Has anyone here been the one to apply for a job abroad, with your DH being the trailing spouse / SAHD to small children?

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It seems like a lot of people on mn living abroad are doing so because of their husband's work. I know that's a bit of a generalization but I'm keen to hear from women who are the instigators for moving to a different country for their job....

I'm quite career-driven (though not a powerhouse type or anything) and whilst I love my two DDs dearly, I'm not sure I'm that great at being a SAHM (currently on mat leave no2 and keep getting drawn to foreign job opportunities!).

My earning prospects are better than DH's and I'm keen to progress. We'd like to live abroad and my area of work provides relatively decent opportunities to do so. It's likely that this would mean me applying for a job somewhere (we've got a few countries in mind) probably full time, and the deal would be that DH would be a SAHD for a while, perhaps until we're really settled and dd2 is in some form of preschool/kindergarten/school etc.

I always thought I'd live and work abroad extensively (I've studied abroad and DH and I have traveled and worked abroad before, but all pre-DC). DH is pretty up for this, his career is a trade that he can return to at any point in the uk or any other "western" country where English is widely spoken. However, he may struggle if we were in Southern Europe (due to languages, though he's happy to learn) or Asia (due to demographics though there may be some opportunities).

However, I swing between thinking it would be a great adventure and worrying it's just dragging my family around the world for my wistful dream. It kind of feels selfish! We have a good network of friends and family here in the uk so it would be sad (stupid?) to leave them but I'm pretty sure we'd be ok on our own too.

Part of me thinks nothing ventured, nothing gained but I then wonder could I really cope with working full time again (I haven't since before dd1 was born three years ago)? Would it be the great bonding opportunity for DH and our girls that I'm assuming? Would I feel selfish? Would I resent him for spending more time with them than me? What if they all hate it but I love it?

I would love to hear from anyone who's been in a similar position!

My children are older than yours and I was back in full time work when DD1 was 7 weeks old, so I can't comment on how it would be to return after being a SAHM for so long. I imagine work would be less stressful and tiring in comparison!

We are looking to work abroad and DH looking forwards to slowing the pace down and playing lots of golf when kids are at school. I understand the urge to go abroad and don't want to look back on our lives and wonder 'what if?' Besides most contracts are pretty short - 2 years - so if you don't like it, it is not so long a time until you can go back 'home' or more elsewhere.

Looking likely for us later this year so cross fingers - you only live once!

Well there's one I've got my eye on now that would be a permanent contract... Obviously that's not to say that we couldn't go somewhere else after a couple of years though.

It probably won't work out anyway as I'm tied to my current employee until the summer which may well be too long for this company to wait.

But no harm in applying I guess.....?

I've only been a SAHM during maternity leave. Loved it first time round, not so much second time round but I want to take the full year with both children.

If we did move in the summer, DD1 would be 3.8 and DD2 would be 13mths.

Yes we are doing this next year. We already are doing it uk so dont see the difference. Why on earth would you feel selfish? You are supporting your whole family.

I like it much better and have been doing it since youngest was 2 weeks old. I rarely think about the children at work as I am busy.

A good friend of mine is currently a non-working dad in China while his DW has an amazing job. Their DD is at school over there and they're all enjoying it immensely, especially the bits like Christmas on the beach in Thailand! He did keep his business running back in Britain, though, and keeps up with his staff via email/Skype.

Hello
I am a trailing spouse and have in turns also worked or been a sahm.
Where we are at the moment (very poor country in Africa) there are more NGOs, UN, Charity and development organisations. Many of these seem to employ a high number of women so there are quite a lot of stay at home dads here.

I've noticed that they seem to struggle less than the stay at home mums, they seem to have a more relaxed attitude and feel a lot less guilty about having cleaners and nannies helping.

Other postings where there was more oil industry/development was pretty much all stay at home mums.

Of course we can say there is no reason why dads and mums, having children in common, can't just socialise with each other, and here that does happen a lot.

But I think a dad in my previous post would have struggled at the baby group where it was all talk of breastfeeding etc…

In fact I also struggled and luckily found a job, meaning I was able to go to work from when my baby was 3months of age being looked after by a wonderful nanny. Still being able to come home early and spend time with baby etc…. That is one of the reasons people with small children want to go on postings, better work/life balance and more help.

