Possible relocation to NY/NJ - I don't think I want to go

[Geobaby]

Hi.
DH has been offered an opportunity to relocate to the NY office of his company. He is super keen to go, but I'm really apprehensive. We have a 6 yo and an almost 3 yo. I have no idea about schools/nurseries etc in the US. Over here, I'm a SAHM with a little online retail business (don't earn any money from it yet). DD2 attends nursery 2 days a week and will be going 3 days a week from Jan. DD1 is in the local (lovely) primary school (y2) which she loves. DH would be working in Weehawken and will be sole earner. Salary will be about $170k before tax. This is all likely to happen around Easter 2017 and will be for 36m initially. We will have to use public school as can't afford private. Can somebody give me an idea of how I even go about finding good schools? DH doesn't want a really long commute (an hour tops). Can we live somewhere family friendly with open spaces (house not apartment) within an hour of his office and with good schools on his salary? Is he being realistic? Is it horribly competitive to get into a public school (by public, I mean non fee paying), and how do we do this if we don't yet live there? Also, I really need DD2 to be at nursery for at least 2 days a week. She needs it, and for my own sanity, so do I.
I don't know whether I am so apprehensive because I'm being realistic, or because I am really risk averse and don't really like change. DH is much more open to new things and sees this as a huge adventure. We have done this once before - upped sticks and moved to Calgary, Canada with a couple of months notice for a year with his job, but in the days before we had kids and we'd both always wanted to live in Canada. I have never wanted to live in the US and have absolutely no experience of NY apart from watching TV/movies! Help!!

Has anyone pointed you in the direction of the Bergen County suburbs e.g. Ridgewood, Glen Rock. Excellent schools, very safe, family oriented towns. Expect to pay around $3.5k upwards a month for a single family home. Ridgewood especially has a thriving town center with many restaurants and shops and is one of the few towns with a walkable town center. Actually easy to live in parts of the town without a car. Trains go to Hoboken, not quite sure how to then get to Weehawken.

Re cars, it is possible to get a leased car as soon as you arrive with no credit rating but you just have to find a dealership and sales person willing to go the extra mile for you. But it is possible

Also no practical driving test required like someone upthread said. Theory only.

I would second Ridgewood. I love that town. Great walkability, tons of restaurants, lovely parks and excellent schools.

I would drive to Weehawken from Tidgewood though personally

Also forgot to add, check out www.njmls.com for rentals.

Although Route 17 can put potential Ridgewood-ies off. It takes a bit of getting used to driving on that road!

I could not live in Bergen county because of the shops being shut on Sunday. The place is a nightmare on Saturday because it is the only day of the week normal people get to shop up there. If you have a job it isn't an easy place to live. I would do Summit/Millburn if you want a house.

Regarding cars, you are better off buying something if you can. Not cheap but much less hassle. VW will give you a lease because no one is buying their cars after the emissions issue they had. They are great cars but ONLY consider something with AWD.

Also do not discount apartment living just for the snow removal. I have had to shovel us out while heavily pregnant and/or with a toddler or two trying to 'help' me more than once when it was bitterly cold. I was cursing like a sailor. When you have snow on the ground it turns to solid ice on the outer layer pretty quickly. Play moves indoors at which point we head over to our friends who live in big apartment blocks that have indoor play areas for kids. DH and I have joked that we should rent a unit for 6 months of the year just for the indoor play area in winter and roof top swimming pool during the summer. I envy our friends who walk out of that playroom and into their unit free of plastic tat.

See, I think the shops being closed on a Sunday is a plus. I wish Westchester and Rockland would do the same thing!

The other plus for Bergen is its proximity to places like Ramapo Reservation and the true jewel in the scenery crown, Harriman State Park in Rockland. Yet it's still no time at all to get to NYC.

And re snow clearance. If you're as determined as Supermum to do it yourself, you can buy a plough for $200. We have one. We still pay someone else to clear the drive because, frankly, life's too short.

Real housewife 23......yes it used to be the case that if one had a foreign driving licence then only a theory test was necessary. However, it has been changed recently and all incoming drivers from overseas must take the theory and practical test (so easy it's a joke....no wonder driving standards are so bad here compared to in Europe).

My Aussie friend lives in Ho Ho Kus in Bergen County and often comes round on a Sunday and we go up to the Short Hills Mall as there is nothing open in the county in her area...it's like being in England 30 years ago!

As for snow clearing....our drive is fairly short so I often do it myself or spouse/son do it if it's at the weekend. If the snowstorm has been really bad they tend to work from home for a day. Schools are closed for 'snow days' and build them into the school calendar.

There are always enterprising teenagers around who are happy to earn a few dollars for clearing the snow in our neighbourhood. Also the guys who do the lawns in the Summer often attach a plough to their pick up trucks and will clear the drive for you (they charge more than teenagers though!). We've even had Mexicans or maybe they were Costa Rican's ringing the doorbell with a shovel and broom asking if we want the drive cleared. We don't have a sidewalk/pavement at the front of the house, so at least we don't have to clear that (the local town councils certainly don't do it in NJ!).

OTOH most suburban towns have townhouses and condominiums where this would all be dealt with....but not sure how many would allow pets and the O/P has a dog.

