I'm worried I'm going to upset everyone this summer. Advice appreciated.

[lilivonshtupp]

I'm coming back to the UK for an extended visit this summer with my 3dcs (12, 8 and 6).

Over the past few years I've enjoyed these visits and catching up with friends and family, but I've also been aware than I'm not always the easiest guest to have around.

I find it really, really difficult to know when I should be relaxing and when I should be helping out. Also, it's hard to know when I'm 'allowed' to just be sitting around reading a book in the sunshine, or whether I should be participating with everyone else. It's lead to 'holidays' where I feel exhausted from talking too much or feeling like I'm being a freeloader.

DH doesn't seem to have the same problem at all. He's quite happy to sit with a cup of tea or a beer in his hand and watch the kids playing or (say) his mum making supper. He does help out, but he doesn't let it seem to dominate his holiday.

Because I get tired out by being a visitor, I can also get overemotional or even a bit argumentative after a while. I like my own 'head space'.

I've organised 2 weeks of borrowing friend's homes during the time we are there, but for the other 4 weeks I can see becoming ratty with everyone (like last time on a couple of occasions). I do take myself off out and about sometimes and let people get on with things, but it never feels quite enough (if that makes sense) so I don't recharge my batteries. And everyone wants to see the kids so although I'm limiting how much travelling we're doing, there will still be a lot of time with folk.

Sorry, I'm having a bit of a ranty thing going on here, it's just I'm worried because last time I felt so stretched thin that I ended up snapping at a couple of relatives and it's been a bit strained with them since.

Overseas people (or anyone) - how do you cope with being a long visitor?

Could you afford to book a weeks holiday in a nice UK holiday place to have a break? Family could join you there but you'd have a week of your own space.
We have friends who live in NZ and when they come home they book somewhere like Centreparcs and say we're doing this on this date, join us.

I am going home for the first time in two years. I have already chopped what was supposed to be a 5 week visit to just over 3. Like you, I think we need time just as a family of us, not relatives. My kids are teens, have lived their whole lives abroad and know noone in the UK apart from family. They hate the whole idea of it, but I need to see my parents and sisters. They are all more welcome to come and see me, but never do.

Gosh your kids have qualified young oh. Must be that Singapore style education ;-)

madwoman how old are your kids?

Thank you so much for all the advice/empathy. I felt like such a moaner writing that post (ah, poor me and my 'exotic' holiday problems!)

Luckily, we are going to have 'family' time as such - the two houses we are borrowing for a week at a time are amazing and in lovely areas. It's why we booked such a long holiday. It's the other month that's a problem!

The other reason I booked such a long visit is that I get quite homesick and miss my friends and sisters so badly that sometimes I actually feel ill thinking about it, especially as I still don't feel fully 'at home' here in the new country we live in. It's really my PILs and parents who are the tricky ones. They are so desperate to see the kids - and the kids are desperate to see them and their cousins. I just sometimes wish we could come back and live in the UK again as our lives feel too disjointed. (not possible for foreseeable future).

I think I will certainly be a little bit firmer about arriving and gently telling people that I don't want to end up tired and stressed about worrying about chores, so they need to be very specific about what they would like me to do to help (other than general food prep, tidying toys etc). I'm going to let them know that unless I can get a handle on ensuring that the time with them is relaxing about 70% of the time, I probably won't be doing these long visits again in a hurry.

I'm also going to stock up on good books and try and remove myself from 'the chat' so I don't get 'socially exhausted'. Last time I literally got a sore throat from chatting so much to all and sundry who we visited.

Hi,
reading this with interest as we are about to live overseas and will be going thru the same thing in the years to come.

I feel for you, OP. it's not as much fun as we think it's going to be.
I've travelled home for holidays from one UK city to another. I now take the car, despite the long drive. Means we can get out, even just for a coffee. To get out from underneath everyone's feet. Especially with kids.

I totally agree with making the visit shorter. we had to do that last year. I admit its easier to just pack up a car and head off, but I am glad we did. it saved everyone. Lots of days out and I even put DS into a local kids camp, just to keep him occupied.

My family are very keen to come and visit us abroad, and thankfully are already stating that we will be a base for them to come and go. Bliss.

Yes, try to avoid conflict where possible. Your stay isn't forever, and family don't live forever so I try and bear that in mind too. I used to get cross, but now I just swallow my words, say yes, nod and offer to cook, clean and do the wash up. At least then I cannot be accused of being an idle house guest!

Wishing you good luck OP.
xx

Youre a saint. I cant cope with staying with other people for more than a few days, because of similar reasons. 3 weeks, I think id either die or kill someone

Can you find a cheap room locally on air bnb?

OP you sound lovely. If you tell them how you feel in the way you have described here they will have two choices won't they!

We have this too...DSIL thinks we should use our holiday while she takes her hols in the sun.... not anymore ... i make sure we visit other places even a trip to Blackpool or simular ... its hard work and expensive.

OP, huge sympathies. I haven't been back to the UK for two years for many of the reasons you mention. And I only went back for a week.

I know that doesn't help but just wanted to say you are not alone!