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Living overseas

Whether you're considering emigrating or an expat abroad, you'll find likeminds on this forum.

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Original poster

It feels like it's me or the kids.....

16 replies

homesickhatty · 10/02/2015 15:00

Dh and I have lived here for about 5 years. He works away a lot and always has. I have been a trailing spouse and have lived around the world since my early 20's. Now though I want to 'come home'
Our children are in a great private school here (8+10) but I have never settled here and could leave tomorrow with no regrets for myself.
The one and only thing that is concerning me is the childrens education.
We wouldn't be able to put them in a private school as company won't pay if we return to 'home' country. Fair enough.
I know there are really good schools in the UK and the children are hopefully young enough to re-adjust. I also know there are some rubbish schools in the UK. I have no ties anywhere so have no idea about good and bad.
Dh and I agreed we would stay here until the children finished their education but that is a long way off.
I just want to 'come home' now though.
AIBU to consider taking my chances with the childrens future by moving, or do I just suck it up and stay here.

OP posts:

knightofswords · 10/02/2015 19:27

Hi OP. What does your DH say about it, and what do the DCs think?

BreakingBadHabits · 10/02/2015 20:56

In terms of education there are some amazing state schools in the UK. My children are both far happier (and doing better academically) back here at one of those versus their hugely expensive private international school overseas.

That's not to say it wouldn't be an upheaval for them emotionally/friendships wise. But they will adjust to that and it will probably take around a year. IMHO far better to do it now/in the next year or two. Otherwise you really do have to think very carefully about moving them in the latter years of secondary education.

In short, don't be put off by worrying that there are no good UK state schools.

SuisseRomandeMaman · 10/02/2015 21:00

It is a tough decision. What do the DCs think? I mentioned going to live in UK to my DCs (they have never lived there) and they freaked. They may hold a UK passport but to them it is just the country where they spend Christmas. That was a hard pill to swallow.

What about another expat posting where you may be happier?

We moved back to the UK for 2 years in between two postings and it was very very hard. Making friends was the hardest thing. Grass is always greener.

Are you wanting to come home to put permanent roots down?

castlesintheair · 11/02/2015 09:31

I agree with BreakingBadHabits, don't see UK schools as a negative in your decision making. If anything they are a huge positive. I'm currently in the throes of deciding whether to return to the UK and for me the schools are the biggest attraction.

I also agree about moving whilst they are young. You really have to do it by Year 9 if you want to stay in the English Curriculum so you have plenty of time. Why not move back now and if after a couple of years it isn't as rosy as you imagined, you can still escape?

Original poster

homesickhatty · 11/02/2015 10:31

Dh is really OK about staying here or moving to the UK. He realizes and understands that I need to be happy wherever we live since I'm the SAHP.
The children always say when we move back not if. I suppose that stems from my uncertainty about being here long-term though as they were both too young to remember ever living there.
I know 100% that if it wasn't for the school then we would already be in the UK. It is only the school situation keeping us here. They both love it and are really thriving and if I only think of them then I feel I have to stay here.
If we stay then it's only me that has to suck it up. If we move then everyone is going to be affected, (good or bad)
I am so stuck in this thought process I feel as though I'm not really living my life. I can't until the decision has been made...

OP posts:

butterfliesinmytummy · 11/02/2015 18:11

Same as Suisse, the UK is overseas to my kids, we always call where we are "home", the UK hasn't been home for years. What about work op, will your Dh have a job to go back to? That's normally the make or break question....

chloeb2002 · 12/02/2015 00:13

Maybe to look at this differently? How about looking at why you feel unsettled? If dh and kids are happy must be some good things there?
Are there ways you can make things better? It seems like your kids know it's only temporary so maybe it's not an issue tho? I think that just depends on the nature of the move. Our kids were all born here, one lived in the uk for 4 years. If we said we were moving to the uk they would not be happy! This is all they know and love. They see England as a place where you don't have 5 acre gardens, no pools in the garden and it's cold
They don't know anyone there either so, but out move became permanent after 4 years her.

GoldfishCrackers · 12/02/2015 00:33

If you stay where you are until the DC finish school, and then move back to the UK there's a real risk that the DC will want to stay where they are. Especially if the older one starts uni/work whilst you wait for the younger one to finish school. Would you be ok with moving back to the UK in those circumstances?

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 12/02/2015 00:52

Have you been back to the UK lately, OP? And been to the kind of town you would live in and seen the kind of school your children would go to? I honestly love the UK and I miss my family like mad, but every time we are back I make sure to check in with what would be our real life and remind myself why we are living where we're living. That's not being anti-UK. In our case, it's more like giving me an honest appraisal of what our lives are like here.

Original poster

homesickhatty · 12/02/2015 06:15

We have a very good 'standard' of living here. The large house and garden ( that would be out of our league in the UK) Private school ( again out of our league) the children have a lot of activities outside school and are happy.
Dh's job means he can have a base anywhere in Europe really as he travels for work anyway.
I am just not happy here, maybe I'm just getting to the point that I can't be bothered trying to fit in anymore. Learning the customs, social etiquette, language etc and it still not enough to feel as though I belong.
Even though I have only lived in the UK for a few years out of the last 25 I still consider it home
I don't think it is all romantic, downton abbey(ish), rose tinted either.

OP posts:

rootypig · 12/02/2015 06:31

To answer your question, me or the kids - it's not that, at all, because your children won't be happy if you are not. You risk putting your marriage under significant pressure, too.

If you want to come home, come home. Millions of children struggle on in British state schools without too many ill effects

Original poster

homesickhatty · 12/02/2015 09:23

I know it should be that easy. Just come home....
I'm terrified of making a huge mistake though.
Dh and thought we would get he kids through school, then move. As Goldfishcrackers pointed out the kids will have established their own life here and probably don't want to give that up. I don't think I could move without them.
Move everyone now from a reasonably good life to the unknown. I'm not saying there are no good schools in the UK rootypig but the kids are in a really good school now and I think the chances of finding another really good school are not high.
I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment, nothing seem to feel right, no matter which direction I lean.

OP posts:

ifink · 12/02/2015 10:49

I'm not sure about basing everything on kids school now, like right now...what happens if they get a bad teacher next year/head changes/friends leave/results go down..? school situations always evolve, upwards or downwards, sometimes for long periods sometimes not etc. Im not sure that a currently great school situation would be enough to keep me from getting home if that's what I really wanted (am an expat and eventually want to go home!).

chloeb2002 · 12/02/2015 18:10

It's nearly an impossible decision to make when you have been away so long. I often think oh maybe if we went back we would have great life, then i get a reality check to point out that I wouldn't fit in in the uk the same way I find I don't fit in now as I'm a hybrid of countries. Uk, german, Belgium now Aus. If we went back I wouldn't fit in as I'm not the same person I was. Neither are my friends.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 22/02/2015 14:42

Years ago my older children went to various well-regarded (and expensive) international schools. They were happy there and did fine but the schools weren't a patch on my younger children's current state primary school.

papooshka · 22/02/2015 21:58

We just moved back to the UK after 12 years away. Kids are in a state primary and are loving it. I think your kids would be fine tbh. But the grass is sometimes greener. I am happy we have moved back but its bloody hard to make friends and I am missing my old expat life. Friends who have moved back tell me it takes about 2 years to really settle back, so be prepared for that.

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