Depressed and hating France

[mamalula]

Sorry to be so negative but I am at the end of my tether! I have tried so hard to make a life for myself here, for my French husband and 2 ds. I have been here for nearly 6 years and have been at home with the kids. But now they are both at school I really really want to work and there is nothing for me to do here! We live in a pretty remote part of Le Gard. My husband has an ok job which he likes but does not earn enough to support us so we are also living off inherited money from my family. The problem is my dh just doesn't want to move back to the uk. He speaks fluent English without an accent and my French is pretty appalling, I can get by but it certainly isn't good enough to work. And the only option for a job seems to be teaching English which is not for me. I am a chef by profession but the French attitude towards an English cook and English food I'd so outdated and really insulting! I have tried so hard this last 2 years to really make a go of it, we have friends and there are lots of advantages like beautiful countryside and great food but it's not enough. I obviously adore my kids but I am not a natural SAHM, I struggled with it and missed working. Anyway I feel like there are so many opportunities in the uk I could set up my own catering business. I am also very disillusioned with the schooling here which is so strict and academic with very little creativity which worries me. And the economy is in such a mess. Anyway I could go on and on France-bashing, I try not to. Well would love any advice or bright ideas, thanks.

I sympathise with you. It is bloody hard living in rural France. Stunning countryside and wonderful food and wine isn't enough to keep me sane all year round.

If your DH doesn't want to live in UK, would he move to a city in France? I am sure there would be more opportunities for you there. I can't work where we are either. I have no friends and no social life. It is utterly miserable. I hate it so much that I am either taking the DCs back to UK next year (totally agree about schools here) or moving to Paris and DH will commute at weekends. I've done my time here and deserve to be happy as do you. Have you really talked to your DH about it?

Oh Mamalula, it really does sound tough. I think you really need to chat this through with your husband. You are entitled to feel happiness too and assuming that he is dead-set on staying in France, there need to be some compromises. You say he speaks good English so assuming city life is not for him, how about moving to an area in France with a strong British community? Somewhere where perhaps a new catering company with an English-speaking chef/owner might be sought after? Or at least somewhere where you don't feel quite so foreign (I don't know the area that you are currently living in). Surely he will have to understand that there needs to be a Plan B once the inherited money has been spent, as well as the fact that you need to be stimulated and that you need to feel that you are contributing to the family's finances.

I agree with Castles that living surrounded by beautiful countryside isn't necessarily something that keeps us all afloat. I know I'd need more than that (I'm a Londoner).

My kids have only just started at French school so I am by no means able to comment comprehensively, but I do understand your sentiments about the rigidity of the education system. I was telling my Mum about it and she said it sounded like her schooling and that would have been in the 50s. I do like the fact that they do things properly (grammar, handwriting etc.) but it is a shame that there is so little room for creativity, and dare I say it, fun. If they had the mix, it would be great (but I guess that thinking could apply to the UK too).

I have never been a full-time SAHM other than when I was on maternity leave and I do remember that for those relatively short periods I did find staying at home sapped my confidence. Also, assuming that your second/last child has just started school, you may be feeling these emotions more acutely. The two combined are no doubt going to contribute to you feeling low.

Good luck! I hope you find a solution.

Thank you both so much! I can't tell you how much it means to have such understanding! I had a good chat with dh last night, even if it started off as an argument! And I think we are going to look at moving to Montpellier and we have set a deadline so I am feeling a bit better about it now! Thanks again!

Poor you! It sounds more than stressful. I have some experience of what you are feeling although not to the same degree. (I have a love/hate relationship with where we live!) But can totally sympathise aobut giving up your career. You have given it a good go, but it is not working for you, emotionally or financially, so something needs to be done.

Your dh doesn't want to live in the UK. And you don't want to live in France. It's a very tough situation but bluntly, one of you must compromise. It sounds horrible to say it, but I would have thought that your current financial situation situation gives you the upper hand here.

Tbh, if he doesn't earn enough to support you all, then you have to work, and so you have to move where that can be achieved.

And he must realise that it is not a sustainable or desirable option to live on money you have inherited from your family? Quite apart from the fact that you are spending your savings, what does he intend to do when the finances run out?

(I don't mean to make him sound like some sort of ogre, but if you don't work, and then you have no savings left, you are being put in a very vulnerable situation.)

What are the reasons your dh has for not wanting to live in the UK?

It's very positive that he speaks fluent English. Does he have other transferable skills? Do you have a specific area of the UK in mind that you would like to return to? Could you start putting out job feelers for him there and then see if he is interested? Perhaps once the situation is more concrete and he could visualise a job in the UK, where he would be working and living and where the dc would be going to school, then it would become a more viable option for him (instead of just a blanket "going to live in UK" idea without any specifics).

Good luck !

Just x posts with you!

So glad that you were able to have a productive conversation about this and start taking action that you are both happy with. (Don't leave yourself in a vulnerable position though!) x

mamalula, that is great news. Montpellier is lovely. I hope it works out for you.

Thanks Stewed, it feels like we are getting somewhere. Which is really what I needed rather the endless monotony! But now we need to keep the momentum going! Thanks everyone for your kind words

After reading your OP last night I started thinking, why doesn't she move to Montpellier? I lived there for several years and really liked it, and I'm sure you'd find a city much more manageable. You might even find people who appreciate your cooking :)

I just left France a few months ago, and although I was in Paris and Montpellier felt the same emotions about being a SAHM.

Anyway, my Dad is based in Montpellier and I still have a lot of friends there so feel free to PM if you need anything.