Husband wants to go home

[Stardust11]

Two and a half years ago I was made redundant at the end of my maternity leave. As a woman in her late 30s I struggled to find work and. as the main breadwinner in our household, I was desperate to find another job before the redundancy payment ran out. I also wanted to be back in work so that we could afford to try for another baby.

Out of desperation I applied for, and got, a job overseas. My husband and I discussed the situation at length and eventually decided that the opportunity was too good to turn down. The pay was significantly more than I was earning previously and the move allowed me to keep my career, for my husband to give up work and stay at home with our then 2 year old and have precious time with her that he would not otherwise have had, and for us to be able to try for another child. We agreed that we would stay for 2-3 years but were open minded about staying longer if we loved our new home.

Since then 18 months have passed. I love the additional family time we have in our new life but I hate my new job and I miss my family and friends a lot. We have also discovered that the schools here are terrible and have reached the conclusion that we can only stay here for a maximum of another 4 years.

I want to leave in summer 2017 in time for our daughter to start school in the autumn. Until recently my partner has wanted to stay longer until we have "had enough" as he loves living here whilst I don't although I like the extra family time which it affords us. He has refused to be specific about how long he wants to stay and we argue about it constantly. In a row three days ago I asked him again how long he wanted to stay and how long he wanted me to carry on working in a job that I hate because he likes the lifestyle. This has enraged my husband who now thinks that I resent him for being a freeloader. That is not what I meant but I can see how he has misinterpreted things. He will not listen to my apologies or entertain the idea that there is even a possibility that he has misunderstood and that I do not consider him a freeloader and could not be more proud of him for giving up his job to be a stay at home dad.

Following the row my husband has announced that he is moving back to the UK in two months time to go back to his job so that he is no longer dependent on me. He says that either our daughter and I can go with him or we can choose to stay behind. If we choose to stay behind then he says the choice to end the relationship will be mine and mine alone. He says he does not want us to break up and believes that we will be happy again when we go back to our old life.

I desperately want us to stay where we are until next summer as leaving will mean putting our daughter into full time day care a year ahead of her going to school and I will barely see her or my husband except at the week ends. I can't stay here with my daughter without my husband as I could not contemplate keeping them 4,000 miles apart even if he seems to be able to contemplate leaving and doing exactly that. But neither do I know how to move forwards as a couple in circumstances where he has taken a unilateral decision that fundamentally affects our lives and deprives us of family time with our daughter that we will never get back. I know the situation is of my making and that I have been too slow to appreciate the life we have here but he won't listen to my repeated apologies. He is also refusing to come on the family holiday we have booked to the US in two weeks time on the basis it has been paid for with money which I earnt.

Apologies for the rambling but I have no one to talk to here and I don't know what to do.

As a postscript I have had two miscarriages this year the second of which was 12 days ago at 12 weeks after testing positive for Downs.

let me get this straight he wants to go home straight away because you can't agree on a time to go back, although you have specified summer 2017 he wants to stay longer?
I guess there are a few issues that might be more easily dealt with separately without hot heads.

1. have you a visa where you can change your job to allow for an extra year or 2?
2. are there any school/nurseries/private options which may open your options a little more? At such a young age, exposure to a different culture can be more enlightening than getting your reading and phonics sorted in line with a UK system, many people I know who have moved between 4-10 have said their children had a tough 6 months, then were in line with their peers (but more because the learning environment and friendships were different IYKWIM).
3. I don't think you can underestimate how vulnerable you can feel in a foreign country and dependent on another's Visa, salary and prospects. I am a trailing spouse and the feeling of being a jellyfish in the world is very pronounced, like you could disappear and no one would care, is bad. 18 months in is nothing, not enough to form good, nuanced friendships. i think stay at home dads must feel this more so as there are, statistically, fewer of them. I was also guilty of throwing my toys out of the pram, 18 months is hard because everyone expects you to be settled but you are not, you obviously came out hoping to go straight home again, (no one wants to connect with that!). But possibly the hardest bit is the miscarriage, that is so sad. I am sorry for your loss. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but maybe he feels like the youngest is so much more independent, no baby is on the way, he is worried about what happens when she goes to school and what his next step is? What his prospects in the new country is (you didn't way where you were). But most importantly remember there is no old life. Sadly when you cut a cord it is cut. things might be familiar but they are different, in a much more profound way. Going back makes sense for many but 18 months is a blip for you, but you might find things moved on more than you thought. I hope you are okay though,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you are both grieving. He is being a dick though. I hope he comes around.

