Moving to the states

[ExhaustTed]

It's possible that we may be moving to the states and I'm scared! My husband might be changing jobs and that means a move from a cosy village in the south west of England, not far from our families and friends. I don't know exactly where we will move to, east coast somewhere (possibly very urban and busy), but I have so many worries and questions. It's early days at the moment and my head is in a spin. We have three children aged 4-8, and I am worried about schooling, getting them settled, separating them from their friends and of course their grandparents.
Is this normal? Any tips or advice would be really appreaciated.

In the Midcoast - Penobscot bay.

Another Maine Resident here we are in Sanford!

Go Maine!

Sorry to start a thread and then run away. It was a combination of no news from my husband's job and me putting my head in the sand about it all. It's looking more likely than not that we will move, probably in the summer, although lots to think about and sort first.
I'm totally petrified. Is that normal?

Great to see more people from living in Maine! Did you all move from the UK? How long have you been here?

Exhaust It is completely normal to be absolutely petrified. I moved here on my own at the age of 25. I can recall with vivid detail the car ride to Heathrow and the whole flight over because I was petrified. I was in a cold sweat thinking to myself 'What the heck have I signed up for?' 'What if I fail?'. It was paralyzing and that night I had to give myself a shake.

The only way for me to cope was with a stiff upper lip. Never complain and smile. Everyone likes people who are happy.

We moved three years ago to NJ, overall great and the children love it. Make sure salary matches US colleagues (it is very different), get as good a package as possible, and. get your head round tax early on. If you are moving early summer (schools break up early) consider joining a summer swim club - if your children like/want to swim - we did and it was the best way to introduce them to 'America' and gives you some structure and people to talk to from the outset. It's a great opportunity especially for children.

New York here. A big yes to negotiating a good package with decent dental and medical coverage an absolute must. Also push his company on their stance on return trips home, immigration paperwork and who files taxes for you - dual filing in the first year (for the UK and US) is a bit tedious

Look into areas / location and decide whats important - driving is a must in most places, and some suburbs are totally car / mall focused, no pavements etc anywhere

Cost of living is more expensive here; you won't find choice and therefore there is a lack of cheap prices for stuff like utilities, internet provider etc. I also find food very expensive (for meat, fruit and veg anyway) compared to the UK

My biggest piece of advice (which I wish I'd known, sounds stupid now) is that just because the US speaks English, doesn't mean it's anything like the UK. I naively thought the two would be a seamless transition and spent the first few months in a state of wtf

Don't forget maternity coverage if there is any chance you might become pregnant in the US. It is often a separate item from health insurance, and there is frequently a waiting period before any insurance will be paid for maternity bills.Try to get mat coverage that kicks in immediately.

Look at school districts and commuting time very closely - they will both be important. Don't end up in a situation where your H is spending three hours a day in his car. You would feel very isolated and very much as if you were doing all the family work by yourself if that were the case.

If you don't drive, plan on taking lessons when you get there and getting a car. If you do drive, plan on taking whatever steps you need to take to get a driver's license. You will need one for ID purposes anyway. You could get a state ID as an alternative, but I think it would be important for you to drive.

Avail of all opportunities to meet and make friends with your H's future colleagues over the summer when you first arrive. There may well be invitations to BBQs, beach trips, etc. Do it all. Reciprocate. Don't end up with your H's life at work separate from yours.

I recommend going there for about a week between now and when you set sail. You can scout the areas you are interested in with a real estate agent (contact beforehand, preferably with help from the H's employer). You can take a look at schools - again contact beforehand with help from your RE agent. Check for Spring Break schedule so you won't find them all closed. Public schools in the Beltway and environs are usually very good. It would be a mistake to have the same expectations of state/public schools that many British parents do wrt state schools in Britain. The important thing to remember about schools is that you must live within the School District (catchment area) in order to enroll your child in a public school. There are very few exceptions to this. So find a school you like first and then find somewhere to live in the School District. (Private schools usually do not have catchment areas though some RC parish schools operate a parishioner only enrollment policy, generally if over-subscribed).

Don't forget maternity coverage if there is any chance you might become pregnant in the US.

And (probably not the OP, but someone else reading the thread) don't get pg before you go... DH had a colleague whose wife was pg when he was seconded and that was tricky, as it was a 'pre-existing condition' (not sure, but it was a huge international company so I think they simply paid the bills)

Oh yes indeed, Errol.

Avail of all opportunities to meet and make friends with your H's future colleagues over the summer when you first arrive. There may well be invitations to BBQs, beach trips, etc. Do it all. Reciprocate
Yes... I would add, we found that there was a tendency for people to seem very friendly, 'must do dinner' ... and then no invitation was forthcoming. In retrospect I think maybe we were a bit too self effacing - if I had to do it again I'd be 'oh yes, when were you thinking' and get out my diary.

We were in Pennsylvania for a couple of years, DH seconded by aforementioned Big Company. I don't think I'd have contemplated going if I couldn't drive. (We had a couple of lessons when we got there, driving automatic on other side of road - don't know about maryland but in PA you have to do their test within 6 months or so)

'Let's do coffee/dinner/lunch' is how Americans say 'You're a good egg'. It doesn't mean they have any intention or desire to have coffee/lunch or dinner with you. But I agree you should seize the moment, exchange phone numbers and set a date. Or use the phone number to make some other arrangement within a few days of meeting. You are going to have to be a bit pushy and it will feel strange if this isn't really you.

I think most states have a temporary or learner's permit that lasts 6 months. I think it's easier to pass an American driving test than a British one, and it involves far less red tape. You show up at the DMV and take a number, then tell them what you want to do. They will be very concerned that your paperwork is in order - so make sure your visa allows you to get a driver's license. You will need evidence of your legal status in the US along with other documentation showing your address to get a DL.

Took us a while to figure that one out, math!

think it's easier to pass an American driving test than a British one** - the PA one was terrifyingly easy (as in, oh shit, is that all that the other road users had to do?) - a theory test and a slow pootle round a little bit of fake road with no actual real traffic, then stop within a foot of the kerb iirc.

I passed in Missouri way back in 1988 - the examining officer for my road test was a 450 lb police officer with a holstered gun and an actual red neck. I haven't had an accident yet, have driven in blizzards (am a bit north of MO now) and all sorts of wild weather and traffic.

Maternity coverage, by law, is included in all health insurance plans, and all pre-existing conditions are covered. (Thanks to Barack Obama.)

Our current mess of a president will try to dismantle this, but he will likely be impeached before he can make it happen.

Will you be able to work? I followed my husband to a few expat postings where I couldn't work, and his career took off whereas mine has been merely ok. I'd do things differently if I had my time again.

Oh, that's good, pitiless! My info is obviously well out of date on that.

Re work - afaik when I was there none of the other secondees spouses were able to take paid employment (some who stayed on got green cards eventually and then could). I was Ok because I worked for a US company who wanted to keep me, figured out I could work from home, and as I have a PhD it wasn't too hard for them to get me a visa, H1 iirc.... but that was very much the exception. The others (and yes, it was all wives) either had kids or started their family, some did volunteer work and the families as a whole seemed to find it a positive experience.