My only warning to you is that being a stay at home parent in some countries is much, much much more challenging that in the UK. I've done it in three countries and in the UK.
Tropical climates seem inviting but beware of places that are constantly humid and above 30degrees - not good with small babies!
It's also a big adjustment getting used to being on call to your children all the time when you were used to doing a job you enjoyed back at home. Then to do that in a new country, maybe with different language and culture, can be a challenge.

But all in all I think if you are both on the same page, know what you want from this posting and fancy and adventure then go for it!!! Family life where we are now is so much more relaxed and laid back, it makes up for some of the challenges (which I won't list here!!!!)

can you give us an idea roughly what part of the world it is?

As a sahm that went back to work while dp was a sahd, I did feel selfish imo, and felt like I was judged regularly BUT this did pass, and you soon realise that the kids are just as happy and you feel much more sane.
We swapped roles again after dd2 was born but I think we will settle on a half and half childcare work arrangement when/if I decide to go back
The one element I would be wary of, is whether your Dh is very social? Kids can be a bit of a weight on your social life and moving to a different country could make it hard to feel as though he has friends etc. So I think it's important to join a couple of groups or clubs or just get him OUT there a bit!

I am the main breadwiner and my current job required an overseas move. We had decided to start a family soon and didnt know if dh would be able to get a job. So we talked over and decided to get ahead with the relocation and he would become a sahd if he didnt find work. So now we are working parents and happy with this arrangement.

I suggest you discuss openly your expectations concerns and posibly an exit plan if things dont work out.

Thanks all, great to hear your experiences!

The prospective job is in the Netherlands for an amazing well known company where I suspect I'd then have future career opportunities in the US and APAC.

DH is sociable and would want to join a local football team or similar for exercise and a change of scenery/company!! He's very good with all sorts of people - breastfeeding talk wouldn't bother him at all!

The quality of life thing is a reason to go. I have a 1.5hr commute each way at the moment, and will do for as long as I plan to stay in this area of work. It's just no do-able with small children because I simply wouldn't see them at all. We can't afford to move closer to work in this country so it feels somewhat ironic that moving abroad will rectify that but that's the way it is.

Dh's initial reaction was that he thought we'd leave it til this time next year to look and that we might head farther afield (Singapore is his first thought). But he's still open to it. Problem is I have all day to google and research (well as much time as a toddler and a baby permit ) and he doesn't get any time to really think about it. We were going to sit and chat last night but DD2 was up hourly from 7:30pm so we didn't get the chance.

The Netherlands works well in terms of keeping in touch with friends and family easily due to cheap flights, short distance etc. I love the idea of having the rest of Europe on our doorstep and whilst I guess Dutch isn't widely spoken elsewhere, just giving the DDs the opportunity to learn another language and experience a different culture is appealing. ARGH - but then I think am I just messing with them??

I think the job has been advertised for a while but is still live on the company's website for now though I'd hate to miss out.............. No idea if I'd even get it anyway, it's amazing what being on mat leave / working pt can do to knock your confidence

Hi, OP, sounds like you have already stepped on the roller coaster that is expat life. 'ooh, look at that job….' 'ok let's apply'… 'did I get it? this is taking ages!'…. 'oh, big disappointment, I had already planned our first weekend in Amsterdam, let's go for this other job…. '' 'Oh! I got this other job, I wasn't ready for this, what shall I do?' 'Ok,let's go for it..' 'Got a letter yesterday asking if we are still up for the Amsterdam job, NOW what do I do>??'

And so it goes on!!!

Or maybe it will be much more straightforward for you! However I must say Netherlands sounds amazing, I'd go there tomorrow if someone asked me. So invaluable being close to home if you are close to your family. And a great place to be a stay at home parent!

Whatever you do OP, just enjoy the ride. We found that whenever a job we were desperate for fell through eventually something else came along that sounded more exciting and then was actually a hidden blessing. So just go with the flow….

Let us know how you get on!

Ahh thank you!! That is soooo what it feels like. Today I even googled ballet classes there for my 3 year old

Tonight though, I'm coldy and tired and the amount of effort required for a relocation feels beyond me.