Hi OP, have you had a chance to speak to your husband about this?
I wonder if, although it is on the face of it an ex-pat problem, you might get more responses on the relationships board?
It does sound as though your husband is being extremely unreasonable and putting his hurt feelings above everything else. Hope you can work it out.

I by are you apologising to him? You want to leave next year and he wants to stay longer so he's decided to go in 2 months but that's your fault if he leaves and you don't go with him? And your fault the relationship ends and yet your the one who's miserable and homesick?

He's a sick - go home and divorce him.

Just taking the basic bones of your story it sounds like you should all move back to the UK - I mean you say you are hating your job?

What job prospects would there be for you now, in the UK?

Tough time for you all, is there anything you can say or do that will persuade him to at least go on holiday - sounds like you desperately need that.

I've been in your position (miscarriages) - don't under estimate the time it takes to grieve properly.

And the positive thing for your daughter is she can spend a pre-school year in your new neighbourhood making friends.

Just starting with the bit you'll be stuck with whether or not you are overseas - is your husband usually unpleasant? Because the two month ultimatum seems pretty mean, but maybe this is down to the stress and arguments?

Generally, I think you both need to go on holiday and relax. I think your husband needs to sort out whether, regardless of this argument he wants on balance to go back to the UK to his job (I can see why he might, but he can't just blame that on you). I think you need to be clear on your own job options too.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Just wanted to add something on a practical note. When you say come back next summer so that your DD can start school in the Autumn, are you referring to state school, Reception class, in England? If so, you may find that it would be better to be resident again in England for January 2017 when the application deadline occurs. Competition for school places in many areas can be fierce and returning so close to starting school may leave you at the bottom of the pile.

If of course this does not apply, please ignore.

I can understand how hurt your dh must be feeling and he clearly can't bear to keep 'freeloading' a minute longer. I'm with LizzieMacQueen - if you go back now, then your daughter gets a bit more time settling in before starting school. She'll get to go to the settling in days at her new school which all happen during the summer term also. I moved back to the UK from abroad when our dd was 3, ready for her to start school at 4, and I still found that I wasn't entirely in the 'loop' with the other mums whose children had all attended the same nurseries etc, and my dd was the only child in the class who didn't know another child, because none of the local nurseries had spaces so she had to go to one a few miles away. That was quite hard for her.

I think if you want to save your marriage then you need to agree to this. He might back down of course, once you agree, but agreeing in the first place will put things on the right footing.

Finola is right too - you'd need a UK address in January (or at least some paper proof of one) to be in with a chance of a UK state school.

Yes the deadline is Jan for the following sept. It's not enough just to rock up in the summer and want your catchment area school. It just doesn't work like that. You will be allocated the school nobody wants elsewhere. Believe me, moving with kids and schools takes time to get it right.

Seems to me you have been pestering him about moving back to Britain, and now you got it sooner than you bargained for, you panic.

What is the point of constantly trying to pin him down to a return date, moaning that you hate your job, when you anyway planned to stay another year!

Are you resentful that you work and he does not?

Now that he has given up and thrown in the towel, you suddenly realize you dont want your daugther in full time child care, so you really need him to provide this care.

I dont think you will manage to convince him of your good intentions until you understand why you give him such mixed messages.