I want to go home.

[girlinoz]

DH and I have moved to Australia as he has a job here for a year. We have only been here for six weeks so I am prepared for the fact that I may be expecting too much too soon but I want to go home.

I have left two jobs that I loved including one that was the result of a complete career change and was a lot of hard work to get into. I thought I would be able to get work here, I did research it before we left as I knew I would need to do something for my own sanity but it seems that the information I got was not correct and in fact that isn't going to be possible. I am thinking outside of the box and applying for jobs that are vaguely related to what I do, I've applied for volunteering positions but everything happens so slowly here.

Before we left everyone just said 'have a year off, enjoy yourself, drink coffee, get your nails done' but that is so not me. I feel like I'm going to waste a year when I could be at home, getting on with my career and my life. It doesn't help that we lost our third pregnancy only three months before we moved.

Small everyday tasks feel like the hardest thing in the world. DH has gone away for two weeks for work and I've only left the flat a couple of times. I feel like a complete loser that I'm in another country and totalling failing to make the most of it.

We have moved so much for his job over the years and I am so sick of it it's untrue. I want to settle down in the UK, be part of a community, get proper investigations and treatment if we need it and I don't want to wait a year to do it.

You sound very down today. Can you get on Skype and chat to some friends at home then maybe have a day out looking at some local attraction. A year seems a long time now while you are feeling down but in a few months you can start searching for jobs, houses,treatment at home. Can you persuade family or friends to come out for a visit then you can explore together ? Thinking of you as homesickness is hard to deal with

I'm not surprised you are depressed. You have given up a lot to follow his dream.

When you are talking about investigations and treatment, are you talking about for fertility? Is it possible for you to get that in Australia?

Where in Aus are you? Plenty of us mn here
What line of work? Maybe someone here can help with leads?
What other interests?

Even after having lived in Aus for 8 years now I have days when I dearly miss what we had in the uk. I think that's normal.
Six weeks to 3 years I think is The settling in point. It takes ages and harder too when dh has been out longer. Is more settled, friends etc.

Just read again, job is for a year. Not dh been here ahead of you x

Our last move was nearly 2 years ago and I think I'm nearly settled. If we had the chance to move to Asia or Europe though, I could be packed in a day. It can take ages to settle in and of course you are still devastated by the loss of your pregnancy, not to mention the hormones that go along with that, sorry x

Sometimes my worst days are followed by my best - do you feel like meeting up with people? Have you looked on meetup.com? Tours / courses are good ways of spending time as well as volunteering when that finally kicks in. How about retraining for a side career? I retrained as a swim coach through Austswim when I was in Asia, adored it....

Take care

Six weeks is such early days. Most peoples are adjusting to the move for six months or more.
FWIW I found the first few months incredibly hard and mourned for my old life and the work I had given up. Day by day it gradually got easier but I had to get out, meet people and do things to drag myself out of it.

I hear you feel dissapointed, restless and lonely, but trust that things will change and get better.

Did you leave your job in the UK? Is it still open for you when you return? If not, can you email your old boss, and say you'd like it back if new person doesn't work out? And keep you in mind for your return? Could you do stuff for them whilst overseas?

If not, try and find an organisation like for like in Australia and write and ask if they have any use for you, doing anything. Attend network events. More study as well?

6 weeks is normal - you have just processed it's not a holiday and its your real life. Try to make the best of it- do you have money to drive and be a tourist? Write a blog?

Also, consider actually going back to the life you left behind.

You don't have to stay if you don't want to.

You are under no obligation to "make the best" of a situation that makes you miserable.

This is your life too.

Hi
I've been in Oz since mid-Jan, and I'm yet to 'get it'. I have some good days, but plenty of bad ones where I just demand that we go home. Brits I've met out here say you need to give it at least 12 months. I feel like I've given up a good life to follow my dh. We have 3 dc who have started school here, and that has helped meeting people. Among them are a number of newbie Brits who to a greater or lesser extent feel down about the move - in fact we share so many of the same moans we are going out for a drink to whinge some more about it.
Whereabouts are you?

