Moving abroad with DC who don't speak the language?

[NoMoreMrRight]

x-posted under Teens

Divorced now for two years with 3 DC; eldest is 13. I'm not a British citizen but from a Southern European country. Last two years since I left my marriage have been pretty challenging; no family/barely any close friends in the UK and struggling to deal with things on my own when things go wrong, like trips to A&E with one of the DC, falling ill myself etc. XH pretty useless even in worst emergencies, he just doesn't care.

I have made the decision therefore to move back home where my parents, siblings and close friends are for support. Younger DC are too little and will be fine, but eldest worries me. She kind of understands the language but doesn't speak it, and bilingual schools in my hometown are aplenty but too expensive for me to be able to afford them.

I guess I'm after some advice on how to best handle the situation with eldest, or whether you think I should just suck it up and stay here in the UK for her sake (which I have tried for the last two years but nearing breaking point after a especially challenging weekend where everything seemed to go wrong at once and I had no one to call for help). I feel really guilty for thinking about moving but I feel run down, lonely and finding it really difficult to cope with things.

Thank you in advance for any comments.

It sounds like you have a lot more on your plate than just the move. For us it has not all been plain sailing. My oldest had major hiccups. We had "why did you bring me here?" and "I want to go back to England and live with grandma". There were tears, and freak outs and often we had to just say, you can't go back so you just have to face life's challenges. And we felt awful.
I have to say though that having family around made things a lot easier. We were just a family unit in the UK. Other than my parents the rest are distant or dead. We travelled a lot when the oldest two were little, but in the expat community where no one has with ties to the country. In cities and countries that we were both strangers it was very different because we could always leave, and we knew we would eventually, so it felt less concrete. But really settling somewhere else was a whole different ball game. Now I look back on those dark days when I doubted if I'd really made the right decision and I know that in the long run I did. My son and daughter recently returned to England alone, they spent a month with my mother and when he came home my son said he enjoyed seeing old friends but that he was so happy to come home. It isn't easy but I would always choose to do it again every time. Follow your heart.

About repeating a school year. Obviously it's a different country but we liased with the school and my children were given extra time in exams plus a lot of other help to get through the first year. School work was often the major cause of my sons meltdowns. So maybe it would be good to see how far the schools can help n minimising this risk. Hopefully quite a lot and if half the subjects are in English then the chances are she'll settle faster.

Thank you. It sounds as if you went through a lot too before you all got settled, glad to hear everything worked out well in the end. In my case I have in addition all the issues coming from XH; he's already texting a barrage of messages threatening and sending abuse for wanting to go back home as well as calling me deluded. It's all so stressful

I'll be making the decision on which school based on what their responses are re. helping her get settled. Just hoping I can have a bit of luck and more or less synch finding a job over there with court issues being resolved and schools being confirmed .... at least my evening's entertainment is now covered with doing all the needed research!

DD spoke Swedish up until she was 3, added French between 3 and 4, then lost Swedish to English in the UK over 18 months and at 6 had to pick it up again when we came back. It took a semester before she was fluent again. It was a very hard semester, and thankfully we didn't have to worry about academics as they hadn't started school yet. We had lots of blending issues with her just picking the easiest word of the three she knew and running them all together - and lots of frustration with not being able to play easily with her friends.

Would it be possible to move at the start of the summer hols and get them settled, into summer clubs/language training, before school starts?

Otherwise I would say it probably will work out eventually and they will achieve fluency much faster than you - but be prepared for it being a very bumpy transition.

I'm sorry life is so very stressful for you atm

Speaking as a British expat in mainland Europe, who isn't particularly happy (but not totally unhappy either!)) where we live and whose 12 yr old dd studies in two languages other than Eng, I think I have an inkling of a few of the issues and challenges you may be facing.

Fwiw I definitely think you should go. Thirteen is a difficult age (and I wouldn't leave it much later) but sometimes you just have to do what you think is best for your child in the long term: dc tend to only think about the "here and now".

And if you can get her a place in a bilingual state school where she will be taught half her subjects in English, that will help to boost her self-confidence enormously (as presumably she will be better than most of her classmates in that subject?).

Mainly though, I think you should go for you and the support you will receive from your family and the knock-on effects that will have on your dc. Don't underestimate the effect that you being depressed and stressed without family support in the UK will be having on your daughter. If you are happier when you move and able to model positivity, then hopefully (after the initial traumas of moving have been survived) she will feel positive too! Hopefully, keeping that in mind will help you feel less guilty too!

And sometimes (although I can't believe I am saying this because I am always worrying myself sick about my dd integrating properly and the potential problems we are causing her by her not studying/socialising in her native tongue etc) I don't think it is always a total disaster if dc have to go through a certain degree of hardship, as long as they have the support that you and siblings provide. Sometimes a bit of struggle can be the making of them, help them to develop resilience and provide excellent experience for adulthood. (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and all of that ... !)

And agree with other posters who suggest going at the start of the summer holidays in order to practice speaking the language and integrate faster.

The settling-in process may not be easy but from everything you have posted about your dh, it sounds as if you very much deserve some happiness back home with your family around you right now! Best of luck with it!