Need advice please about helping dd navigate house/city/country move

[Earlybird]

I'm looking for advice from those of you who have moved cities and/or countries.

At the end of this school year, dd (currently 6 and in year 1) and I will be moving out of the country for the next 1-2 years. We will be moving 'back home', so it's a familiar place and there are lots of relatives in the city where we'll be. After that time, it is likely (but not guaranteed) that we will return to London to live (and dd would return to her current school).

DD loves her school and friends here, and will be sad to leave - as will I. She is aware that the move is happening, but it isn't 'real' for her yet.

What can I do to prepare her mentally/emotionally for the move? Would love to hear any experiences of how/what any of you did in the lead up to departure/saying goodbye. Were there positive things that you'd want to repeat, or in retrospect, things you wish you'd done differently? How did you tell classmates, and did you say goodbye in any sort of special way? Did you do anything to stay in touch with school/friends (other than the obvious)?

I think we'll both have our hearts in our throats on the first day at her new school, so would love to hear suggestions of what you did to help your dc integrate into a new school/city/country.

Are there any books (fictional or practical) that might help with the emotional and practical aspects of this?

It is dawning on me that I need to start formulating a plan to help dd navigate this big change so that it is positive and exciting, instead of traumatic. Thank you.

Little book for her friends to draw a picture in, write something that she can keep

In terms of new school, make sure they have arranged a 'buddy' for her to help her around her first few weeks (till she's found her feet)

Other than that, the families who go abroad here for a year or two often come back on holiday in that time and pop into the school to say hello and arrange a meeting in the playground or whatever to say hello and catch up so if you come back in that time, remember to pop in (if you think you'll be coming back)

fox - really like the idea of a little 'message book' - might even see if I can put a photo next to each message.

bumping for anyone who might have thoughts to share...

I've been doing some work on this for my college course (as we are planning to move abroad next year). I dont have a loto of practical tips but there is a book I came across called 'Third Culture Kids' by David Pollock, and it is really interesting in learning about the challenges of living between two cultures. Not sure if this is of any help to you, but I thought I'd oint it out as I thought it was very interesting. It is written from an American perspective, and includes looking at kids that have to move because their parents are missionaries, in the military, international business etc.
Just thought it might be a useful resource.

Thanks for that suggestion harrisey. Will look into it.

Someone else suggested the idea of taking a map and photos of new city/home into classroom show and tell so she could speak to her friends about it. Think I might also circulate our new address to classmates, and was considering giving dd her own email address under my account.

Any other thoughts much appreciated.

My friend has just left here (Budapest) to move to Asia with her 3 children - Yr 1, Yr 2 and Yr 4. She was amazed at how "clinical" the chldren were in the end. No tears. Totally bemused as to why the adults were tearful!

Ours is an international school so they are used to people moving on and make a fuss of them. The children are going to another international school who are also used to welcoming new children.

We've moved abroad twice and tbh, I haven't really done any preparation re dd. We just keep her informed of things as we go along, what her new home will be like, new school etc. Looking at websites is useful and so is learning a few basic words in the country's language.

We have kept our home in the UK and it's in a friendly area so we have stayed in touch with school and friends via email, plus we visit at holiday times.

Pickford's do quite a good book on moving, mabe you can get a copy from them.

Having just relocated my two for a year to the other side of the world, my advice would be not to under estimate the adaptability of children and to make sure that you always express it as a positive move. Make sure you don't tell them too early and that any reservations you express about moving are done when little ears are not listening. Get them involved in activities as soon as possible. Good luck!

Utterly echo Robin's sentiments - most of your dd's cues on how to handle the move will come from you. If you go into the move being positive then she will be reassured by that. But it's also OK and very useful to chat with her about being a bit nervous and sad too. It gives them a chance to express how they might be feeling and talk it through.
We've had 4 moves in 10 years with at least one more due before dd1 gets to high school so we've had a bit of experience. Tbh, a lot of how they handle the move comes down to personality. Dd1 is pretty introverted and doesn't like change very much so the moves are hard on her. Dd2 is much more outgoing and resilient and seems to go with the flow. Ds hasn't had a move yet.
Our best advice - Let your dd pack a box with her most important stuff in it - whatever she wants - and make sure it is one of the first things to arrive for her to unpack in her new space. Dd1 put all her familiar bedding, special toys, photos etc in hers. Get the new routine going as soon as possible with schools etc. The structure of school is pretty universal and it's reassuring. Go all out to encourage friendships, playdates, clubs as your dd will feel more settled when she has some other children to call friends.
Good luck and hope it goes well.

There is some good advice here. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Sometimes I look at how happy dd is here, and I feel tremendously guilty that I am taking steps to change her world completely. But, it has to be done and I'm sure there will be many positive things that enter our lives as a result of the change.

