Kids in France: playdates, parties etc

[justwondering72]

Hi

I need some experiences please! We've been in France for 6 years, my oldest in now in CE1 and bilingual. We are very active in the expat scene in our city (it's been a great way to keep the children's English up as they are full time in the French system) and we've made lots of great, like-minded, friends that I really enjoy spending time with.

Something I've never understood though is socialising with French children. We've had birthday parties, arranged playdates etc for my oldest with children from the school, and very very little ever comes of it. No reciprocal invites, no friendships with the parents etc. My French isn't great, but I try my best, and DH is pretty fluent. But nothing comes back. With my Anglo friends, we are frequently having family days out, kids hanging out at each other's houses, etc.

DS1 is currently having some difficulties at school; He's got into a threesome with his former best friend, and the other two are ganging up on him. They got pretty nasty last term 'we don't like the English, we don't play with the English' etc, the teacher got involved and he took pretty sharp action to deal with it. (I posted about this at the time). But DS1 is set on staying friends with these children.

I'm trying to help his confidence recover, but it's hard. He seems to be very aware that he is 'different' now, and giving himself a hard time about it. I feel I've let him down by not actively pursuing a social life that has a strong French element in it - but I've been baffled as to how to do it. Kids here have such long school days, then they often do activities in the evenings or Wednesdays, Sunday is family day. We live in a city, so we all live in apartments, no hanging out in people's gardens etc or just knocking on their door. And they just don't seem to do casusal playdates the same way, the parents I know are friendly but reserved. I took my 4 year-old to a playdate, to a mother that I get on well with at the school gate, and I thought we'd have a coffee while they played - not a chance, she didn't even let me get my coat off before she whisked my DS away to play and closed the door in my face! And that's someone I quite like!

And birthday parties... We hear about my nephew in the UK going off to at least one birthday party a weekend, often a whole class party with 30 kids. DS1 has been invited to maybe 4 in his whole time at school, and very few of the children that he invited to his parties in MS and GS have ever reciprocated. Do they have lots of parties here? Do they tend to be smaller? Or not at all?

Long post, sorry, it's my way of putting my guilt out there. Is it true, as I so often read and hear from friends, that the (urban) French just don't do playdates and casual get togethers in the same way as Brits do? If so, what can I do to help my children feel more at home in the French speaking world, a place that they have to navigate daily. DS1 is having a small birthday party soon, maybe that will help.

Ok I am french I left a long time ago but during my childhood I never had a birthday party, and have been invited to 3 (between 4 and 18 yo). Seeing my nieces birthdays it is still a family day, sometime a best friends is invited.

I guess the week end is family or football .
The only play-dates I ever had were on wednesday with my best friend when we were old enough to walk to each other houses on our own (10?). My mum never ever staid with me even when she was a SAHM. That is city dwelling for you, in the country kids meet up in the street/field and hangout (again no parents involved).

Hi

I´m in Spain and I´d say it´s very similar here.

I have DS1´s party organised for Friday and despite asking parents to confirm they are coming on the invitation I have had one reply and that´s really only because I bumped into her at school.

Now I can envisage myself having to seek out Mums and Dads and find out whether their children are coming or not. At this rate it´s going to be a very small party

In general though, my children have been to very few parties and play dates over the years especially when I compare to my friends and their chidren in the UK.

Is it a European thing?

My youngest (CE2) has been to lots of parties. My 2 eldest, 1 each. All parties are mind numbingly dull IME so my 2 eldest are quite thankful. I find France depressingly anti-social and old-fashioned: you have to be introduced to someone, there's no breaking into a friendship group just by being friendly here (oh yes, I have tried that) and mostly DCs socialise with the kids of their parents' friends.

Personally OP I would count yourself lucky and continue to enjoy your expat scene. Where I live there are no expats and whilst my DCs are happy enough socially at school, at home we are the Billy No Mates expat family

All our DC had plenty of birthday parties to go to at primary school - the DSSs are 100% French and were in a normal state primary whereas DD is at a private bilingual primary with a vibrant international social scene.

I have noticed, however, that at some schools DC socialise around Scouts/Guides/Church/Parish in quite an "exclusive" way.

Oddly enough, your experience of life in France is not unlike ours as foreigners in the UK.

DS is rarely invited to b-day parties or playdates by local families. We've been here 4 years...

Have you read French Children Don't Throw Food? I ask because it gives you an idea (which you might have already) of just how different the French are with their children to English/anglo saxon parents: I've spent more of my adult life in France/French speaking countries than in mine (England) and - now I'm back in the UK - am shocked by how French I've become!
When you hosted the playdates did you invite the mothers? And, if you did, did you ignore the children & offer them a glass of wine? Because that would (at least in my experience) be normal French playdate etiquette. If you were (am generalising here) a hands-on anglo saxon mother and played with your child during the playdate you'd be ruled out on the spot from all future playdates.
Children's parties? In France its strictly drop off/pick up (in England I find a lot of mothers want to hang around and 'watch'). To really get a French mother to warm to you, I think you need to just show her that you're a fun person in your own right - and forget talking to, or about, your children: mention a hot waiter at the local café, or how you tried on some killer heels which you're too broke to buy, or a botched bikini wax, and they'll love you. Talk about homework, schools or what makes your child unique and you're out. They're ruthless! (but I love them for it).

I agree that play dates and parties are about the kids socializing, not the adults. But the rest of pp is a bit stereotypical. All my French friends would think I was odd if I offered them wine without a meal and we have plenty of conversations about schools and parenting and our hobbies and next to none about fashion and beauty beyond ' nice coat/haircut'.

We've been invited to a few kids' parties but I've noticed it's never from 'locals' to our town but fellow in comers - french or Spanish. I think locals have their friends and family all sorted and aren't looking for new friends.

If I offered wine at a playdate, they would think I had a drink problem. Even a cup of tea is dodgy after four (interferes with sleep, apparently). Apart from that, are they not just parents who talk about parent stuff? That is my experience anyway (and I don't have to do playdates any more hurrah).

I just had to respond to this!

I don't know how many times I've had French kids over for playdates, and not a single invitation back. But I have been invited for apero, then the children are there, and they are off doing their own thing.

My daughter is in an international school and nearly all her invitations are from non-French families.

I'm passed being puzzled or upset about how it all works. But my conclusion is that it's not about the kids, it's about the parents.

One place where you can finally get to meet kids outside school and chat to other parents is at the sports activities. This I think is the place to meet other French families and I chat more to French parents at this type of thing than at the school gate. However, as yet, no invitations to parties (6 years down the line!!).

Brownies/Scouts is good to meet other anglophone children and families.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I live in the UK and I resent our weekends being punctuated parties which the children don't always enjoy very much to be honest. Maybe we should move to France? After a whole day with his friends, your son is unlikely to need the playdates/parties. I would try not to worry too much about him missing out.

I would be worried though about the anti English stuff. French children saying they don't play with English children sounds like it may be coming from the adults. It sounds small-minded and horrid. But it's possible the children aren't actually as small minded as their parents and genuinely like your son. All children have fallouts but they are often minor and they recover very quickly.

Are you there long-term? Do you have a social life?

Sorry. I have now reread your post and I see you do have a social life. Which is good.