Thanks again for all the information. You've all given us so much to think about and it's really helpful hearing from people on the ground! His company isn't much help with this stuff, although his colleague that did the move from London to NJ 3 years ago has been really helpful. Their kids were a similar age when they went so they have been able to tell us what worked and what they would do differently. It was useful hearing it from an accompanying spouses POV too. Still deciding, but I think it's unlikely TBH. The main problem we need to have two incomes to make it work for us, so after a year I would need to get a job. Problem is I'm having a total career/personal wobble. I've been a bit of a flake with my career...started in one thing, did it for 4 years (including getting a master's degree in it), and then switched back to my original discipline (a science that I had not worked in previously) in 2009 (after getting another masters) and resigned from that when had DD2 in Sept 2013, having already taken a year out 2010-11 for mat leave with DD1, so not really gaining a huge amount of experience. My experience working for a highly competitive oil company didn't go well...I fell foul of their awful performance review/ranking system and even though I worked hard, got praised to high heaven during the work, was nailed to the wall during my reviews. It seemed that whatever I did, I just couldn't win. This has absolutely destroyed my self confidence and i have literally been dreading having to get back into the work force. But that's a different thread!

I don't think it's enough money for the area and if it meant two of you working full-time, I wouldn't go.

We had a plough and the damn thing broke every single time there was a snow storm. DH sold it for $20 and I was happy to see the back of it. I refuse a lot wider than 20ft because of snow removal and we park in a municipal (city owned) garage so I don't have to dig my car out!

$130k is enough to live in the area with two kids. It isn't lots but certainly doable. There are also lots of opportunities to work. I have friends doing everything from working for their church, nursing, teaching aide, teaching preschool, looking after children during the day and becoming an instructor in a sport or art based activity are all possibilities. I would consider locations where you can survive with only one car.

Also be careful with Short Hills Mall. DH's bosses wife was mugged on her way back to her car after doing her shopping. I don't shop there anymore but go down to Menlo Park in Edison, Newport Mall (not great but does the job) or I buy online.

I agree with Want2b. It is enough money if you find the right place to live. You won't live like Kings but you can certainly live happily. That's exactly the amount some of my US friends are on and they all live in decent towns with good schools and have several holidays a year. There is a lot more to living in the Tri State than uber expensive Manhattan.

OP, is it worth considering this could be an opportunity to reinvent yourself? I only know one "plus one" who is working in the same field they were when they came out here with their partner. They are working in all sorts of places and 5 have started their own businesses which have all been relatively successful.

Whatever you decide, hope it all goes well!

Want2b, the same happens at The Westchester in White Plains and the Garden State Plaza. That's something I found difficult when my kids became teens. I wanted to give them freedom but they need to be a different kind of streetsmart than in the U.K. due to the much higher risk a gun will be involved. Not that any of us have actually seen a gun here but I don't want the first one to be the wrong one!

Sorry I mistyped - $170k is enough here. Take home will be about $11k a month. Moving for Jan 1st is a great idea as makes your taxes so much easier.

I know plenty of families who make $130k work but they struggle and bought their homes prior to 2007. $170k enables you to spend $4k on rent and have enough to run a car, go home once a year (although flight should be paid for by employer) and take a week down the shore (which is awesome) plus afford for the kids to do activities. You don't have to work on that income but the extra income will be nice. It might be an idea to run your online business from the US so you have something when you return.

What could kill you is child related costs if you do or don't decide to go back to work. No preK and half day kindergartens suck and this is common in the burbs, even in good school districts. The reason I put Hoboken out there is that we have a publically well funded PreK which is great. Good preK programs cost about $12k+ a year. DD has gone into kindergarten and she isn't far off from her UK peers. There are gaps but they are small and she is far more advanced compared to kids in the burbs who have not been to a FT preK program. The Hoboken preK program is full right now and they are going to start limiting places in later years but if you have an elder child in the public schools (which are fantastic but don't test well due to other factors) you will get priority to get a spot.

Aftercare in Hoboken for kindergarten and up is $400 a year until 6pm and includes an hour of enrichment plus homework help. Basically they pay for your child to do drama (theatre as they call it here), dance, mad science, chess etc etc. There are 27 different activities to choose from. DD does the river project and mandarin (her choices not mine of dance and theatre with mad science). Out in the burbs aftercare is much more expensive and don't include any classes (these will easily kill you financially). They don't do much activity in school so its important you sign the kids up for sports. Rec sports in Hoboken is affordable compared to other towns. Soccer is $50 for the season and everyone does it. DS is doing rugby at 3 (as he is so huge) and it is free as is lacrosse.

Neville I forgot about the Westchester. I have not been in years after my Dads neighbour was mugged there.

OP - Don't be put off by this chat of the mall situations. These high end malls attract undesirable elements because of the high worth cars and items that can easily be stolen. People have their guard down because they are in a good area. DH's bosses wife was an idiot IMO for parking in the dark corner of the multi storey car park at short hills mall when picking up $30k of pens for DH's employer in bags clearly marking where the items came from. That should have all been delivered by the retailer to the office or DH's bosses home. Heck I don't pick up stationery from staples and that has a far lower $$ value.