thank you, that's so nice. I'm not in Switzerland. I've been meaning to say - sorry all for being cagey about where I am. I have met a few people here and it's quite a small city so I'm weirdly paranoid about people here recognising me and knowing all of this. I know some of them are on MN and I don't really feel like crying to them in real life...

Crochetthedayaway that's actually really reassuring to hear I'm not the only one. I hate being called on in class. My teacher keeps saying "you must speak the language!" as I always reply in English, but I really don't feel I am being given the tools to form sentences that a human would actually say! I am currently looking into another learning option that I'm hoping will suit me better. But I do need to study more - that's my main problem. I'm disappointing myself to be honest. What a wonderful opportunity to learn something new; why am I wasting it?

wheresmyphone that's good advice. I do sometimes try to take on too much. But then other times I feel incredibly lazy.

Well done for sorting childcare.As others have said it is not easy but I think ultimately accepting that you are struggling and realizing that you are not alone in that will help. I am about three months into living in a different area of a country I've lived in before but am still feeling as you do. Don t feel lazy if you don't feel up to tackling something, adjustment takes energy so allow time to rest and indulge yourself, e.g. I listen to radio 4 for instance as it is "normal" for me. I would also spend the money and replay your trip. Good luck.

Replay!

Replan even!

Hi OP,
I've also recently moved to Europe with a toddler after being in China for 3 years and Kazakhstan before that. It has been much harder than any other move I have made! I think part of it is that there is an expectation that I somehow need less help and support because it shouldn't be as foreign to me, which is actually nonsense! I also have found it quite isolating with a toddler because I can just go out and explore as I would if on my own. That always helped me get used to new places in the past. Getting childcare sorted has been the most important step I have taken so far in getting settled! Give yourself time to be a tourist. I would even say that might be more important than language class at the moment. Learning a new language is highly stressful in the short term and it will take awhile for you to reap the benefits. What you need is something to help you see the positives of your new place now. Get your other half to help with the chores at the weekend and carve out time for you to do something for you, even if just walking around your new town for a bit. Stop putting pressure on yourself to make everything just like home right away and embrace that things are going to be new. It takes a year to feel settled in a new place, I find, and year 2 is usually the best! Good luck!

mylaptopismylapdog great idea about Radio 4. Something about the fact that's it's 'live' is so nice... must start listening.

Alteredco thanks so much for saying that about learning a new language. People here are quite upfront about asking if you're learning, and seem to think you just have to go to a few classes and you'll be off and away. I do feel a bit like... "yes, I'm learning, but it's going to take ages before I can actually have a conversation". The words just aren't staying in my brain!

Could you use Babbel online to practice language at home just talking out loud to yourself. I started using it to learn German for fun and was surprised l could do it as not great at languages. I really hope you settle in better soon.

If you're in Europe then I strongly recommend buying CDs from Amazon. I bought the beginner's guide to French for DS (aged 10) and we listen to it for 10 mins a day in the car on the way to school. He can now ask where the cafe is, follow directions and order a hot chocolate. As with you, his teacher seems to fixate on furniture and windows so he said that the CDs were useful in that they teach you stuff you really need to know.

Babbel and CDs - excellent calls.

I have been feeling much better lately, but I'm feeling low tonight. We had a very lazy day, to the point that I'm feeling like we are wasting this time in a new country. Bickered with DH, am awake farrrrr to late, and next door are having a party. It sounds so nice - and is making me realise how lonely I am. I'm half tempted to go and knock on their door and invite myself in.

I usually consider myself quite a loner, but I guess even I have my limits... so many evenings in. I feel much older than I actually am.