Wanting to return to UK from Netherlands

[chimichanga1976]

My husband got a job offer that was too good an opportunity to pass up 18mnth ago, and so here we are. We have a little girl who is nearly 3yrs old. This was only meant to be a short - term ( a "few" years ) stay, but it turns out my husband is loving his work and the life out here and never wants to return!

I had a great career in the NHS back home, which was challenging, fulfilling and varied. I was actually wanting to start my Health Visitor training and branch out into the community.

Language is not an issue where my husband works but I cannot work without speaking Dutch. Not even voluntary work. The novelty of living here wore off ages ago and now I just feel miserable and trapped, with nothing on the horizon to look forward to.

I don't want this post to be a total Moan-Fest and to be full of self-pitying B.S but I just wanted to put this post out there, in this category, with the hope that others could maybe understand and relate without being judgemental.

BTW I tried to learn Dutch but I just couldn't summon the amount of self-discipline and motivation to do all that home study necessary to make a real difference and felt I was just doin it to keep my O.H happy. I have no real interest in learning it as it'll take yrs to learn and I don't wanna be here years! I'm not homesick, I just want to return home to pursue my career and ambitions, which have been totally shelved.

I miss having meaning in my life and feel I've sacrificed everything inc my happiness and wellbeing. I was willing to hack a "few" years, as previously planned but this has now turned into being here indefinately!

My O.H suggested I rtn to the UK with our daughter once she is able to go to school ( you may have read my other thread on this ) so I can sort myself out. He's wanting to stay and save more money as we don't own our own property, so the plan is to buy eventually. But God knows what'll happen to us TBH!

Does anyone know of partners living apart due to one not settling in the new country? Or worse, splitting up, as a result? I would've been back ages ago if it'd just been me and him, and done the whole " long distance relationship" thing, but with a little one to consider, it's much more complex unfortunately....: (

Thanks for reading, people : )

P.S I'm friends with 2 girls that are goin back to their respective countries as they were unable to settle here also. So I guess I'm not as poor at adapting as I previously thought. But at least their families will be staying together though! : (

My only experience is my parents who lived in separate countries. They did split up. Too many different experiences and lifestyles.
I don't think it doesn't work often.
Maybe a different group of friends who like holland?
Maybe a change in goals. Family orientated not carer?

I really sympathise - tricky situation. For what it's worth, we moved as a family to Belgium when I was a child for my mum's work 'for a year', which ended up (for my parents) being 30! My dad commuted from the UK on a weekly basis for 25 of those years (he retired earlier than my mum), as his career wasn't transferrable to Brussels. It worked well for them and we saw loads of my dad as he had a long weekend with us every week plus all the holidays (the perks of being an academic - I realise that we were very lucky in that respect). They are still together ... it is worth looking at that option, perhaps?

I think your DH needs to take your feelings, hopes and ambitions into consideration. It sounds like, and I could be wrong, you agreed to a couple of years for his career and now he has moved the goalposts without giving you much thought.

Have you talked about the fact he has gone back on your agreement?

Has he always disregarded your feelings in this way? Really feel for you, I have a friend in a similar position in china but her and her DH have a 3 years and we are out agreement and she has actually said if he goes back on it, her and the kids are out anyway as it's not all about him and his career.

This is so weird! I just typed my reply to you guys, pressed Post Msg and the whole thing's just bloody disappeared!! WTF???

I'll try again.....I was just saying thankyou to all who've responded. It's not like I expect a magic answer to put everything right but it's good to get others' input nevertheless.

Twofalls, I agree, he has changed the goalposts but he's got me here for another 2yrs tops and if he doesn't wanna return with me in 2016 Ii don't hold out much hope for our relationship TBH. My career will be a distant memory then!

I checked here and kids can start school a few months into the term, in my case my daughter turns 4yrs nxt Nov but can start then, even if term starts Sept. This is what's keeping me here another year. In UK you have to wait until the following year after your child turns 4yrs.
Huge pain in the arse, what exactly they're gonna miss starting a few mnth late at the age of 4yrs is beyond me! Frustrating.

She would start school at 4 in Holland but she would have to stay in group 1 for the following academic year (i.e. November 2015 until July 2017) and she wouldn't do much literacy or numeracy until she starts group 3 (in the Autumn when she is almost 7). Group 1 and 2 are not academic in Holland unless the child goes to an international school.