Thank you for all your replies.

Kelda yes I mean investigations for fertility. We had the standard tests back in the UK, nothing was found and we were told just to keep trying. We have no live babies. If it happens again it will mean more specialist tests which we aren't covered here for. Also I'm not sure if starting those processes here will be pointless due to the length of time it may all take, I think it's one of those things that needs some continuity.

I agree it has only been six weeks which is basically nothing and I need to give it more time. My job is open for me back in the UK but there is no guarantee that DH will get a permanent job back in the same location, (could be anywhere in the UK) so I may be making a phone call to them in a year and saying I won't be back which will be gutting.

It's reassuring to hear that others have felt the same way, Merde - it absolutely feels like I am in mourning for my old life.

I had a MeetUp trip planned for today which I booked a while ago and yesterday was such a bad day that I didn't want to be around any other people and was going to cancel up until the last minute. However I made myself go on it today and actually had a nice time and met some nice people so I am counting on today as a good day.

I empathise greatly, the first year of being a kiwi in the UK was hard slog emotionally... some days I could barely hold the tears back til I got off the train and then sob the whole walk back to the house. I only coped by planning trips, visits, activities etc for our new area. I changed jobs few times in first 3 months til I found one that was a good fit and had more good than bad days. People would ask how long we were planning to stay, DH said a few years and Id want to throw up... 12 years later I'm petrified of moving back to NZ as I dont want to suffer the reverse culture shock of the rose tinted NZ of my memories.

So yes it is normal, will take a good year more feel more yay than nay about your new home but you need to keep making the effort to see the positives in the move. Your fertility worries add a huge extra stress to the situation, best of luck x

I know how you feel too. Especially about the small tasks feeling huge.

I also hate it when my dh is out of the country for work. I just think 'I'm just perched on this hot rock with nobody' It's psychological I suppose.

I've pushed myself to make a life for us here as I felt like I had little alternative. And we do. We have wonderful friends and we are happy.

I've made huge sacrifices though including my career and having another baby as after that ash cloud a few years back I decided that not being able to fly back to the UK if necessary was not something I could deal with. Again psychological!

After I had been here about two months a woman said to me 'the first year is the worst' and I honestly wanted to punch her. (We are friends now and I told her a couple of years later!) it just seemed insurmountable.

You can, and have , done a lot to make your situation better, and you may even make.it a success. You sound temporarily down and struggling and that is very normal.

However I also think you need to consider what you want from life. If you never wanted to leave the UK, loved your jobs and your life there, and do not want to keep moving about, then maybe you need to step off the rollercoaster. It sounds like your problem is greater than a one-year sidetrack to Australia, and that you are worried about future moves. Why is your family life revolving atound dh's job? Does it have to be that way?

When you say you are not covered for fertility testing? Are you referring to private medical cover? I hope you are aware that you have reciprocal healthcare and as such any treatment that it is unrealistic to return to the uk for, is covered. I am aware of more than one laproscapy for example that was done under reciprocal care. It's not acceptable to delay and it's time critical due to age and many mitigating factors.

OP I feel for you, and have no real advice except for I felt exactly the same thing 6 weeks in to our move to Bangkok from the UK, which was 9 months ago now. I have found that things do get better. I have been in tears in Tesco before because all the bloody food was so different, or by getting stranded as no taxi drivers could speak English. I had bad days at least 3 times a week. But now it's more like 3 times a month.

And I have started to appreciate the positives of being in a different country. Arranging nice nights out, day trips, meals in nice restaurants, beach holidays etc all helps.

A year contract is a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things - I know it doesn't feel like that - but I am pretty certain you'll be just fine :)

Good luck.

As other have said 6 weeks is too soon. But i would be bored as hell in that situation too.

