Holiday? What holiday?

[Thedrownedsubmariner]

Does anyone else spend the last few weeks of their much longed for and carefully planned annual leave anxious and dreading it?

Do certain sections of family (particularly) and friends use it as an opportunity to score points, whinge, moan, manipulate and emotionally blackmail you into stuff when all you wanted to do was head 'home' to normality for a few weeks and relax without having to second guess every last fucking action!

If so, join me here in the often heard (but never actioned) cry of "Balls to this, we are doing our own thing next year, ungrateful shits!"

We love them really but....

Well, I've not had the pressure yet, but that's because only two people know when DD and I are coming over. We're visiting in the Au school holidays so only two weeks, a converted break after DH died suddenly a month ago. The squeeze, if at any, will come from very kind friends who'll want to see me and DD. Individually. But then I might be posting in two months' time to say how they couldn't have given a fuck. :o :o

I'll hire a car and visit rels in the north but then I'm digging in to London, museums and shopping.

As we always say so presciently after a death: It's what he would have wanted. Oh yeah.

Britain isn't a holiday if you grew up there. It's going home. Which is SO fraught with fighting over your time it's so unlike anything which could possibly resemble a holiday.

Last year I actually spent a week in London so I could see friends. That went down about as well as rabies with my family.

Jesus echt! I'm so so sorry!

Sorry to hear that Echt, I really hope that is what he would have wanted.

Echt

Yes to those saying that you're not 'allowed' to actually do any holiday things!

MIL actually likes to have people sit on her sofa and not move. When her own mother was still alive, and visiting from N Ireland, her mother complained that we weren't allowed to do anything and MIL would have us all sit there and stare at her if we didn't say anything. So true. If a woman in her 90s found MIL controlling and dull (her own daughter!) can you imagine what it's like with a young kid?

My parents are better, but my Dad is hugely OCD/Anxious and very difficult to be around for more than a few hours. Luckily he knows it, mum knows it, we stay with my DSis and do lunches with them so that it works.

And YY to people assuming that we will travel to them and see them one at a time. We're in the country for days - can we not just say 'we'll be at x pub from y - z' and people turn up to see us? We have people assuming that we won't mind driving an hour to see them for tea/lunch etc. We've already travelled 4,000 miles - could they not spare an hour of their time?

But no, we're being unkind if we don't make the effort to go and see them!

Uh yes. Every time we go I have a fight with my Dad because he wants to do a five hour round trip to see my aunt who I've never been close to.

I managed quite a good compromise this year- I work 21 hrs/wk, so I agreed with my boss that I could work in the UK office for a month- I took 1 weeks leave (DH came for that week), did 6 days over the remaining 3 weeks, so went into the office 2 days a week while my parents looked after my DC (6&4) and will make up the other days when the DC are back in school (yes, my boss is awesome).

I've been out of the UK now for 8 years and the longest I've not been back is 18mths. My mum comes to visit every year for 2 weeks, but dad unfortuantely can't do longhaul now, and neither can MIL (health reasons), plus its an expensive flight for DH's siblings, so we do try to go back as the DC love seeing their family and I like to see my friends. Fortunately my family arent guilt trippy, and as mum has the kids while I'm working, I think she's quite relieved if I then head off to see friends for a few days and give them some peace and quiet . I try to make it a holiday for the DC and tbh they love doing English stuff like those family farms that have proliferated (are any farmers actually farming now or is it all jumping pillows and tractor rides?), Paultons Park (which they thought was the best thing ever), Forestry Commission places etc. Went to London and saw a couple of the sights.

It definitely depends on where you go and what your family are like though. Mine are pretty easy going and make a big effort (even though dad still treats me like I'm 10)

echt, I'm so sorry to hear about your Dh

I'm off for a 12 day visit from tomorrow and its just packed from beginning to end. Its nice to see family and friends, and most people are good about understanding that we have only limited time, but its still pretty exhausting (jet lag, long journey from Japan)

Good luck Tante

Echt So sorry - I missed your post when I read the thread the first time. Sorry for your loss and I hope you enjoy your break in the UK.

Thanks for all the , everyone.

Wishing all of you happy (and proper) holidays.

Echt - I'm so sorry, I hope you enjoy your trip as much as you can after such a difficult time X

Well today I booked to go home for just under 2 weeks at Xmas and already my sister is in a strop with me!!!! I said we prob wouldn't have time to visit so perhaps they could come to my parents to see us (plenty of space to stay) but she 'doesn't want to drive' and will be tired from working........ FFS!!!!! Last time we went her DP barely said hello, just sat with TV on and we spent 2 days sitting there drinking tea while DCs got bored rigid!! Yet when they visit us it's constant expecting to be taken here, there and everywhere. Grrrrrrrr

JoandMax - it's a well known fact that we expats love our role as part time tour guides, especially when we get to combine it with our normal full time jobs!

Absolutely!!! And we just love flying 7.5 hours with 2 DCs then driving 4 hours and then another 4 hours a couple of days later and again and again and again!!!!