Budababe - interesting that your friend's children were 'clinical' about the move. Maybe dd will surprise me and just take it in stride? The community we'll be moving to is generally not one people move in/out of with great frequency, so many of the families have known each other for decades/generations. There isn't much of a transitory aspect as happens in an International community, but it certainly should be much easier for dd to 'find her place' at 6 than it would be if she was older.

sue - how old is your dd? Also, if it's not too nosy - when you say you've kept your house - did you rent it out, or do you return to it when you're back in the country? The cost of living where we're going will be less, so I might not absolutely have to rent out our London flat. The extra cash is appealing (hey, I might be able to save some money for a change!), but think it would be comforting to leave the flat intact, and return to 'home' here for visits when we want to. Think that's probably too extravagant for me though.

robin - sounds as if your two have adjusted easily. That's reassuring. Will try not to communicate any misgivings I have to dd - it could be contagious!

Yeahbut - thanks for practical suggestions about talking/packing. I hadn't thought of the 'universal nature' of school structure, and you're absolutely right that dd may find that comforting. I told her today that she won't be wearing a uniform to school next year, so can choose her clothes daily and that seemed a novel and alien concept to her!

I want dd to know it's OK to be sad about leaving, but we're going to a place that is quite nice so there is plenty to look forward to. Who knows - maybe I'll have more trouble adjusting than dd!

Hi Earlybird

Not sure if I can help but we have just relocated abroad. Ds is 11 in year 6 and we have only been here 2 weeks! I would suggest if at all possible see your house and school in order that she can visualise where she will be in the future. As for the friends aspect we had a huge party with adults and kids, loads of games and went out on a high. Ds looks back and says remember when. Its good to know that he the past is postitive qand fun. School in the Uk was very helpful, they made him a huge card and gavce him a football signed by all his friends. Also the class did work on the area we were moving to, in order to help Ds learn more and his friends. I know she is probably too young for msn but we find it a great help for DS although the time difference makes it difficult.
Also we talked about "Our Awfully Big Adventure", its how we adressed the move. I'm sure she will settle in very quickly. DS has found school fine, although the work is harder than his UK prep school :-0 but football is the same all over the world and I' sure girls have a similar common bond (I dont have girls so would hate to suggest anything). You will be surprised at how well it all goes. I just wake each day thinking will today be a day of collapse and regression, but so far so good. I'm led to beleive it usually happens at about 2 months so DH and I have been planning a few little trips and stuff for when that time arrives.
good luck
starmummy

Thanks starmummy and Califrau. Your words go a long way toward reassuring me that 'it will be alright'.

If I'm honest, I'm starting to feel stressed about the whole thing. I've been waking extra early many mornings (5 AM today), unable to go back to sleep as my mind races - on what has to be done to prepare to go, on how our time here is flying past, on how we'll miss it here, etc. I feel apprehensive and anxious. How did any of you cope with those feelings?

Perhaps it is magnified as I'm a single mum (with no ex to consider), so no one to talk it through with....other than the marvelous support I get here on Mumsnet and my shrink (I'm grateful/fortunate to have both). But all the practical decisions/arrangements are down to me and it sometimes feels overwhelming. I keep telling myself to breathe deeply and break it down into daily manageable tasks....

Hey EB take it easy on yourself, this is a huge decision and the fact you have got this far indicates you are doing what is right for you. If you werent waking in the night I would be worried. I kept a note pad next to me so I could write everything down, in the morning I would put it in my handbag, it became a lifeline, if it wasnt written in there then I hadnt thought about it and wrote it down. Ticking things off became very theraputic. To be honest since I knew our move was definite in early Dec last year I have spent the whole time feeling sick and vering from huge highs to almighty lows. And now I dont feel sick anymore, I do of course worry if I shall meet anybody who becomes a true friend the kind you phone in the middle of the night but generally I'm enjoying life and taking it as it comes. I will just ask Ds if he wishes we had done anything differently before we left. he says not, says he was fine with the decision anyway. He was always happy at home in the UK so I dont think he was trying to escape from anything, he always had loads of friends.(lol).
Your DD will be fine, just dont brush the past aside but nor must you dwell on it. Move forward your new life adventure waits for you.

good luck
starmummyxxx

Califrau

LOL at your description of your DS. although I'm sure it was horrendous at the time. Lack of sleep is bad enough but that must have just been such a worry but good news to know all went right in the end.

EB - just a thought does your DD do any classess or after school stuff? When we first visited Dubai I made a special point of arranging for him to go to scouts. It was something familiar, he knew what went on, what to expect, basically some things are the same the world over. We moved out on the 18th Feb (mothers birthday - such bad timing) and less than a month later 15th march he will be off to camp out here. It has made a big difference, something for him to look forward to.

Hello ladies - I woke this morning at 4AM, but managed to doze again until 5, so here I am.

