Help - To move or not - 1 day to decide

[highlystrung]

After months of a potential move to the US being on then off, then on again, we have just got back from a week's scouting trip. DH would be working in Manhattan and we (us and three DC, aged 11, 9 and 6) would be living in Greenwich, Connecticut. It's supposed to be a two year gig and we would move in Jan.
The trip didn't go quite as planned. We were all exhausted all week, probably due to sharing a hotel room, jet lag etc. The area was nice but extremely upmarket and I'm not sure I'd fit in. There's no opportunity to go back and look at other areas. We found a house we liked and the kids spent a day in their new school which they all enjoyed. But - despite that, none of them are very keen to go and the middle one is absolutely bereft at the thought. He keeps crying and is very upset.
The trip also threw up a lot more questions than it answered. DH and I were expecting us all to come back enthused and up for the challenge of it all, but no-one is really. I'm very worried that we will have a lower standard of living than we do here. We will see less of DH as he will be working really hard to set up his company's new office over there. He's already away a lot and that won't improve. Our kids do a lot of after school activities and we were horrified at the cost of them over there. My son plays tennis to a high level here and trains 4 times a week. To replicate that there we are looking at having to pay $7 - $10k a year. We are worried that despite a decent housing allowance and school fees being paid by the company we will have to subsidise it to such an extent that we will come back £20k - £30k worse off than if we stayed. There's also the lack of support network, which I knew about before we went but really hit home. Our lives are pretty stressful here anyway and I'm worried it might tip us over the edge if we move - cause problems in our relationship.
If we don't go DH will still go over there a few times a year, benefit from the same stake in the new company as if he went. But will we regret it forever? Is it okay to sometimes think we are best off where we are as everyone is happy and settled. I like adventure but not sure this is for us.

Evening all. Thank you so much for all the replies. DH is very touched that so many strangers took the time to offer advice. We've been doing spreadsheets all evening and have concluded that we aren't going. This is because it's going to be extremely difficult, and maybe impossible, to replicate the standard of living we have here. That's both financial and in terms of time spent together etc. He would be more stressed as it is to be a new venture set up with its success or failure riding on his shoulders, as much if not more travel away from home. I would be more stressed, at least to start with, as would have no support. As things now stand he will go over every couple of months for a week or so, but we are used to that. Feel very relieved. Thanks again.

I'm so glad. I think that's definitely the right choice for you and your family.

Just a word of advice for when you tell people you're staying - we turned down a relocation a few years ago, and had some negative reactions (the whole "but it would have been such an adventure!" thing). We found the best way to handle it was not to get into all the specifics and doubts - instead we went with quite a breezy "when we looked into all the details it just didn't stack up" which seemed to discourage further questions and opinions!

I think you have made the right decsion for your family.

Well done; I too think you've made the right decision. I really felt for you, reading your posts!

It sounds like the right decision for your family.

When we thought about something similar once, we also considered the issue of what if DH lost his job or the company floundered or the job wasn't what he expected and he didn't want to stay ... we'd be on the hook for getting ourselves, our children and all our things back to the UK, and possibly paying certain things back, no cheap feat.

As another poster said, there are always people falling over themselves to rant about broadening horizons, adventures, regretting the paths you don't take blah blah blah. But relocating is tough and with a family, 95% of the time you will be dealing with the same shit, but in a different place, with less support and, from the sounds of it, less money. We are 9 months in to a 3 year stint in the US. It's going OK but it was hard going on the kids, especially the eldest who is 8. Obviously it is a very personal decision but personally I would not have uprooted them if they had have been a few years older and happy and settled at home.

Just seen you have decided to stay! Sounds like a good decision for your family.

Right decision. Two years would have been too short and I suspect you wouldn't have been back in two years anyway, as these things always drag on. Being away from your support network is massively underestimated, as is the time it takes to establish a new support network of friends. We moved abroad three years ago. I feel like we have only had our feet under the table for the last six months with proper friends etc. Moving is a massive stress on everyone and it's not easy on children even if it is great in the long run. There will be other adventures to be had that suit you better!

Can't tell you how much I appreciate your replies. Been a weird day - have had to explain our decision umpteen times. DH and I both quite deflated but kids are v happy. I'm sure we will be fine - just need to get over this flat period. Life will throw other adventures our way I'm sure

I also think it sounds like the right decision: we are looking at coming home when DS is 13, and working out schooling (essentially he will have to go to an independent school, as the state school he would be offered is appalling) is a real headache. For a two year trip, it's not worth the upheaval.