Echt so sorry for your loss! Hope you have wonderful time with your DD, i just fell in love with London all over again after 11years away.

I identify with so much said here, only i've come home leaving my terminally ill dad behind in Europe. So however detached i've been these 20 years abroad, it's all very raw again.
I am fortunate that i can go back and forth in the next few months and it will be a healing curve for us all. But the bottom line is "it is what it is" now and those who can't or won't make peace will definitely no longer have a place in my life.

I don't have a large family, its no bother to see any of them. I stay with my Mum and visit my brother in the same town and my Dad in the next town over. That's all I want to do. My Mum visits us once or twice a year and we have a great relationship but my Dad doesn't fly so I want to spend a lot of time with him.

It's my friends who make it difficult. Wanting to go out, go for tea at their houses, go shopping, go and see their new baby etc.

I travel 2500 miles but they can't drive 10 to visit me at my Mums. One year I didn't tell anyone except family that I was going, was great, no pressure. This year I did and wish I hadn't. Never again.

Echo, that's terrible. I'm sorry

I agree that going back to the UK when you grew up there isn't a holiday. We make the most of it and always have a great time but it's not something I especially look forward to. I mean, I get really excited about seeing my family and friends, but the rest of it is a bit blarrgh.

Echt I am sorry for your loss.

The annual trip home is dreaded. We normally do three weeks in denmark with my inlaws so never get a break. I have changed that and throw money at the problem. People are welcome to join us. It makes it tolerable. I get 22 days off so I work while I am away. DHs family don't get this.

Echt

We're about to emigrate to the US.

What advice would you all give me for planning a trip home next summer? How to make it easier and avoid some of the pitfalls?

What advice would you all give me for planning a trip home next summer? How to make it easier and avoid some of the pitfalls? Cancel it.

Sorry, couldn't resist! Ime, base yourself somewhere and allocate days and times where people can drop in or meet you locally. If you'll have people staying with you, rent a cottage for neutral territory (so that no-one gets upset about washing up etc). Best thing we did one year was to book a farmhouse in Italy, invite people to stay and have the owner's nonna in to cook every day but it cost an absolute fortune. Book a proper holiday a couple of weeks after you get back or tag one on the end. Best of luck!

Where are you relating to in the USA?

Your neck of the woods Oh.

Cancelling not an option as I think it's likely the PILs may not come to visit (keeping fingers crossed for a change of heart).

Sounds like I'll need to have a military campaign style plan prepared in advance!

We're booking to go back in December and it's started already. I begrudge going more each time. Gah.

I go to book flights and just end up looking at winter holidays instead lol.

Although that's out of the window for a few years unless it's Hawaai because of soddImg Zika virus.

echt I am so sorry. That puts my moaning into perspective.

DS and I are almost at the end of 8 weeks of staying with my parents.
We've had a couple of weeks away, mainly visiting DH's rellies. That was nice.

Still, I do get the feeling that we are not that welcome anymore. Despite them saying its lovely. I just want DS to have a relationship with his grandparents! Am not sure they are that bothered.

All my cleAning, cooking, gardening, dog sitting etc doesn't seem to be enough.

DS is too cheeky, we are too messy ( we are not) and no doubt I will get the lecture before we go about how tiring it's been having us home.

DF is so grumpy. No patience with anyone. I can't start a conversation without it descending into a lecture about my shoddy parenting, my rude son and why I don't live my life to his exacting standards. It would appear I should not have an opinion. Aargh.

According to them, they are still working so I can have a nice life! What kind of crap is this...dH and I have our own lives and income. We live off no one.
We pay our one school fees etc. FFS. I really hate the guilt trip stuff.

On the plus side I have caught up with some friends and had some great nights and lunches out.

I love and miss the UK but actually, am rather looking to go "home"!

to you all.

I just had a great trip back to the UK, just DS and I. I planned the time in advance - 1 week with parents, 1 with in-laws and 1 in London with family and other family. I sent an email out to all involved explaining where I would be and when, no room for negotiation. I left my DS with the in-laws for a long weekend and went and had a fabulous time with girlfriends in the countryside. (This may or may not have ended up with us drunkenly belting out 80s pop).

Other things I have done in the past to ease the stress: hired professional babysitters so I can go out in evenings with friends; have my sister on call early mornings so I can sleep past 5am; do the 'I will be in X park and X pub at X time, come visit'...Generally my friends/family are pretty understanding though so I don't really feel the pressure. We are about to have a long holiday just the three of us which I am billing as much needed 'family time'...there have been no questions and they are in agreement it is good for our son to have an extended amount of time just us three!

Echt I am so sorry for your loss

I have no experience but there was a point a few years ago we were going to move to America.
I refused as I knew that from the very little holiday DH would get it would all be visiting PIL. It sounded shit and I knew I would never even get the chance to travel around the US much.
And there would be the guilt....but we got that anyway