Do we come back to the UK?

[DishesSkivvy]

I'm British with all my family in the UK. DH is S.African and we live in SA near his family. We lived in the UK for some time but moved back to SA for DH. He was stressed, working ridiculous hours in London; then he lost his job when his company (investment banking) went belly up (he's not a banker btw) and he had just lost his brother in an accident a few months before. I was a SAHM to a 16mo old; emotions were high and I thought I'm either going to kill him; divorce him; or come to SA with him.

We've done OK here but money has been tight as we essentially restarted from scratch. At one point I hadn't seen my family for over 4 years and other than a weekend break locally we hadn't been on any holidays.

I've always wanted to go back to the UK because of family and because financially we are living pay cheque to pay cheque. Cost of schooling / private medical etc tips us over the edge each month. We still have about 30k in pension savings in the UK and over the last year we've decided we're going to start plans to move back to the UK. Basically DH will live on the moon if it makes me happy.

But now I face such a dilemma. His career prospects have suddenly shot through the roof and with it a major increase in earnings. Annual UK trips to see the family will be pretty much guaranteed, local weekends away at least once a quarter and quite likely a long haul family holiday too.

I wonder if I've romanticised living near my family again. Realistically I'd see siblings 4 or 5 times a year outside of Xmas. I'd see my parents maybe 2 or 3 times a month but my mother is HARD WORK and there is history of NC for months at a time. I just feel low when I see the FB pics of my family all round a table blowing out birthday candles

I've made friends here, DD is settled, inlaws...well they're inlaws but they're mostly quite nice
DH would be back to working longer hours and commuting compared to his current commute of 15mins.
I'm just so worried we're making the wrong decision to return. FFS I wish I had a crystal ball.
Please tell me wwyd

I would always go where the work is. Does your dh have a job offer in the uk? I would give it another year or two and see how it all pans out with your new situation. And you know that facebook is only how people want to be seen, rather than a true representation of their lives

I regret returning to the uk most days. But I am not British and miss my family and friends, the life we had, but I can't uproot the kids again! It gets harder! Alas no crystal ball, I should have had one 4 years ago. I am not getting any younger, and you know what get say bout the colour of grass, how will it seem 3 years from now if you really did move?

I think if his career in SA has just taken off, if you go back to the UK now you'll be back to square one and the same situation that you were in when you arrived in SA. If the day to day lifestyle is good with friends etc and your DD is settled and there is now the prospect of having a trip to the UK once a year then i would give it a bit longer to see how it goes.

Thanks everyone.
I think you're right and we need to stay here a while longer (in my heart I knew it too).
I'm just cross that when we finally had concrete plans and timelines in place we get this unexpected change - albeit a good one.
No more RightMove obsession til all hours then. Maybe I'll get more sleep

I completely understand your RightMove obsession. We're hopefully moving back in the summer as DH's job is coming to an end and every time there's mention of a job possibility somewhere in the UK I'm immediately on RightMove investigating house prices and options!!

I would plan a long trip back to the UK (certainly a whole long school holiday?) but not to move yet.

Congratulations to your DH and you - you have survived a very tough-sounding phase in your lives in good shape.

This is never easy and the problem with moving is you never know what the right answer is, should I stay, should I go, until you do it. I've lived away for family for years at a time and it's tough going! But, you guys are (like you say) living from pay cheque to pay cheque) and it's not exactly cheap to move abroad. One idea you could have would be to set a time limit, stick it out for one more year, and then reassess. If after the year you decide you still definitely want to come back and that outweighs the perks of your DH's new job, then all you've done is save for a year (with his increased earnings) so when you come back you're in a good position rather than struggling.

I would say, take the job, if it allows you a trip home come back and see how you feel, and enjoy the good life for a year while you can save some money. Shipping is going to be expensive, never mind finding property etc, so I would use the next year to plan/save, take holidays and if at the end of the year you want to stay you can, and if you want to move home at least you know you definitely gave it a shot and you'll know either way. I don't like to wonder 'what if' so I usually give things a go. Good luck!

meandjulio that's a really nice thing to say, thanks! It does feel like we've faced so much already and thankfully nothing major has broken. Don't get me wrong, I often want to LTB

spock Yes I feel that way too. I tend to be quite fatalist and have a "what's the worst that can happen" attitude. We would have enough money to move over quite easily. Whilst we end pretty much every month counting pennies to buy the bread and milk, we own property here and have some decent investments, so after flights, shipping and converting the weak Rand to Pounds, we'd have around 25K cash. I love spreadsheets a little too much So a great part of me is thinking we'll be OK. But we'll be just OK and it might take another 5 or more years for him to get this kind of opportunity again, if ever. My skills (freelance) are far more in demand there than here, so I'm not worried about that.

I think I need to tell him to grab hold of the new position with 2 hands. It means he'll be doing an MBA over the next year so he'll be cranky sod. Might LTB after all

Thanks folks, sometimes it helps to have a sounding board

Hi OP - something to consider/plan for if you are thinking of returning to the UK. Did your DH get British Citizenship before leaving the UK? If not, there are new rules that came into play for non-EU spouses in 2012. It may be that YOU have to sponsor your DH if he's not at British Citizen. Just thought I'd mention it so that you are aware.

Sorry, no other advice, but good luck to you both in whatever you decide.

Thanks FarFrom. I am aware of the changes and it's a real pain in the proverbial ass, particularly those who can't come back as a result. Fortunately DH has access to an EU passport via the ancestry route. Hopefully this, the reasonable pension he already has there and the years of NI payments will mean we don't fall foul to any changes that may come in the time that we are remain here.