Help, I can not settle in new country after 1.5yr

[Almondmilk]

Hi,
I feel very helpless today, I haven't slept a wink. I moved to my fiance's homeland with the best intention to settle but I can not get used to it. The climate (cold), the differences and the language are being a true obstacle. It was my idea to come here and now I wish we could leave. My fiance doesn't want to leave although he is not entirely fulfilled here. I totally understand he doesn't trust me anymore as I wanted to come here. I can not imagine myself learning the language more, I have had enough of new languages -complete burn out and total fatigue-.
I ponder moving back to the previous country (not my homeland) on my own and get a job there so we can breathe. ...We were planning on having a baby but I can not imagine myself being unhappy and pregnant. The situation is truly damaging us. It's partly my mistake for not doing all the efforts required. I don't bond with people here and this is not helping to make more efforts.
What to do? :(

thanks for your replies btw

Yes. I'm not married and dd and I frequently go back to the UK without dp. I always take a letter from him giving me permission, plus copies of his documents, her birth certificate and our "family status" document which lists all 3 of us.

Sometimes I'm stopped and asked, sometimes not.

Not anything you need to worry about now, but something else to think about before you have a child.

Sweden is a very difficult country to settle in! My advice would be to follow your gut instinct.

I'd never live there again, unless I have to. And I'm a swede!

In the meantime why don't you try and connect with other immigrants?

@dylexicdementor11 I like international Swedes like you :)
Where are you based?
Sweden is offering us the housing quality and the clean streets right now and this is why my partner wants to stay. That's why I wanted to come!
I have met a few immigrants, I have made one friend. I find that they are usually the most quiet type of expats I have met - either swedified, either they came here because they are a good fit-.
Our option is London which I love for the mix of people but my partner find it too dirty now that we are back to Sweden - he never complained about that before when we lived there.

@VintagePerfumista Interesting! Thanks for the informations. Def something to think about. How wild does that sound to have a kid in the UK, being two europeans ? If Brexit is hard...

Im in the UK and will only leave if I get kicked out! Sweden can be (is) soul destroying. Your partners 'clean streets' argument makes me think he has drunk the cool- aid- 'everything is always better in Sweden, even if it kills you'.

Save yourself before it's too late. Move to a larger city, preferably with a University. That way you can at least find other miserable immigrants to commiserate with! ;-)

@dylexicdementor11
It's so odd because Sweden is pretty and well organised. Why does it kill souls? I actually live in the biggest city...My partner is not even pro Sweden, he leaved 10 years abroad. I guess now that he is back, it's just hard to leave comfort. He doesn't even have friends here...not needed right...

Sweden and Denmark are two countries I could never live in. DH is danish and had lived here in the US for the past 12 years.

Both countries kill souls because everyone is forced into the middle and conforming is highly valued. If you work hard, start your own business and earn lots of money you pay taxes that are so ridiculous that there is zero incentive to go out and create anything like that. With DH, he has had it drilled into him that you must accept what has been given to you. Before he met me he NEVER asked for a pay increase. His employer signed a contract agreeing to pay him base + commission. His boss changed his mind and decided to only pay DH the base salary. DH accepted this without a fight. It was me who insisted on standing up and getting his fair pay. The judge here in the US took his employer to task 5 years ago. Not only did DH get full back-pay but he got 50% of amount owed to as compensation for not being paid on time plus full legal fees covered.

What really shocked DH was that during that case the judge required DH's employer to disclose to DH what his boss earned in salary and bonus what everyone in HQ in his department was making. DH found out that he was earning significantly less than others who were living in a really cheap area in Denmark. We were struggling to get ahead and they were removing benefits from us such as life insurance that would cover costs for repatriating him to denmark should he die while on assignment yet paying him less than a domestic factory worker.

Today, now that they are buying his silence to not disclose the salary discrepancies, DH is really well paid. It also helps that he has done really well at developing the US market. It has changed our lives but it also clearly demonstrated to DH exactly what was wrong with Denmark. It is animal farm all over again. Even the guy above DH's boss said after the case to DH 'Don't forget everyone is equal, some more equal than others....' That is soul destroying.

Bloody move away from sweden. He has a choice. You are leaving. He can come with you or stay behind in his flat in Sweden. You have tried living there and it isn't working. Rather than go back for more studies go to a place where he can find work. If he doesn't want to come with you walk away and let him come get you. Whatever you don't go back to sweden. It is a non-negotiable that you continue to live there.

@Want2bSupermum Thanks for sharing that story. It is indeed very conformist. Actually we both are self-employed and struggling, and of course considering a full time job and family is pressuring us to go that road. What would be considered as a bad job will always be well paid so everyone is 'more equal'. So family encourages us to get any job. As you mentioned, we would almost need to go back to studies. But honestly, I think we are already too old to get employed in Sweden.
We lived in London before so there are sides here that we won't find again if we move back: clean, quality of stuff and housing. I like comfort but I miss the outspoken peeps! Original and interested people. Oh dear, it feels very bad to drag back my partner to UK that is about to exit Europe, but maybe I am exaggerating and everything will be fine.

Thank your lucky stars you are not married to him. Move on and to a place where you can find work plus have a life. If he loves you he will follow.

I agree with the other posters- run away as fast as you can!

Sweden is not a place for people who are not able and willing to conform completely. You would have to sacrifice all of the things that make you a freethinking creative individual in order to fit in.

And chances are, you would still be treated like a degenerate lesser being.

You can probably tell that I'm not in love with my mother country!

Move back to the UK and learn how to smile blankly when brits praise all things Scandinavian!

@dylexicdementor11 You nail it to express the situation and my feelings.
How do you explain that foreigners who settle in Sweden are difficult to bond with? Personally I can engage much more with foreigners here but I find them usually shy or careful. Maybe they are swedified.
Any way, it is so clear that my partner and I are very much on our own and might never make friends here. He is bothered but don't seem to want to go back to 'crazy London' for friends and network. I might have short memory and forget why I left but I don't think it is possible to live in Sweden on the long run and I am not surprised to see so many divorce between Swedes and their foreign partner.