If she returned to the UK after group 1 and 2 in Holland, having missed Reception and Year 1, she would be quite a long way behind academically. Kids in such circumstances usually catch up quite quickly but it is tough for them at the beginning.

Does she already attend preschool: as the child of foreign born parents she actually has priority for preschool, to help her Dutch language skills develop.

Where abouts in the Netherlands are you? There may be more opportunities for working in English if you're near Amsterdam. Is your daughter in PSZ?

Uilen - Thanks for the info. So I don't think it'll be too detrimental to her then, by the sound of things, if I take her back in the summer hols of 2016 when she's 4yrs old. Yes she goes to Preschool here, combined with Daycare. A total of 16hrs/wk in nursery.

You could look for a Peuterspeelzaal nearby where your daughter could go to, it's only half days and you would meet other mums in the area. Organise play dates eventually maybe.

I can't link but google Amsterdam Mamas and Expatica for the NL section. Loads of info there and a forum too. I think they're having an expat fair in October that have job agencies there too. Might be well worth your time to go (it's usually at the weekend, in the Beurs van Berlage, short walk from Centraal Station).

Iflyaway, thanks but she's already at Peuterspeelzaal, as previously stated. I live nowhere near Amsterdam either. Also you don't meet anyone just cos your daughter goes to preschool. It's not like the parents all collect their kids at the same time so I never see anyone when I go to fetch my little girl. Nevermind, thanks anyway.

If you don't learn to speak Dutch, you are very unlikely to settle. Either you bite the bullet and invest a year in learning Dutch by doing a full time university course for foreigners, or you return to the UK.

Bonsoir, well no chance of the former I'm afraid! In order to learn a 2nd language a person needs to be very motivated and self - disciplined, especially as a lot of emphasis is on home study. As I don't want to be here long - term, this doesn't apply to me.

I totally agree that if the plan is to stay here long - term/permanently, you should learn Dutch. However, it amazes me the amount of expat spouses I've spoken to, who've been here years, and don't! Doesn't make sense to me, plus how on earth do these women have any sort of purposeful life? That's unless they enjoy being a " kept woman " or they happen to work for an International company, whereby Dutch is not necessary.
It doesn't exactly help with integrating into the local community either. Nope, I'm goin home to the UK, that's for sure.

Hi There,
You sound very determined since the first post and I think you should do a new post about wanting to return to the UK/splitting. The Netherlands is a red herring and you would get more specific answers without.

I can clearly remember posters living appart happily (posters from Europe, middle east, australia, Asia...). Then those in the "temporary arangement" category and those who have eventually split as a result.

If you do a search on living overseas, you should be able to find them. A lot of ground covered and maybe a few posters you could PM.

We lived appart for one year as I was just refusing to pack up and go yet again leaving a life & job I loved for the next posting. I eventually followed and it took the most part of 3 years for me to get over the resentment. The bit when we were appart was actually OK and the children were very happy to move back with daddy. It was really trying times rebuilding our relationship though. we have com through but its a big gamble. You have to be prepared for every possible outcome and so does your husband.

I guess you now have to start thinking about the logistics of going home and start talking very openly about it in front of your little girl so she understands and embraces the new situation. It can be very scary for kids not to understand adult motives.
I'd say stick to mommy found a job back home so we have to go and daddy/we will visit often. And do set a strict schedule about regular weekends together, school holidays etc....
That is with the caveat that you still want to give the relationship a chance while he gets round to understanding your position.

good luck

A friend of mine commutes weekly from the uk where his wife and kids live to holland for work. Would your DH be prepared to try this? If his employer agrees to a compressed week or to your DH working from home for one day a week it might be a good compromise?

Laptop, thanks for all your advice. Maybe I could just edit the title of the thread? Hmm. But I shall def do a search in this catagory if you think it'll be helpful. I can't imagine I'm an isolated case and there's surely others out there in a pickle just like me!

Abrico, that's some pretty hardcore commuting for sure!! I guess the ball's in his court re how often he could visit us. I realise it's only an hour's flight tho, but still....Out of interest, how come your friend's family don't join him in Holland and save all that hassle?