We ended our last stint of living abroad prematurely and now regret it. I've also heard of a few local stories if women in their 30's/40's with quick and devasting illnesses or accidents recently which really makes me think life is there for the taking and we'd be silly not to make this (or another opportunity) happen if we are this way inclined.

We'll see I guess. I'll keep you posted

I have a good friend who was an army husband. But different as the army offers support structures but the majority of army spouses are wives.
Anyway, he has his own business working from home. He couldn't do a lot abroad (he's a trainer) but he did do a bit, enough to say he had a business rather than he was a sahd. I think he found that helpful to his identity.
My impression of the Netherlands is that while it's very normal for parents if both sexes to look after the children at home for a while, the role of semi-permanent sahp is unusual. Will your dh be ok without the work part of his identity? (Although I think you said he's in a trade so I guess he'll always be "a joiner" or whatever whether he's actively working or not).

Well we haven't discussed much yet but I think he'd stay home enough for the children to get settled first, try and learn some Dutch and then see about working after we've been there 6-12 months.

Childcare at the moment (well, I'm on mat leave so when I go back to work) is a mixture of grandparents, nursery and preschool. We both feel that initially at least, wherever we go, it would be in the children's interest to have one of us around to begin with seeing as they've been used to me being around more or being with extended family in addition to the other childcare settings. So DH being a temporary SAHD would be a constant for them. Potentially we're over thinking it but it feels the right way to start.

We will of course also explore dh's work possibilities before we go.

Pre-dc I had an interview in Basel, Switzerland and DH came out there with me at the time and the company set up a meeting with him and a career consultant. On paper it sounded great - high salary, low tax, right between France and Germany, skiing, lakes and all sorts on the doorstep.... The career consultant told DH he'd need Swiss-German at a fairly fluent level to even be considered for work. And more to the point, we didn't like the place much - we didn't get "that feel" from it at all so it was a big fat no!

I have, although DH has always worked (although with longish stints of not doing so, when he was between contracts). We have lived in both Europe and Africa, and I have to say that the bureaucracy in Europe is more grinding (not least because you generally have a Mr Fixit to do all the grunt work for you outside of Europe). It is very easy to pick up a passive knowledge of Dutch, but it will take a little longer to speak it. A lot of Dutch people speak good English, but don't expect this to be universal.

What does your DH do? Is his career portable, or could he work remotely?

He's a carpenter, more specifically an event carpenter - so he builds tv/film/theatre sets, props for product launches, fashion show stages/catwalks etc

I think he'd be inclined to see of he could do some tefl training if we went to Apac but not so much in Europe.

I should add he also does domestic and commercial joinery and carpentry too.

Asia, and especially the countries with a helper culture (HK and Singapore), are quite tough as a SAHD, because, firstly, there arent many SAHDs, and secondly, there arent even many genuine SAHMs so he could end up taking your dd to a playgroup and it'll be him and 19 helpers who will be too scared to talk to him. Secondly, carpentry will be tough as it's predominantly a Cantonese/Chinese speaking sector. He could easily be self-employed as a handyman (building shelves etc) in HK but he might get really bored. TEFL definitely an option but terrible money unless you're prepared to work unsociable hours and many of the better schools require degree educated teachers- not sure if he has one. Basically, if he's happy to amuse himself and be a gentleman of leisure it might suit him very well, but it might also be a bit lonely.

Anyway, I know you're not thinking Asia, but just my thoughts.

Thanks yes we've considered those points. He has some contacts in Asia for construction managerial positions so that might be an avenue worth exploring.

If he is a SAHD for a little while I think he'd be fine as long as he could meet up with a couple of people every couple of weeks. We've got a friend in HK who is a SAHD so that would be a good start.

Failing all that he'd look at the voluntary sector.

I'm in the UAE and am a trailing spouse, started here as a SAHM and then went on to do work in a school. But there are a lot of women in my circle of friends who are the main sponsors and their DH's are the trailing spouses and they are quite happy and have their own interests and some have even started work once the children have gone to school.

If he's got contacts then it could definitely work out for him for sure and if he has a SAHD buddy then even better.