Have got coffee and crept to computer with hope/dread as supposed to have an email from school I am desperate for dd to go to in new city. No word. I want to scream. They were supposed to send out admission decision letters last Thursday! I finally heard from admissions director at almost midnight Friday (UK time) via email that they 'muddled some through the applicant group (for dd's year), but didn't spend enough time on it to come up with clear decisions. We'll continue this on Monday and get letters out then.' Still nothing.

The school issue is immediately why I'm feeling so anxious, as I've pinned alot of hope on the 'right' school being key to a good start in a new place (will go some way toward absolving me from guilt at uprooting dd). If she doesn't get in, I will feel a mixture of upset/bewilderment because she's an utterly delightful child who also happens to be at/near top of her class here. But, there are only 3 spaces available for girls at the new school so competition is fierce. Look, even if we don't get in, things will be fine. But, I hate this knife's edge waiting. Guess it's another day of endlessly checking the computer and jumping everytime there's an email 'ping'.

starmummy - dd currently does a drama class and attends a Saturday morning football run around. We don't go to anything that has the same 'format' as scouts. But, am glad to hear that scouts has helped ease the transition for your son. DD is familiar with where we're going because we spend Christmas/Easter/part of the summer holidays there, so it is not nearly as big a change as many of you have faced. We have cousins around, and know our way around the city so it is not a complete unknown.

Califrau - ah thanks for your humourous tale. You must have been really worried about your son. He sounds a star. I well remember how frantically unhappy you were in Germany so suppose your delight in 'getting out' went a long way toward reassuring him that a new life was going to be better. Are you in California for good (as far as you know), or is it temporary? Btw, we're moving to America (southeast part), so language not a problem.

I have to make this move for finanancial/work reasons. If I'm lucky/clever, I hope to manage things so we can return to the the UK in a few years if we want to. But we may not want to. If at all possible, I want to maintain the freedom of choice in the matter. Today's task? Initial meeting with estate agent who may manage/rent flat while we're away....

Good luck with the move Earlybird, so many more things to think about when there are dc's involved
We moved back to Australia last October when dd1 was 4.5yrs. She was very excited to see my family and put names to faces etc, but we did struggle a lot with her behaviour from Oct to Jan Tantrums like we had never seen before, and whenever she got the slightest bit over tired, tears to the point of sobbing, wanting to return to England and why can't we get on a plane etc etc. As she was starting school here at the end of Jan, I didn't bother with finding a nursery or anything and I think that was a lot of the problem, not having any little friends and that initial period where we didn't have a set routine. In fact I think that affected all of us
Now that she has been in school for about 6wks, things have settled right down and she is back to being the little girl we knew before we moved here. Her days are filled with fun activities, she is making friends and we have a nice routine in place now. dd2 who was only 10mths at the time of the move, has been oblivious to everything but dd1 did take some time and we just had to keep reminding ourselves to be patient......
We still talk about our friends back in the UK and email with her best friend from nursery and she loves looking at all the photos we have in this , where I put some photos of us when living in UK or on holiday in Europe, and then some photos since we've back here.
Good luck!

scully - good point about the importance of routine and structure. DD finishes school here mid July, and her new school (don't know if we'll be private or state as still no word from the private school ) starts mid August. There will be, at most, a month for her to be 'at a loose end'. But, as I've said before, we have the huge advantage of knowing the area having spent most of every summer there in years past.

I think the tricky part for us is going to center around her school life, which is why I'm so eager/anxious to know where she'll be. I guess I can count on an exhausted/emotional child for a few weeks at least, and then hopefully she'll settle into a good rhythm.

By the way - those photo pockets look great. Thanks for the link.

Califrau - I can't believe you got it all done in 6 weeks, and managed a move to a new/unfamiliar country. 'Respek'....as AliG would say!

I'm taking it a day at a time. Making arrangements to sell my car (hopefully a friend of a friend will buy it), met yesterday with an estate agent regarding renting the flat out, and also met with my property developer 'little brother' who came over with his Polish builders to look at how to 'tart up' (or even completely redo) the bathrooms as the 'target client' for my flat/area will want something more flash than my 12 year old bathroom fixtures/fittings. Oh, they also figured out a way to turn the space above the hallway ceiling into an 'attic' complete with pull down steps so will have a great deal more storage as a result.

So, it is all moving along....

Hello, EB. Dd2 was 6 when we moved the first time, then 9 when we came here. I agree that school is a biggie (hope you've heard by now!!) and that it gives structure to their lives. A word of warning about Msn etc; it is great to be able to contact people easily but don't let it become a replacement for real life socialising.

We haven't let our house partly because it seemed to be so much hassle. We have so much junk that we'd need to put stuff into storage and we'd have to replace various bits of furniture to conform to fire regulations (We haven't moved lock, stock and barrel as we've had furnished accomodation abroad). Also, we've been in volatile parts of the world and need a safe haven to come back to if necessary, as well as somewhere for holidays.