They did originally, but like you she was not happy there. This seems to work a lot better for them.

Gosh, chimi, don't know where you live but it sounds awful.

DS peuterspeelzaal started and ended with a half-hour window each day and he was only there 3 days a week. We are still friends with kids and parents from then going on 21 years now. In fact they are almost like family.

Did you check out expatica.com even if just for the forum. There's loads of other info on there.

You have to make your own life wherever you are in the world.

I have a friend who has been here almost 30 years, divorced now from his Dutch wife and two grown-up kids. He barely speaks a word of clog, he gets by fine.

But you have decided in your mind you don't want to stay. Nothing wrong with that. Now you have to decide what to do about it.

I do find your comment about the "kept woman" rather offensive. Loads of expat women here work in companies that have English as their working language. We are a international-oriented and multicultural society.

And they all know how to speak Dutch to the kassa girl in the Albert Heijn!

The Dutch may be hard on the outside to get to know but once you approach them they are very warm!
And they all fucking speak English!

I think the problem may lie with you.

DH flew home pretty much every weekend for 8 months.
The "commute" was 3h30mn each flight. so home friday night 11pm and back sunday right after lunch.
We flew to him during holidays.
It's not easy, it takes a lot of effort to want to stay together.

Iflyaway, wow do you suffer from a split personality or something? What a difference 10mins makes eh??

BTW I find your swearing offensive, so " nah nah - nah nah nah...!!! "

I wondered if there was a failed name change between those two posts!

Is your DD in a peuterspeelzaal or a kinderopvang? I think PSZ is a better way to meet people because people all drop off and pick up at the same time and you have a few minutes chat either side. And the VVE classes have lots of non Dutch in them.

One thing you probably need to be aware of is if you want a decent school in the UK you will actually need to be back for the primary application deadline, so the January before she starts school. So she'd have a few months of school in the Netherlands, then a big gap before the September start.

Hey SolomanDaisy, she attends PSZ 5.5hrs on Fris, I got it condensed as I thought a 2.5hr slot was a bit piddly and not v practical for her or me! Ii would drop her off and by the time I turn around it'd be time to go collect her. Seemed daft so I'm glad they agreed. She has a full day of nursery 1 day/wk too so that totals 16hrs/wk at nursery.

I never see anyone else pick up their kids at this time and all her classmates are Dutch. What's VVE?

I wasn't aware of that with the UK schools but it's something I'd have to plan way in advance anyway but thanks for the heads up. My initial plan was to go back with her in the summer break of 2016, once the Dutch school breaks up. It wouldn't make much sense to me goin back sooner and just twiddling my thumbs, waiting for term to start, unable to start work myself and, of course, my husband forking out for 2 lots of rent/bills in all that time.
Surely I could go over on a visit and secure a place ahead of time? Certainly if she was older and well into her education, it wouldn't be realistic to take her out of Dutch school and do nothing for 9 months? I will do some research in my chosen area.

Laptop/Abrico, well you guys give me hope that it is possible, which makes me feel more optomistic. I think it'd cost a fortune commuting weekly tho so he may end up visiting a bit less frequently. We'll see.......: )

VVE is an extra five free hours at PSZ which you should get as you're not Dutch. You need to ask at the consultatiebureau for an indicatie. It's a shame the PSZ you're at doesn't have the same pick up and drop off system as ours, because it feels a bit more like being part of the community.

For the UK schools,you have to have a UK permanent address to apply in the January. If you wait until July to go back the local authority will give you a school place, but it might not be at the school you want.

Hi, so the 6hrs ( that's inc a half hr for lunch which we pay for) I put her in PSZ on Fri is free. We pay for her to attend a full day on Tues at nursery. So that encompases PSZ on a Tues too.

That's fair enough about bein given a school rather than me picking one as it's totally unrealistic for me to go back in Jan and just sit about waiting, the extra expense etc, as I've said. Can't be helped and, anyway, do we really need to be so picky about choosing a little school? She'll only be 4yrs old so I'm not worried about exam results etc like if I had an older child and all the other concerns parents have. As long as they don't give me a school miles away Ii can't see that they'd differ that much. Afterall, they're just learning thru play at that age so I'm not worried.

I will visit some schools in my future visits to the UK and do my research well in advance.