It is perfectly reasonable to want to settle down and have a family. Do you and your husband have a plan for this? Or will he keep going to whenever duty calls?

If things don't improve is there somewhere in uk for you to live while DH stays there and visits every few months? I've lived overseas due to DH work and settling in was very very hard as in my head I wanted to be in uk each day. We ended up staying in that location for 6 years.

But. It. Was. Hard. Little things like supermarkets/cafés general life there was just a big effort for me.

Back in uk now though and I'm happier than ever - no sunshine but I just 'get' the people and weather etc

Thanks again for all your replies - it really does help to know that others are/have felt the exact same way.

Things have revolved around DH's job for a number of years now due to the amount of time it takes to train and become qualified to do his job. I always knew what I was signing up for and to be fair it has meant we have lived in some great places in the UK. My original career was very easy to move around and that gave me a number of opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed in one place. The irony is that years ago it was my idea to go abroad for a year, but I had no idea that I would change careers and have these baby issues, I think it's the timing of it that has been the problem.

chloe yes I think the reciprocal healthcare agreement does cover us if we were to go public for any investigations or treatment we need. I have no problem going public its just that the waiting lists are huge so by the time we actually manage to get pregnant and if we lose the baby again as let's face it, the odds just aren't good, it will be time to come home. We have private medical cover as it's a condition of our visa but they don't cover you for any fertility stuff, pregnancy or childbirth until you've been here a year, so had the policy for a year. I still can't get over how casually my consultant back in the UK said 'just try again and see what happens' seeming to totally not understand the amount of emotional and physical stress that that involves for us.

I think things will be better next week as DH is home and my in laws are coming to stay for a while soon also. I also now have proper internet so have skyped my parents. Also I managed to fill the car with fuel and navigate to the supermarket all by myself which sounds totally pathetic but felt like a massive achievement! I had to have a lie down afterwards. I also have a coffee arranged with a somebody who I have a rather random connection with from the UK so I think things are looking up.

Emigrating is very hard, and you are really at the worst bit in my opinion. Once you make a few friends and know how things work here it gets a hell of a lot easier, honestly, but at six weeks you are still reeling really. I know others have suggested Meet-ups which is great, but I posted on Poms in Perth facebook and asked if anyone wanted to meet for coffee at the Dome one weds morning and ten people turned up! Six of us met up for months and four of us now good friends two years later (the other two have gone back to the UK, both unwillingly!). But you really have to put yourself out there at the start which is very hard. But do give it a chance, you might even fall in love with the place like I have.

The pregnancy stuff is a hard ball. From a medical Point of view it will depend on many factors. Suspected reasons for miscarriage.
The general idea is to keep on trying. It's very hard and I feel for you! The healthcare here is superb. On a 457 you don't need private cover when you have British citizenship. It's not clearly explained tho. It's along the lines of adequate healthcare. We were 457 initially and no private cover. Had a baby on arrival. Was 15 weeks when we got here.
Special needs child with huge range of tests, hospital admissions etc also on 457.
Depending what you need to be done you should be seen within 3 months. Or 90 days. It's worth chucking your name down to be seen. Even while trying. Again it will depend where in Aus you are and where your willing to be seen.
Hope that helps.
Enjoy meeting people.
Enjoy relatives being over!
Who knows you may fall in love with Aus and not want to leave

We came home after three years, I met too many Brits who'd been there 25 years, kids and grand kids who said it never ever got better or felt like home but now they were stuck. I'd give it 6 months but don't be afraid to leave if it doesn't feel right. Deep down I knew after a couple of weeks and then wasted all that time trying to convince myself

Is there any way you can make your career portable? Freelance consulting in your field for example?

Some way to carve out your own professional identity helps enormously. And yes, I agree with Bathtimefunkster that you don't actually have to stay. I'm a serial expat but if it was ever a Must then i'd be on the next plane.
for you. I'm an Aussie citizen and I would never live there again. Not everyone likes it.